Hello World, Is There Someone For Everyone?

It was supposed to be an evening of hot chocolate, blanket-curl-ups, and hiding from the snow.

I accomplished all of the above, whilst surprisingly adding some writing to the mix. 

This post is a result of Josh’s, where he talked about a lot of things, including: being alone forever, wtf soul-mates are, true love, personality clashes, and everything in between.

After reading his many thoughts, I found myself twirling my hair, biting my lip, and fondling my ear (nervous habits), so I knew I had to write.

Now since I have the time and head space to write about/think about love, it has to mean that I live a good life.  Yes that’s true, but if I’d really achieved the pinnacle of “appreciating life”, I probably wouldn’t think about “finding love”, as I’d instead be focused on the things I DO have.  I love the things I have, but I am not a robot; everyone can grow and mature and try to save the world, but as we search for broader meaning, do we have to ditch the hope of finding someone special? Whether it’s a look in the eye that says it all, a moonlit cuddle, or a vomit-inducing first kiss, who doesn’t wanna be swept away?

Well maybe some people don’t, but I sure as hell friggin’ do.

So it’s a nice idea, but what’s the plan?  And how do you make it last?

These are the questions that plagued me, as I thought about Josh’s post…

My Stats

26 (OKAY, 26 and two thirds (dammit)), female and single…is this okay?

I suppose it’s okay for now, but am I putting my best foot forward?

Sometimes I look in the proverbial mirror, and I find myself starting to sweat.  It’s not an appearance thing (’cause there’s enough money, sleazy surgeons and scalpels to fix all that), but it’s more the internal stuff, which forces me to grab the deodorant. 

I know what I am, and it’s THIS:

-sincere, funny, caring, passionate, irrational, bitchy, and annoying as fuck.

As you can imagine, it’s the last 3 that get me into trouble.

Now everyone says you should “be yourself”, and that true love’s all about accepting another’s “bad” qualities, as well as the good.

That’s all just GREAT, and maybe I agree, but what if your percentage of good vs. bad is a little bit off? What if you don’t exactly “match up” with the average joe?

If I could affect my ratios, I’d do it like this:

-sincere (25%), funny (15%), caring (40%), passionate (15%), irrational (4.8%), bitchy (o.1%), and annoying as fuck (0.1%).

As it is, I fear that I’m a lot like this (DISCLAIMER: only the people who REALLY know you can give you the true percentage, but hey, it’s an educated guess):

-sincere (15%), funny (10%), caring (15%), passionate (10%), irrational (10%), bitchy (15%), and annoying as fuck (25%).

So it seems like the bad things are a hefty fifty percent, when really they should be around five percent…

Again I hear the phrase “BE YOURSELF, and find someone who loves you for THAT“, but what does that even mean? To me that’s a “defeatist” attitude; it’s an excuse for being an asshole, and explaining it away by saying “oops, it’s just my personality“.

But I ask you, isn’t there a way to get better?

Like what if there was a mis-hap at the Romi-Plant, way back in ’81?

Is there a way to set it right? Or was I stamped with the ”NO EXCHANGES” symbol before I escaped the vagina?

While I didn’t read the fine-print, I will tell you this: I do NOT accept defeat for my mutant personality, so I propose the following:

-a new procedure called “reconstructive personality surgery“.

It might sound crazy, but if science can give you a brand new face, why the fuck can’t it tweak your personality?

So to scientists at large, to doctors, to NASA, to whomever, I challenge you to make my idea happen.

Here’s how it would work:

-You’d arrive at a central factory, where “the change” would start and finish (the factory I picture is a lot like the one in Edward Scissorhands, where Edward’s dad/creator would make all those crazy contraptions (just imagine a lot of metal, and A LOT of noise))

-As soon as you’d enter, you’d be directed to one of the “showering stations”, where’d they’d strip you down, and wash you with a “disinfectant agent” (I’m not sure what hygenics have to do with a personality change, but I feel that it’s important)

-Once cleansed, you’d be patted dry with a towel, and put into a standard “personality-change jump-suit” (the suit would be lemon yellow, with reflectors on every limb (in case you tried to escape at night (you sneaky bastard…))

-Once the prep-work was done, they’d place you in a standard office chair, and roll you onto a conveyer belt (at which point the fun would start)

-After a series of weirdo laser beams stabbing you in the eye (I figure we’d give you corrective eye surgery while you’re there (why not?)), your chair would approach a human-sized oven (like the kind they use to make pizzas (but without the awesome smell))

-You’d then spend a full seven minutes in the personality-changing oven (kinda like that game “7 minutes in heaven”, where you make-out with a 12-year old in a closet (assuming you’re also 12 (of course…))

-Now there wouldn’t be any making-out in the oven (unless you caught a factory-worker’s eye), but instead it would be a whole lot of…ummm…well…I don’t know WHAT it would be, but hey, that’s where NASA/the science nerds come in!

-And once you escaped the oven, “tada!”, you’d have a much more balanced personality; the crazies would be less crazy, the bitches would be less bitchy, the physical abusers would take up knitting, and EVERYONE WOULD BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE

——————————————————————————————

Sigh…and that’s my wish for the world…

So if someone can build my factory (please), I might just make it after all. 

In the meantime, I struggle as the “psychedelic sock”, which doesn’t match with anything!  This may sound strange, but think about it: black socks go with everything right? And what about white socks? Well they’re very matchable too.  Even blue socks have some options, when it comes to finding an outfit.

But what if you’re the multi-coloured sock from hell? 

Find me and outfit that matches that, and I will seriously make-out with you, in a porno kinda way…