30 Seconds To Love
January 8, 2008
I’m not very good at “beginning dating”…
You know, going to a restaurant, talking, asking questions, giggling, creating the illusion of “normalness”…
Not good.
On the plus side, I thrive in situations of randomness: a look, a smile, and out comes the “Romi Charm”!
It’s undeniable 
.
It’s probably hard to convince you of this, when I’m sitting here writing a blog about being single, whilst “The Scientist” by Coldplay sings in the background (will someone please hand me a tissue?).
It’s a tough sell, but please feel free to shut the hell up and listen.
…
Needless to say, I’m happy to skip past the dating ”set-ups” and “screeners”; just let me ”run into” a gem, start up a chat, talk for hours like they do in the movies, and fall in love by the end of the day (or WEEK, if he’s a “shy one”).
Thanks.
So if “random” is the way to go, how the hell do I make it happen?
Hmmm…well people say I look like a gypsy, but the “gypsy styling” without the “gypsy magic” is essentially useless…
So WHAT then?
Well there’s always “Speed Dating”, which is somewhat random, but even then, it’s like an 8-minute interview with a scorecard, and there’s too much competition in a scene like that (curse those young single bitches, grrr…).
But what if I took the brevity aspect of “Speed Dating”, and made it even shorter?
Like what about…winning a single dude’s heart in 30 seconds?
Are you up for it?
I know I am, but how?…And where?
Well…what about the Super-Market scene?
I’ve heard that Super-Markets after-dark are full of available singles, as they’re busy buying their dinners-for-one….cakes-for-one…foot-sprays-for-one (as for me, I fly right through my bottles of foot-odour-spray, why don’t they make it in econo-size?)…
So why not capitalize on a juicy environment, by “bumping into” a dude and charming him in the aisle, in 30 seconds or less? (which will inevitably lead to a moonlit walk in the parking lot, lattes, tender love-sessions, and a joyous wedding…)
It’s a fool-proof plan, so off I go! Time for the Super-Market dating game!!!
BUT WAIT: before I stuff my ass into my vice-like jeans, and slather my face with whorish lip gloss, I need a plan of attack.
Well since I’m nothing if not mathematical, I will stick to the game of “greatest probability”. I need to know which aisles have the highest incidence of free and single “dong-wavers”…
This might seem obvious, but I’m a girl, and I don’t really know how dong-wavers shop…hence…time to do some research (of course, I’m sure the male readers could point me in the right direction, but I need to do research specific to my neighbourhood, demographics, and climate—this is all very scientific).
So I will visit a Super-Market tomorrow night, disguised in some undercover-gear (i.e. trench-coat, fake-nose, top hat, work boots etc…).
Once there, I will comb through the aisles, to identify the dong-alicious “hot zones”.
I will post my results on Thursday, and believe me, you won’t want to miss it (or maybe you WILL want to miss it, I just like saying “believe me, you won’t want to miss it”, because it carries a commanding “news anchor” tone, you know?)
See you Thursday.
Kind regards,
Looking forward to seeing if the chip aisle makes the grade. (Beer might be a good guess as well). I’m now married and usually have my 2 year old when doing the shopping, so we hit just about every aisle BUT the beer aisle. There is nothing sexy about buying a cream for diaper rash. Very funny post!
Cant wait LOL!
The supermarket might be a good bet. Last month I had an aging beatnik/professor stalk me at the local Whole Foods market. He was with me through my entire shopping experience, which isn’t easy because I insist on looking at every single thing, tasting the crackers, smelling all the aroma therapy shit, and listening to all the Putumya CDs to see if maybe I want one. But he hovered nearby the whole time, so obviously market men are pretty serious. Also hit Barnes and Noble. I always find men lurking in the aisles there … they look up suddenly and try to hold your gaze. I never make eye contact, but you definitely should.
I wasn’t good at the dating thing either. I couldn’t go to restaurants with guys because I couldn’t eat in front of them. I was way to shy to let them see me eat. I was quite thin then. My girlfriend and I spent most of our nights riding around a certain block at Brown University. Around and around we would go, following cute guys in cars hoping they would stop and talk to us. Finally one car did stop and I ended up marring him, divorcing him 20 years later and now living with him as his roommate. The first time I ate with him I ended up spilling orange soda all over my white pants. Evidently he thought it was cute and funny. If I did that now he’d skulk away so he wouldn’t have to help clean it up.
Oh, I like Wendy’s idea of the Barnes & Noble! Who doesn’t want a guy who is smart enough to read (or at least smart enough to PRETEND he’s smart enough to read)?
