Sunday Musings: My Future Billionaire “90-Something” Hubby…
October 14, 2007“Hmmm…” of the day
It’s been a cold and overcast Canadian kinda weekend; in times like these, I’m extremely likely to huddle up in bed with my laptop, hooded sweatshirt, and a steaming cup of tea.
My favorite thing to do is “catch up on the world”, and if you know me at all, you know that I visit ONE central hub—the place with all my news, life advice, and startling consumer reports…
This time around, I wasn’t in search of advice…nope, just a casual afternoon of Internet browsing (first stop: MSN, next stop: nakedmen.com; just a regular day with Romi…)
As I was browsing MSN, I found something very unexpected: an online sea of super-old men, sporting some giant and over-stuffed wallets.
More specifically, MSN had put together a showcase: OLD-ASS BILLIONAIRE MEN
I was immediately intrigued, so I continued on for more. In doing so, I came across the profile/pics of the OLDEST Billionaire dudes in the universe.
And of course, this led me to the question: “Does single (increasingly hopeless) Romi give a damn about age? And, is there even enough money in the world, to convince our pal Romi to hump an “almost-corpse”?”
Hmmm…
If I had a straight answer for that, this post would have never been written.
To be honest, the whole “money/age” issue continues to be a hot topic, not only in my mind, but also in society. A few weeks ago for example, my friend A-Hole laid out all the facts, and tossed the old dude/young chick “age apprehension” right out the window. And then there was my other friend Paul, who recently uncovered an opposite trend: old-ass Billionaire WOMEN hunting down sweet-ass boy-toys.
So where does that leave ME?
I think it’s awesome that old-ass women can buy themselves fresh-faced “man-boys”. It’s a revolution! On the other hand, I’m not very likely to be “career-focused” for the next 60 years, and/or acquire a massive fortune, soooo….it’d be nice to meet a dude who already had it 
. And while I LOVE the idea of jewels and cash, even I have my limits, when it comes to cozying up with old dudes and their OLD balls.
So with a cluttered mind and material disposition, I sat and stared at this list: Romi’s Potential Future Husbands (sidenote: any/all of these men might already be married, but I am extremely confident in my seductive/home-wrecking abilities)
| Age | Net worth | Country | |
|---|---|---|---|
| John Simplot | 98 | $3.6 billion | United States |
| Walter Haefner | 97 | $4.3 billion | Switzerland |
| Saleh Al Rajhi | 95 | $4.4 billion | Saudi Arabia |
| Maersk Mc-Kinney Møller | 94 | $1.8 billion | Denmark |
| Hugo Mann | 94 | $2.7 billion | Germany |
This list is ordered BY OLDEST to youngest (”youngest” being the most convenient term available, though completely inappropriate). And the question is: “which one of these dudes can I marry/bed without feeling the urge to throw up?”
Well let me break it down for you, one “old rich dude” at a time…
—————————————————————————————————————————
#1: John Simplot: Age=98; Net Worth=$3.6 BILLION…
Though the oldest of the bunch, John Simplot has a winning smile and a zest for life (see cowboy hat). They call him “potato man” for being the supplier of French fries for McDonald’s restaurants. I think it’s really sexy that he helps America’s fast-food dreams come alive. The greyness of his teeth suggest that he may still possess some original “pearlies”. According to my scientific analysis, old men who still have teeth from when they were “young men” will likely possess some other “skills”/traits from when they were “young men”. This bodes very well for a potential “passionate” courtship…
#2: Walter Haefner: Age=97; Net Worth=$4.3 BILLION…
Walter Haefner may be 97, but with those soft cherry lips and that smooth orange forehead, he doesn’t look a day over 89. A native Swissman with a bevy of earthly delights (see earlier comments on lips/forehead, as well as current comment on soft eyebrows), Walter made his fortune through computer systems and stuff (I don’t know what kind of computers they had in the 1800’s, but it’s not my place to ask questions). I don’t really care how he got the money, but I DO care that he likes to collect cars, and breed horses. I can already see us riding our horses off into the sunset, as a warm-up event to riding each other…
#3: Saleh Al Rajhi: Age=95; Net Worth=$ 4.4 BILLION…
Okay…WTF? What is up with Saleh Al Rajhi not even having a profile pic? And I love how the “substitute” pic is the shadow of some well-built man with his hands in his pockets all suave-like… Like seriously, THAT’S the best artistic rendering of a 95-year old man? All this means is that Saleh must be in a BAD kinda way; like is he…wheelchair-bound? Is he…hooked up to some tubes and lying in a hospital bed? Is he…in a constant drool-like state? (yuck). Though I’m initially very grossed out, Saleh has the advantage of having the MOST money out of all these dudes. For that and that alone, I will keep him in the running.
