Thoughts On: Leathery Sun-Baked Broads, and Ugly Effin’ Crocs

A lazy long-weekend draws to a close, so you can damn well bet I’m gonna write a lazy blog-post. My thoughts this weekend were plagued by the end of summer; more specifically, a couple of things I hate.

So without further delay…

 1st Thought:

3 days ago, I was strolling the streets of Toronto…not in a hooker-way, but in a beautiful day-way .  It was nice.  Whilst strolling, I came across a digusting excuse for a human:

-a sun-baked broad. 

I took her picture.

And here she is.

Okay, that’s not really her (because I didn’t want to exploit her), but it’s an accurate Google re-make (the actual picture will be saved as my brand new desktop, ’cause I’m sick like that).

So anyway, I acknowledge that people are free to look however they like.  People are also free to tan as much as they like.  Now we all know that tanning’s a health-risk, just like it’s super-dangerous to get all fat, but what can I do about it? I mean it’s not like I go around shaking fat people by their meaty shoulders, screaming “stop the insanity!” right into their fat-ass faces…

So people can eat a lot, and they can tan a lot.  You won’t see me trying to stop them.

The problem I do have, is that actual tanning (i.e. under the sun) damages the flesh, to the extent that it becomes a leathery-covering, much like a Rawling’s baseball mitt.

To be fair, the leatherized texture won’t appear right away.  If you’re in your early 20’s for example, you’re generally allotted a good ten years of tanning, a time when you’ll be brown and smooth and loved by all .

Once you reach your peak though, the “cow-hide look” begins to take hold.  There’s nothing you can do to reverse this process, so you just start tanning more, hoping that the darker you get, the less you’ll be mistaken for a bomber-jacket.

If only that were so.

The worst part is, these leathered old broads don’t even try to be modest (i.e. by covering up with a light-shawl, or an airy linen shirt, or a garbage bag).  Instead, they just go right ahead and jack up the “slut-factor”, to painfully nasty levels.  And don’t get me wrong, boobs and thighs are GOOD, but wrinkly old boobs? and layered leather-thighs?…THAT, equals LESS GOOD (please ladies, remember this!).

There isn’t any hope for the lady I saw last week, nor for anyone else in a similar “leather-bracket”. 

But for all you developing kittens out there, read the scenario below, and take the advice to heart:

-In basic racial terms, I’m a brown girl.  As such, I’m pretty damn awesome, when it comes to being envied for my toasty complexion .  That said, after a harsh Canadian winter, even my delectable skin can start to get greyish and dull. 

-So what do I do about it?

-Do I run outdoors at high-noon, half-naked and lathered in baby-oil?

-Hell no!  

-To be honest, I avoid the nasty sun as fiercely as Michael Jackson would, when he’s wearing that surgical mask and his shiny studded gloves (actually, I do a lot of things like Michael Jackson would: I play with chimps, I escape to “Never-Never Land” when there’s pressure to act “grown up”, and I feed Diet Coke cans filled with wine to adolescents, ’cause then they’ll hang out with me, and help me stay young at heart .  I don’t dangle my babies over balconies though, ’cause that ain’t nice ).

As you can see from my precautionary lifestyle, I’m not very keen on having skin that resembles leather.

Since I’m sooo very mindful of the sun’s harmful rays, I just slap on some sunless-tanner when it’s time to brighten up! 

Are there streaks?

YES.

Is there a tendency to go over-board, and look like a carotene-addict?

OF COURSE.

As funny as I may look, 20 years from now, I’ll be strolling the beaches of St-Tropez (under an umbrella), looking as smooth and silky as ever.  I mean of course I’ll be saggy and fat (I mean hello, it’ll be 20 years from now), but at least I won’t be leathery.

And then you bastards will thank me.

You’re welcome.

Conclusion: don’t turn into a “leathered old broad”, and if you do, please don’t wear tank-tops and hot-pants, ’cause that makes me wanna throw up.

Okay?

OKAY

2nd Thought:

Alright, so I know Summer’s almost over, and I know I could’ve held my tongue, and I know I am NOT the first person to say this, but if I don’t speak now, I WILL FRICKIN’ EXPLODE.

So…..

 I,

fucking,

hate,

Crocs.