Wait are you seriously going to do this for some reason I am not sure about that1 I guess I will find out thursday
Thursday??? The suspense will kill me from now to then….don’t forget to check the ring finger of those lucky men that you happen to encounter. It wouldn’t be helpful knowing the aisle where all the married men are cruising.
~ 4Heartbeats ~
I’m totally useless with giving you dating advice as I have never actually been on one.
But I would totally put my money on the pet food aisle. Hot guys with great dong potential often have cute dogs. And dogs need to eat. Oh! Go to the pet store!! Dude, ppl take their pets to the pet stores, so you can bend over and show off your apple bosom whilst asking questions about Fido!
Fucking genius Talea, yet again!
I have an idea…
Go to a bar and start talking to a guy. When he turns away put a viagra and a date rape drug in his drink. Wait a few minutes and then when he gets all whoozy drive him home and game on. And if you get preggers then he is stuck dealing with you for 18 years. (at least.)
I should be like a dating guide or something.
I love the way you ended with the great news anchor tease! I’ll be sure to tune in now! Good luck with your investigation, Romi. The vice-like jeans can only help with your search. Just stay away from the alcohol aisles and the baby food aisles.
Not to sound elitist, but I’m with Wendy and teeni on the B&N idea, though there will be fewer shoppers to prey on. And I’d avoid night grocery shopping until the middle of the month, after all the food stamps and welfare credits are spent. And go easy on the whorish lip gloss. Unless you really want a “dong waver”.
Which I don’t think you do if Coldplay gets you all weepy and shit.
Can’t wait to hear the results! I love your happy smiley brazen attitude.; and that you sign off with “Kind Regards”, so sweet. Guys shop FAST! They know what they want and usually hate to loiter around a stupid store. Know the layout so when they look lost, you can lead them right to the beer/meat/BBq sauce and then right into your heart/pants…
Hey Romi, what if Coldplay comes on the store speakers right when you’re making your move on a guy near the onions? He won’t be able to understand you over your blubbering!
Lets see…coming from a hunky young bachelor, your best way to steal a guy in 30 seconds or less would be:
a. to show as much cleavage as humanly possible
b. tight pants, flared bottom, stripper pumps (YES..at the grocery store..)
c. passionately rub a loaf of french bread twixt your legs.
If you don’t score a piece of man-meat in 24 seconds, i’ll give you your money back.
Where am I? Am I new here? Help me…oh wait its Romi’s place! Looks great, I like it.
Cowgal approved!
I think your male readers are all candidates- ever thought of them??
I can’t really give you any dating advice since I haven’t done enough of it to know anything BUT if you just want a one night stand or a regular booty call- I have all the advice you need! (I’m really good at non-committed relationships). Sometimes that turns into dating but it’s kinda weird since you have to decide if you wanna get to know them after already banging them.
I dunno about the supermarket..sounds creepy to me. On the other hand, if you are like me, and are totally useless in the kitchen, the supermarket just may be the perfect place! A guy that can cook is fuckin’ HOT! If you find one of those, ask them if they have a brother, friend or something…Hook a sista up- hey, a girl needs to eat sometimes too.
Hmmm….maybe I’ll go to the supermarket tomorrow? Which one though? wow, so many questions are popping up for me now.
Good Luck with your hunt/investigation.
I wish we lived closer because I’d so take you speed-dating with me. We’d have a blast. I’ve been, and it’s hi-larious. Some cocktails and lots of b.s. Good times for everyone.
Other outrageous places to meet men: scientology bookstores.
Other awesome places to me potential suitors: Nursing Homes.
I just wanted you to know that I am stealing the term “dongalicious” for myself.
Other than that I can’t give you much advice. I have not the slightest idea how to date. The current not-going-to-jinx-myself-by-using-the-word-dating was an interesting series of happenstance. I worked with him once, became facebook friends, and then one day he offered to come over in coattails with a latte when my status was bitching about my lack of latte. Oh! Head over heels. And the scheming began. Conveniently, I have been to his place many a time for creative projects and whatnot, but never on a personal call. But then his place got broken into. Opportunity! It’s knocking!!! So I said “I’m coming over with fun sparkly things to cheer you up.” And my plan worked. So, um, maybe start breaking into people’s houses? Scoping them out, see if they seem like the kind of dong-wielder you want, and go from there!
If you’re still having trouble after this, you can borrow my chloroform.