#4. Maersk Mc-Kinney Moller: Age=94; Net Worth=$1.8 BILLION…
Maersk has the least amount of money out of all the top 5 dudes. That said, my initial reaction is to be repulsed. Despite my material instincts, there’s something warm and sweet in those tired, foggy-ass eyes. He might’ve been a poet once, and I wouldn’t put it past him to read me some lovely sonnets, as I cradle him in bed. What can I say, I’m a hopeless romantic, so Maersk stays on the list…
#5: Hugo Mann: Age=95; Net Worth=$2.7 BILLION…
Yet again, I’m disappointed by the default profile pic. Without that picture, his appearance could be ALL kinds of wrong. And he doesn’t even have the most money! That’s right, this German mogul is chugging along with a mere $2.7 billion. That’s almost TWO billion less than bachelor #3! Sorry Hugo, you’re out…
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So there you have it, my 5 (or 4) possible husbands. Now obviously this isn’t a snap-decision, because we’re talking about offering my hand in marriage, and that’s, you know…KIND OF a big deal! It’s the rest of my life we’re talking about…orrr…it’s the next 4-5 years we’re talking about, depending on when these bastards kick the bucket…But still, 4-5 years is a LONG time, and I don’t wanna ever look back and think “what might’ve been with Salek”, if I ultimately go with Maersk…hmmm…
So before I offer up my mind, body and soul, I’m gonna take some time, and weigh the pros and cons.
In the meantime, I welcome your thoughts and suggestions; seriously, who should Romi invite into the marital bed???
Get rid of the others and keep John Simplot and Walter Haefner on your list. They’re both physically attractive and who knows, with your inspiration they could double their worth in a year. Besides, if one dies, you can always go for the other one.
This has to be the first time in my life I’m grateful NOT to be a billionaire.
Forget those old codgers; money can’t buy happiness!
Marry me and be poor but happy! ;D
Hahahaha, this reminds me of Seinfeld so much. Do you remember when Elaine was dating that old guy (who was also rich), and then something happened to him, so he was stuck to a wheelchair for a while? I can just imagine you singing, “Yankee beans, Yankee beans, I like my Yankee beeeaaaans,” to him while feeding him beans!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
But seriously Romi, I can’t believe you would go for those guys when I’m going to a billionaire in under five years because of my lustrous career as a famous musician. You could use my money, though you wouldn’t have to do all the cozying (is that a real word?) up etc. (but hey, it’s up to you
). But then that would make you the old ladies that look for younger guys.
Such a dilemma you have.
PS. I think your avatar is screwed. Is it meant to be like that? Because if it isn’t, please fix it; my left eye once twitched as a result of that.
You better brush up on your ironing skills so you can flatten out all those loose flaps of skin..
Now, I know your first reaction was to be repulsed by the nearly impoverished #4 guy, BUT, consider that you’ll have fewer gold digging whores competing with you. (Please note I did not just call you a gold digging whore, you are simply a woman looking out for her future offspring’s economic happiness).
I was instantly repulsed by #2. Nobody should be that colour of orange. Nobody.
Jayne: that is some excellent advice. Not only are those two physically attractive, but I never even considered how my inspirational ways could double their worth
. And yeah, it is CRUCIAL to always have a back-up mate, thanks for the reminder. 