For those last 3 people on earth who’ve never heard of Crocs, here they are:

And for those of you who question how popular these shoes have become, despite their agreed-upon ugliness, please refer to the size and scope of their distribution, seen here in Exhibit A:

And Exhibit B:

 

The ugliness of the Crocs is a given, but the worst part of all is their use by inappropriate age-groups, more specifically: grown-up men.

Now tell me you’ve gone through your Summer WITHOUT seeing a grown-up man in Crocs, and I will call you a lucky bastard.

I mean seriously, men wearing ugly-ass kiddie-shoes? Who decided that this was okay?

Well I guess “Crocs Incorporated” decided it was okay, when they started making these novelty shoes in GIANT man-sizes.  Then all the knock-off brands followed suit, carrying “big-ass-hairy-feet” sizes too, and that brings us to the current epidemic. 

Of course, let’s not forget that there’s a women’s line of Crocs as well.  While that is also a disgusting trend, woman have a much better chance of getting away with Crocs, due to the “women/wacky fashion” connection that we all understand.

But back to the men…WHY?

If you think that I’m overreacting, consider these examples:

A pair of Crocs on a little runt:

 

Are those ugly-ass shoes? YES.  But kids aren’t in it for fashion, they’re in it for fun-looking shoes in bright colors that are comfy. I mean kids are the very same species that like to wear helmets and capes and carry swords, but that’s ’cause they’re KIDS! 

Conclusion: stupid Crocs are okay for kids.

Now that we’ve seen how Crocs look right, let’s consider the “whole lotta wrong” scenario, as seen here:

 

I KNOW, the first thing you’re gonna say is: “Romi, what the eff happened to that dude’s underwear and shorts?”  That’s a very good question, and let me please clarify: I was NOT on the hunt for a “pantless-man” jpeg when I found this.  I just googled “Crocs”, and this is what came up. 

Now I don’t wanna distract you from my main point about the shoes, but come on, I’m pretty sure he’s in a restaurant and HIS BUM IS SHOWING!

What the hell???

There are so many thoughts about this pant-less man that are rushing through my head:

-Was he on a beach and thought: I wanna go to a restaurant, so I better put on a shirt to cover my man-nipples, ’cause I’m shy like that (hee-hee), and I better put on some shoes, ’cause I don’t wanna gross people out with my nasty feet?

-And if those were indeed his thoughts, what happened to part three of his dressing-process: i.e. WHERE IS HIS EFFIN’ UNDERWEAR???

-And then I think to myself, what kind of beach did he come from, where he wasn’t even wearing any trunks? Was it a nude beach? Is he an exhibitionist?

-And then I think to myself, where did he get those well-defined muscular legs? Is he an athlete? A cyclist perhaps? 

-And THEN I think to myself, is he quite simply a super-clever man, who found a pant-less loophole in the “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service” policy?

-AND THEN I THINK TO MYSELF, why is everyone in the restaurant “cool with this?”  What kind of sick and twisted community would be okay with this? Does anyone not care that his “bum-germs” will get all over the food? Goodness!

Obviously I’m obsessed with this pant-less man, but I need to get back to my original point: the Crocs.  Tearing your eyes away from his ass for a moment (if you can), don’t those shoes look friggin’ ridiculous? His otherwise burly physique is completely over-shadowed by his bright red “kiddie-shoes”.  And if it’s okay for men to wear adult versions of kids’ clothing/shoes, where does it end? What can I look forward to in Spring ‘08?  Man-sized jelly-sandals? (click here for example)  Or perhaps we’ll see giant man-sized bonnets, to replace those uncomfortable baseball caps…

Before I put too much blame on the “Crocs people”, I should let you know that they’ve acknowledged the “manly” challenges of Man-Crocs, and have tried to address it as follows:

MLB Licensed Crocs

So for those last few guys who thought Crocs weren’t suitable for men, they can now buy Crocs to support their favorite team (hey A-Hole, you’re from Boston, do you have a pair of Red-Sox Crocs? ).

Oh, and they also make NHL Crocs…and NFL ones…and PGA ones.  So now every man on earth can wear Crocs.

Wicked.

There isn’t much left for me to say, except this: I look foward to the chill of winter, when the sun-baked broads will have to hide their leather-backs/boobs/thighs, and when the so-called “men” will have to put all their Crocs into storage.

Frickin’ leather-bitches and child-men…