I don’t know if this is helpful but a friend of mine really did meet the love of his life in the vegies section. Choosing broccoli I think…Good luck!
I’ve met most of my men through mutual friends, it’s always worked for me. Also I used to go see local bands a lot (still do, but not nearly as much any more) and I met a lot of friends that way….and friends of friends…and friends of friends of friends! The bar isn’t THE best place to meet someone quality, but it does happen sometimes!! (Especially when you’re introduced through friends and he isn’t your run-of-the-mill schlub getting plastered on Jager Bombs and just looking for a lay…but if you want that, there are plenty of those available too!)
I liked going to see bands when you first meet someone cuz the band plays and you don’t have to have too much uncomfy chatter and silence. If the guy totally sucks, at least you can occupy yourself watching the band, lol.
Keep your eyes open, love can be found in places where you’d least expect it.
I met my wife at a wedding. I responded to a call there as an EMT. We’ve been together ever since.
Thomas
indianamatt: welcome to my man-starved world
. Okay, you’re married with a 2-year old? Well you are OUT of the picture, but thanks for the Chip-aisle tip….and you know what? Canada does NOT have an alcohol aisle in the grocery store, so no finding fellas there! 
kaylee: yes I am seriously going to do that; I am off to the Super-Market in a little bit!
Wendy: you’re friggin’ hilarious
…I’m a little weary of creepy old beatniks, so I’ll make sure to ID the “no-go, old-balls” aisles 
By the way, I love your idea about Barnes & Noble; guys who can read are cool!
joanharvest: you keep this up, and one day I’ll have to publish all your comments into a book, the general public deserves to enjoy this!(LOL)
…yeah, so the idea of me going to a bar to scope out dudes where there are saucy chicken wings involved = EM-barrassing…I’d rather starve and not smudge my lipgloss, than eat messy food in front of a dude, haha… 
teeni: what’s more clever than a guy who pretends he’s smart enough to read?
4Heartbeats: thanks for the tip; I’ll have those ring-fingers in my sights at all times!
Talea: You are a renewable resource of “fucking genius”…I didn’t even consider the Pet Aisle, but I just added it to my list; wow…Milk Bone Treats and my apple-bottom in ONE aisle, you can’t lose!
King Steve: when is your “Dating Tips For Lonely Girls–The Whore Edition” coming out? I’ll be first in line, and you better do a book signing!
Daddy Dan: I’m glad I have your attention! Yes, the baby-food aisle is DEFINITELY out (unless there are cute single dads..LOL), and as I told IndianaMatt, no beer in Canadian grocery stores dammit! (I’ll have to visit a liquor store for round #2 of my “dong search” (IF the Super-Market doesn’t pan out…))
David: you’re not elitist, literacy is important! Hmmm…middle of the month…well it’s January 9th, so I’m walking a fine line, but I’ll take my chances…by the way, I think a thick sheen of whorish lip gloss is essential, but I won’t be using it tonight, as this is the “research-prep-work-in-disguise-attempt”…and hey, even nice guys like girls with whorish lip gloss…no?
CuriousC: You’re the best; seriously, no one on my blog has ever called me “sweet”, but I guess “kind regards” really clinched it; I should say that more often
…and thanks for the tip on the layout, there is only ONE way out of the grocery store, and it’s through my heart/pants, hahaha 
indianamatt: excellent point! I need to get out all my tears BEFORE I visit the Super-Market, just in case they throw on the Coldplay, but how do I do it?? Hmmm….maybe I’ll stab myself in the leg before hand, so I cry my eyes out in agony, that way I won’t have any tears left for when the Coldplay comes on (good plan Romi, good plan…)
Andy: 24 seconds or my money back? With an offer like that, how can I NOT give it a try? Can I substitute a loaf of Rye bread if they’re out of French Bread, or will that make the guarantee null and void???…
Cowgal: hey nice to see you again! And the “cowgal seal of approval”? Thanks! I’m glad you like it; this one’s for the girls!
Rachel: hmmm…male readers eh? Well hellllooo there boys
…
By the way, any advice helps, and I would never leave one of my sisters out in the cold, so when I’m doing research tonight, I’ll keep an eye out for hot male twins who go grocery shopping together, LOL…
Barclay: can you IMAGINE if you and I went speed dating at the same venue? We would TEAR SHIT UP with our craziness, haha…THAT’S IT, a trip to Cali in 2008 is officially on the agenda
bronsonfive: nursing homes WTF? Come on man, I’m not THAT old and single…I still have remnants of “youngin” in me, right?
greenie: keep saying “dongalicious” until you see it written on a t-shirt at one of those booths in the flea market
PS: I LOVE the “breaking into houses” idea, but can you come along with me? That way I’ll have a
scapegoatback-up to help me out in case things go horribly wrongthedesktop: now do I have free reign over how much chloroform I borrow? Or do I have to pay you back per ounce of use???
