Amazing Smelling Shampoo + Lawsuit = Profit

So I was taking a shower tonight, and I had what you would call a “frightening brush with death”.  Nothing bad actually happened to me, but it could have.  

Here’s what went down: I was in the shower, and before I knew it, the “shampoo phase” was upon me. 

This was one of those days where I’d get to open a new bottle—same brand, but fresh bottle.  Needless to say, an exciting time. 

So I put a big blob of it in my hand, and the lathering began. Pretty standard, right? You’d think so, but 3 seconds later, something happened: 

-I was overcome, by the “god-damn-holy-crap-awesome” smell of the shampoo. 

At first I was confused, but then I saw the print on the bottle: new fragrance! 

As a few more seconds passed, the aroma raced up my nostrils, and began to creep into my brain.  

Things became a little warped… 

…I closed my eyes, and I was suddenly somewhere else: white sand, clear waters, and scantily clad beach-goers, as far as the eye could see (they weren’t hot though…dammit).  I blocked out the ugly beach people, and replaced them with an island native (yay, island natives!). The native smiled at me warmly, whilst handing me a fruity cocktail (he was employed by the hotel for 25 cents/hour; not much by our standards, but enough to furnish his mud-hut).  I then saw myself stepping out of the ocean, propelled by my SUPER-curvy strides (like Halle Barry in Die Another Day).   

I don’t know how much time I spent in fantasy-land, but when I finally remembered I was showering, I had worked up a massive lather.  I still couldn’t get over the smell though; it was SO freaking yummy.  It smelled just like a beverage, and I wanted to drink the whole bottle. Like I really, REALLY wanted to drink it. 

And that’s when it hit me: what if I had drank that bottle of shampoo?  I wouldn’t be here right now; I’d be dead!  I know, DEAD!

And who’s fault would that have been? MY fault? for being overcome by a toxically-good aroma? Or the fault of a manufacturer, who put a bunch of addictive drugs in a bottle, without any concern for human life?  I mean what if a school started serving 6-year olds crack for breakfast, heroin for lunch, and “E” for recess?  This is EXACTLY the same situation; isn’t it frightening?  

In my case, I know I survived, but I’m thinking I smell a lawsuit.  And why? Because “new fragrance” is an irresponsible message.  The bottle SHOULD say:  

“This smells so god-damn good, you’ll want to drink it, but don’t do that dummy, ‘cause it’s toxic and it’ll kill you”.    

But was there any such warning?  

NO, and that’s why I’m sitting on a gold mine.  All I have to do is drink the bottle, and I’ll make millions!  The only problem is, if I drink the bottle, I won’t be able to file a lawsuit, ‘cause I’ll pretty much be dead… 

Hmm… 

Well…what about…an almost dead scenario? What about “controlled shampoo” intake?  I don’t know how much shampoo will kill a man, but if I drink let’s say…1/3 of the bottle, and immediately call 911, I’ll probably survive right?  I’m sure they’ll have to pump my stomach and keep me overnight, but other than that I should be good. 

Once I recover, I’ll start the legal proceedings, and then it’s just a matter of time… 

Alright then, I’ve got the “get-rich” scheme figured out, but what about the “here and now”?  It’s just that my hair smells really awesome, and I’m not sure what to do about it.   

I can only describe my scent as the female-version of the “Axe Effect”.  It may sound great on the surface, but I’m just not ready to get mauled by horny men.  Now before you roll your eyes at the whole “Axe Effect” concept, let it be known that I have SEEN the impact of the “Axe Effect”. I’m talking about guys literally getting dry-humped by packs of girls in broad daylight.  The guys in these scenarios were definitely wearing Axe (I know this, because I was the main one “dry humpin’ it up”). Oh, and they weren’t just any guys: these were the ugliest, lumpiest, most DEFORMED guys you could think of (one of them had a 3^rd eye, lobster-claws for hands, and an actual ASS for a face (I’m thinking he grew up near a nuclear power plant; either that, or he has some fucked-up looking parents)).   

And this is the power of the “Axe-Effect”. 

I’m definitely worried about tomorrow; I don’t look forward to the humping-attack (you might think the aroma will fade, but trust me, this smell is built to last).   

I could always rub some dirt in my hair and hope for the best…who am I kidding though? This is some powerful shit. 

Instead of dirt though, I suppose I could drink myself senseless, and then NOT hold my hair back when I spew.   

Yeah, that would do it.   

Alright then, I better get started on the drunkery…  

Before I end, you might be wondering about the name of this AMAZING shampoo.  I guess I could tell you, but then you might beat me to the punch, in terms of the “drink shampoo, get rich” master plan.  That would really piss me off; get your own damn lawsuit ideas!  Frickin’ hacks…