Mr. President: I first read your comment and thought: “why the heck would anyone be grateful NOT to be a billionaire?” After a few seconds of slowly smartening up though, I realized that perhaps you were…possibly making fun of me, and highlighting your obvious repulsion towards me…possibly?
Eric: First of all, thanks for the proposal; my blog-face is blushing
…Secondly, I’m not familiar with this “poor/happiness” business…like do you mean: be happy, via…feelings, and not via…objects? Interesting…let’s say this: if things don’t work out with the old dudes (like if they all simultaneously croak), I’ll call you up for some of this “poor/happy” stuff 
Wendy: Haha, I SO remember that episode of Seinfeld; I love when she was trying to break-up with him, and she was all like: “you know, it’s a bitch to get here; I have to take two buses, and the subway..” LOL…
Yeah, my avatar is way messed up; it’s a WordPress bug or something, but I can’t call up those WordPress/support people till Monday, so until then, apologies for the twitching.
And by the way, I think you have a leg-up on those super-heroes you love, ’cause the last time I checked, even Superman couldn’t switch from a chick to a dude…you should let him in on your super-power…
Paul: You’ll be happy to know that I always keep my clothing iron close at hand; the thing is, I have a 24-hour-holster for my iron, since I randomly approach sexy men in the street, and offer to iron their shirts (’cause I’m a girl, and girls iron, in addition to cooking, cleaning, looking pretty and not swearing
) . If that’s not enough, I have a super-advanced iron, that’s already equipped with the skin-flap setting, so I’m pretty much good to go 
Talea: Haha, I love that you “didn’t” just call me a gold-digging whore
…I know exactly what you mean though, I am ALL about limiting the competition, ’cause I ain’t no Jessica Alba over here (LOL), gotta make the most of my chances…
Romi – you are hilarious. I think I would take dude # 2 – he’s sexy in a remington steele kinda way but instead of being hot Pierce Brosnan – he is old and wrinkly.
Don’t worry about sleeping with them – use their money and make some other girl do it. They are old – they either won’t care or won’t remember. Also, you are just there to be their trophy wife…come on Romi – it is you we are talking about!!!
Romi, John Simplot. How could you look past a man in a cowboy hat?! He looks like he’s got a bit of life in him yet too, so the sex might not be too bad. Plus there’s bound to be some sort of McD’s discount.
Yeeeeeeeeehawwww! The first one’s a cowboy. Gidddyupppp!
Haha….Those dudes are all in bad shape…
Why don’t you try to hook up with some super young rich dude?….His mind might be weak and you could convince him to give you all kinds of money!
Ummm, is it wrong that I’m attracted to Walter Haefner?? There’s something magnetic and sensual about him.
Ummm, I thought you were hooking up with the Match.com guy and were going to go out and adopt some kids.
as the saying goes, wealth is wasted on the old and youth is wasted on the young ..
@abarclay12, what you’re seeing in Walter Haefner is that smug look that guys have when they’re swinging some pretty serious pipe. I’ve been told I have such a look. Ok, Romi told me that.
(MSN? Really?)
Em: I love that Remington Steel comment, haha; I never would have considered the “Pierce Brosnan” reference, but now that you have, it’s as clear as day
Leafprobably: the cowboy hat was my first signal of “hotness” too..and holy crap, HOW DID I FORGET about the McD’s discount? Hell ya you can super-size those fries!!!
Red: I’m getting a lot of good feedback on John Simplot the cowboy, and your “yeeeehaaawwww” is only helping
King Steve: I just always felt that the super-young dudes would have more options, and would slowly realize that they can get someone younger and hotter than me..but if I found a super-young-DUMB one…hmm….
Daddy Dan: I know, didn’t she make some sort of pledge to try things out with Match.com 60-year old?
Andyfox: I do not like your quote and what it is trying to tell me…also, why are you telling everyone what I told you about your “pipe?” That was a private-cyber moment between two souls…
PS: Hell YES MSN, I’m a low-brow gal, with low-brow informational needs, so suck it!