Oscarandre: Hello there, nice to meet you
I have to say I was skeptical in thinking that the veggie aisle could be a “hot zone”, but you’ve given me hope 
cheetah14: I don’t know what it is, but my friends seem to only know or hang out with boring losers (LOL)…
..And even though it’s naive, I’m kinda still looking for a Prince Charming; maybe you can keep your fingers crossed for my idealistic self
PS: the band idea is great to avert boredom, though I would probably replace that with an evening of street-corner “puppet theater”, ’cause you know…AMAZING
twps: that’s sweet, and thanks for the tip; if he’s not in a Super-Market, I’ll keep looking…
Mmm .. a dong waver .. with fuzzy nuts. Niiice!
I dont know where they hang out at the market. Mine is always 10 feet behind me, walking too slow *shrugs*
hmm, getting all your tears out. How about watching “The Notebook” first. That would work for my wife!
I’m writing it right now. And of course I’m doing a book signing. Where else would I meet tons of lonely horny chicks?
I don’t recommend speed dating. It’s rigged. Also, I’ve found my gym at night to be full of single people but not..good looking single people, course I live in Michigan right now so double chins are the norm.
Oh yea, I did speed dating when I was living in nyc.
http://cakerockstheparty.wordpress.com/2007/06/02/moustaches-and-hairlips/
Ha! I would totally help you break into someone’s house. I’d even hum the mission impossible theme the entire way as we spray pheromones and shit all over the place.
Hope you realise a lot of supermarkets in the UK and Europe have singles nights… which is like normally Tuesdays or Wednesdays and stuff…
You could be all like hanging out at the cheese bar… which is a level above dipping in the frozen peas department.
You are a trip. This is very funny. word of caution there are also very creepy people in the supermarket that late so bring mace. Speed dating? HUH? I mean how shallow can that encounter be. I am single too, sort of and I know your frustration. But enjoy it b/c one day there will be another person to think of and that could really suck. Thanks for the comment on my sappy poem. Veronica
“dong-wavers”, “dong-alicious”, oh, Romy, you are one funny chick! Hope your research is full of possible randomness.
Red: fuzzy nuts wtf??? Hahaha, you crack me up dude, never fails
indianamatt: is it bad to admit that I’ve seen The Notebook multiple times and teared up during each viewing (like during the -super-old people segments…so cute and sad!!)
King Steve: I will crush as many lonely horny bitches as I need to..whatever it takes to be first in line and get a photograph with King Steve
Elvi Patterson!: Double-chins are the norm?!??! That is hilarious and unfortunate
…btw, that link to your post was AWESOME, thanks for the solid read 
)
greenie: can we take the mission impossible thing to the next level, and wear fake-face masks ala Tom Cruise pretending to be “Phillip Seymour Hoffman” (did I just take my nerdy loser-ishness too far with that one???)??
Paul: are you for real with this super-market singles night thing, or are you making fun of me? If you speak in earnest, then it is time for me to move to the UK (might as well, since I’ve got that accent-fetish thing anyway
PS: forget cheese-aisle, I love my frozen peas!!
veronicaromm: thanks for stopping by, and good tip on the mace…I will enjoy this while I can still pull it off, without people saying “why is that old lady hitting on those teenagers?”
…and no worries, that poem was hard to resist 
duffboy: my research was rather interesting, as you’ll soon find out
Oh my gosh You are too funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you’re right! I don’t want to miss it!
[...] of the Chick « 30 Seconds To Love 30 Seconds To Love: Part II January 10, [...]
Obviously the meat section will be a big one, also the beer cave/isle. Frozen goods should be a hit. Pretty much anywhere you will find food that’s easy to prepare. Of course you could look for the extraordinary guys like me who hit every isle. Guys like me know how to cook, and aren’t afraid to spend cash to eat well.
Also the dairy section. bachelors need milk for cereal.
I read your information.Your information so good and interesting for me. Thank you.
Dude, I heart Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Have since Twister, with the Goo Goo Dolls playing in the background. Hmmm. Maybe the Dresden Dolls and the Goo Goo Dolls should hook up…
[...] A maniacal plot to find true love in 30 seconds (check it here) [...]