The History of Maple Syrup (and Evolution)

You know what the best is?

Seemingly boring news stories, that really make you THINK.

For example, if you had read a story about a Melting Glacier in Canada That Revealed Some Ancient Tree Stumps, wouldn’t it make you think?

It sure as hell made ME think, and so I did….

Alright then…what exactly were these “ancient tree stumps” all about, before they became those sad little stumps?  Were they big-ass trees that offered some shade to yesterday’s cavemen?  Or were they row-upon-row of Maple trees, used to procure the very first maple syrup?

And BY THE WAY, who the hell invented maple syrup? 

As a proud Canadian and devout maple syrup addict, I should probably know the answer…

As it is, I’m clueless…so I wonder: where does the story of “Canada’s Strongest Elixir” begin?

I suppose I could just “Wikipedia” that shit and find out in 30 seconds, but I’m very suspicious of the Internet, and all its various “facts”.  I’m also very suspicious of agreed-upon “history” in general, as well as anything that’s written in supposed “historical” texts.  As a healthy alternative, I allow my brain to conjure up a special version of things…MY version. 

If you don’t know what I mean, then allow me to explain….

 The Story of Maple Syrup (and Humans)

Thousands of years ago, the world was crawling with hunched-over-bushy-browed cavemen.  Cavemen were very unattractive, and they didn’t really know how to smile: (see Exhibit A)

Exhibit A (feel free to ignore the word “help” in the background)

I know what you’re thinking: “were ALL the cavemen as sad and angry and ugly as this one?”

The answer is YES.

But why? And how did things change?

That’s a good question; how did “yesterdays’ human”  evolve, to bring us the refined and beautiful creatures we know today? (see Exhibit B)

Exhibit B (refined beauty)

To be honest, the “evolution jive” was NOT an easy process. 

Here’s the thing: the fastest way for organisms to evolve is to have lots of sex, so they can have lots of “organism babies”, who then grow up to have lots and lots of babies too.  Overall, the more “organism babies” that are born, the lower the incidence of “deformed incestuous babies” (resulting from “sibling-sex”)…hence…evolution  .

But like I said, “evolution” wasn’t easy: seriously, how do cavemen/women woo one another, when they happen to resemble Exhibit A? 

What they need is an aphrodisiac, and that’s exactly what they found, a long, long time ago…

(back to my story)…One day, a couple of ugly cavemen were engaging in a conflict, “grunting-style” (something about who ate the last human drumstick).  The two ugly cavemen started fighting, and eventually one of them was pushed right into a tree.  As the ugly caveman picked himself up, he noticed a clear shiny liquid, dripping right onto his forehead (GROSS!)

“What’s that?”, he grunted.

Confusion was abundant.

The cavemen eventually concluded that the tree was a source of water.  They carried some buckets of the ”water” back into the cavemen-village (they’d be heroes!).

They soon started boiling the water (to kill any contaminants), and that’s when they had their revelation: the “water” started bubbling, turning all brown and thick.

What was happening?

One of the cavemen grabbed the nearest spoon and gave himself a taste.  THIS was his reaction (see Exhibit C)

Exhibit C:” Uh-Oh, I think I have a new addiction!”

The two ugly cavemen were SUPER happy with the “brown stuff”, and they started to add it to everyone’s meals (i.e. raw zebra, elephant husks, and tiger feet…oh yeah, did I mention that I’m referring to cavemen who lived in what we now call Canada?  Okay good ) .

Despite all the delicious ways to enjoy a good scoop of the “brown stuff”, the cavemen STILL weren’t having enough sex.  And for those who were knocking boots, it was pretty much the “brother/sister” thing.  

So how would all the incest stop?…How would the humans finally evolve?

How you say? 

ENTER the Slutty-Cave-Girl-Wife  . 

Slutty-Cave-Girl-Wife was eating the brown stuff one day (the maple syrup), when she accidentally poured some on her arm; she immediately felt a warm and comforting sensation, so she didn’t wipe it off.  When she arrived home that night, her brother (husband) sniffed her out right away.  He liked what he was smelling, so he did her one better (i.e. he lathered himself in the syrup, and then he ravished her). 

Slutty-Cave-Girl-Wife was very impressed with the turn of events.  Instead of carrying on with her brother though, she visited every cave-hut around, lathering herself in syrup, as a preface to some “hot relations”. 

Through all her “planted flags”, Slutty-Cave-Girl-Wife birthed 15  babies in the next 3 years.

These babies grew up to have more babies, who then grew up to have more babies..etc..etc..etc..  Eventually, the humans were no longer “sleeping with the enemy” (a.k.a. immediate family members), and humanity evolved…yay!  

And to think, this never would’ve happened if it weren’t for Maple Syrup…who would’ve thought?

Yeah…I love boring news stories, ’cause they really do make me think…