Abarclay: Yo, you gots some explainin’ to do!!
Romi dearest, repulsion is far too strong a word. You scare me, there’s a big difference. It’s the voodoo dolls. Oh, and the fact you want(ed?) to marry me. That last part is why I said I’m grateful not to be a billionaire because I’m hopeful that’s the last I’ll hear about proposals from you
.
[...] romi41 wrote a fantastic post today on “Sunday Musings: My Future Billionaire â90-Somethingâ Hubby⦔Here’s ONLY a quick extractTo be honest, the whole “money/age” issue continues to be a hot topic, not only in my mind, but also in society. A few weeks ago for example, my friend A-Hole laid out all the facts, and tossed the old dude/young chick “age … [...]
My only comment is…
“Ahh…my eyes burn….make the pain stop!!”
Looking forward to your next post. Keep up the good work
.
A
I would go for #3 or #5.
Sure, you could have the Fancy Car behind door number 1, but wouldn’t you rather have what’s in the Mystery Bag?
The money sounds all good but could you really deal with those old balls?
Mr President: Haha, right…that little thing about me being “scary”…you’ll be happy to know that I’ve tossed my voodoo dolls away, and I’m moving forward with a crazy-free healthy existence (as evidenced by my search for a 90-yr old billionaire soul-mate
)
Andy D: You can close your eyes if they burn, but maybe you should open your mind, ’cause that’ll be YOU someday, haha…there is nothing wrong with super-old men, their wisdom and wrinkles carry a quiet dignity
And also, thanks 
; I will try to keep this good for as long as I can, before it inevitably crumbles 
hroman: I can’t imagine how spectacular the “mystery bags” of #3 or #5 could possibly be (does that sound weird? haha)…I mean there is the odd chance that #3 and #5 have been cryogenically frozen for the past 60 years, and thus still resemble their hot “30-something” selves, but is it a risk worth taking? Hmmm…thanks for making me think hroman, you always make me think…
bronsonfive: that’s a question I’ve been asking myself since the moment I wrote this post; at this point, my opinion continues to flip-flop (gross…haha)
To Everyone: has anyone else been noticing those generic comments that come to you from some “website”, and always begin with “so-and-so wrote a great post on “blah”!”…??? I’ve been deleting them all as spam, but I kept this one, because I loved the fact that it came from a “retirement investment website”; that’s some relevant shit right there, LOL…
I’ve been deleting them as spam too. Annoying as hell.
I’ve seen a few of those. I tried to follow it back but I couldn’t find where they were talking about the great post I had written.
Sweet and Sour Jesus BFF!!! and I thought I was fucking mental!
ok, let’s calm down here. first off, you have to stay away from #2. Did you check out his eyes?? Total alchie/stoner. you don’t need that shit. if he’s half in the bag for his profile pic, imagine what he’s like the rest of the time!
the fact that #4 isn’t showing his “pearlies” (ugh, gag) may mean he don’t have any. You would have to get to know him a little better.
#1, well, he is the fry guy and i’m all about fries. That may be your winner.
i don’t trust profiles with no pics so #3 and #5 are definitely out. sorry boys, i mean, sirs. or whatever.
Oh hunny, when you do bag that musty old geezer, i want a share in the profits. for real. that’s what BFFs do..i could even take one for the team and date one of his 200 year old friends if you want. whatever it takes to get the prize. no sacrifice is to great for you my darling BFF.
Mr. President: For me they are less annoying and more deflating, in such a way that I receive the comment and get all excited (’cause I’m an attention whore), only to later realize that the sentiment was generic and robotic
Daddy Dan: I am able to go back to a generic website full of ads, and that’s where robot-man tells the world how wonderful my post is; but I ask you: did robot-man even read the whole thing? I highly doubt it; what a robot asshole…
BFF: I’m enough mental for the both of us
I didn’t even realize that #2 is an alchie/junkie, I need to get better at noticing stuff like this! (no wonder I can’t shake all those homeless men!) And you’re right, I didn’t even consider #4’s pearlies, I got so caught up in his poetic stylings 
…wow, seems like almost everyone is on board with #1, I think I may have found the one 
And YES, I will definitely give you a cut; then we can go shopping for jewels! (PS: I’ll try my best to cope so you don’t have to bang his 200-yr old friend
, but thanks for the offer, you are a true and noble BFF!)
Dude, I’m all about the guy in the cowboy hat. I bet he’d ask you to dress like a southern belle. That’s kind of a fantasy of mine. And something tells me he’d be too busy with his potatoes to want anything more than corseted up companionship. I’m totally down with that.
MMMMM…..all the McDonalds fries we can eat. Fucking GIDDYUP!
I had a dream last night about Walter. I know I’m supposed to be falling for the match.com guy who wants to adopt children with me and then have wild period sex, but all I can really see in my head is Walter, Walter, Walter. Bronson5 makes a good point about whether or not we could handle those old balls, but Romi, I believe we can. Which one are you going to invite into your marital bed? That’s what I wanna know.
Ugh… I am getting the chills just thinking about old balls. Imagine them rubbing against your skin? I think I just threw up. I give Anna Nicole Smith mad props – that dude had the oldest balls on the planet and she took it like a champ. Can either of you really imagine fucking that dude? Say it isn’t so… *shudder*
Greenie: That’s like vote #7 for John Simplot; he is definitely ahead of the pack…”corseted-up-companionship” ; haha…you know, if things work out better with me and Maersk, maybe I can give you Simplot’s number; seems like you two might get along
BFF:I would LOVE to eat fries with you all day, whilst gossiping about Simplot’s latest episode of “impotence” LOL…
Abarclay: Wow, and here I was thinking you were all revved up about wild period sex and adoptions from Africa…hmm…and yes, I am a strong believer in embracing the person underneath the pair of wrinkly, unstable, low-hanging, hundred-year-old balls…btw, I am NOT going to stand in the way of you and Walter, chase your dreams woman! For me, the final 2 comes down to John Simplot and Maersk…
As for the winner of the “romi’s marital bed jackpot”, I’m not gonna lie, John Simplot is close to the finish line; maybe I’ll announce the winner in my comments over the weekend; then I’ll give you all the link to my bridal registry (sidenote: a girl can never have enough bath-towels, hint-hint
)
bronsonfive: There is nothing wrong with the idea of a couple of ripened prunes rubbing against my skin; it’ll be like an exfoliant, and lord knows we all need to exfoliate…and yes, Anna Nicole Smith was my hero…before she…died…now she’s an iconic figure in my home, and that’s okay too.
Ha! “There is nothing wrong with the idea of a couple of ripened prunes rubbing against my skin; it’ll be like an exfoliant.” That is genius because they don’t sell “genital exfoliant” in the stores in America, and I’m assuming they don’t sell them in Canada either. Girls need regular delicate doffing.
Man. That still doesn’t sound like a good time. At all.
Abarclay: I knew YOU would appreciate the beneficial properties of “alternative exfoliation”
bronsonfive: I don’t think there’s anything I can say to help you understand the goodness of an old pair of balls; I guess it’s just a girl thing
I guess I am going to have to wait until my balls are old. Give me about 60 years and I’ll get back to you.
I can’t wait till your 60-year ball-progress follow-up, I’ve already marked it in my calendar
Cute young women like you marrying old geezers is just wrong on so many levels. Please don’t do it.
Thomas
I’m already engaged to John Simplot (billionaire #1), but I’m starting to wonder if I made a mistake (judging from his preference of watching “The Andy Griffith Show” last nite as opposed to “ravishing me”); I’m wondering if I should boomerang in the other direction now, as in: “blushing young teenage boys”…something to think about…
match.com is allright, i know these two companys are at war with the dating niche. : At [url=http://online4love.com]dating[/url],
we will see how comes out at the end