Lingerie For Giants
January 13, 2008If I ever When I find my next special someone, and we’re walking down the street, or in a mall, we will NEVER take a route that includes a lingerie store.
Why?
Here’s why:
Is it the sight alone that disturbs me?
No.
Honestly, photographs of hot chicks are fun, and sometimes they make me wanna “lesbian-ize” (so thanks “hot ladies”, thanks for the option 
).
Furthermore, if I shunned these hot-chick images, if would also require that I shun all the pics of sexy-abbed men in magazines, hawking cologne whilst evoking raw sexual power. And would I ever say that?… 
So what’s the problem? Why do I have my panties in a bunch?
Well…it involves the trend on the front of every major lingerie store.
Gone are the days of regular-sized mannequins, as they’ve all been replaced by 15-foot posters of hot, sweaty, almost-naked chicks.
THIS…SUCKS.
I mean before I only had to contend with a regular-sized chick made of plaster (or porcelain, or whatever the heck mannequins are made of). Quite frankly, I am not that threatened by “mannequin composition”, up to and including their horse-hair wigs. And even if dudes “got off” on mannequins, at least they’re my height, so I can SORT OF hope to out-sex their plastic asses.
But what about these 15-footer posters, that reek of enormo-slut?
I’m sorry, but that shit is overpowering. Like everytime I walk by those stores on my way to work, a corner of my eye goes into “pervy-leer” mode…I can’t help it, and I’m not even ”mad about vaginas”!!! (not yet anyway…)
So what’s a man gonna do when he walks by an image of a ”15-footer”, if not spontaneously combust? (if you know what I mean…).
And sure, maybe I’m not giving dudes enough credit, like maybe dudes have a lot more control over “junior” than I give them credit for.
But even if they keep things calm down below, what do you think is their lingering thought?
Well it’s only a guess, but I’m thinking it’s THIS: “Oh damn, that 15-footer chick is hot; I wonder what it’d be like to bang a 15-footer”.
And the next thing you know, your every sexy move is being judged on ”how a 15-footer would’ve done it”.
And that right there is my problem.
Here’s the truth: no matter how well I eat, or how much I work out, I am never gonna be a 15-footer, it’s simply not in the cards (well not that I know of…anything is possible I guess). I just think it’s wrong to tempt our men with the idea of 15-footers (with a boob as big as your entire torso), when they don’t even really exist. It’d be the same thing if men were bombarded by images of mermaids on a daily basis; I mean YES, mermaids are hot, but NO, they don’t exist, so keep that shit in the vault!!!
But alas, the giant-sexpots are everywhere.
Why aren’t these store-front posters 2-feet tall instead? Think about it: the chances of men perking up because of ”midget-sluts” are a heck of a lot smaller than the ”giant-whore-fantasy” threat (or maybe I’m wrong…or maybe I don’t want to know…ugh…).
And sure, maybe this problem isn’t new; like what about the billboards you see downtown, covering an entire side of a building? Well yes, those are a nuisance too, but a 200-foot sized chick is perhaps…a little more “out there” as a concept. I’m not even sure if a guy would know where to start, so I doubt he has 200-footer fantasies (…right?).
But it’s these 15-footer bitches, the ones on the cusp of reality, these are the ones we should fear.
So how do we begin the “15-footer resistance”?
Well…short of breaking into lingerie stories, stealing all the 15-footer hot-chick-posters, and replacing them with portraits of trolls, I just don’t know…
I guess I’ll keep thinking of an anti-giant solution, but in the meantime (just in case), I’m off to tie my hands and feet to the ends of my bed, to see if I can’t just stretch my way to new heights …
Ask any guy and they’ll say the same thing, I’d totally nail a midget slut. Why? The story alone is worth at least 2 free rounds at the bar.
LOL. Those posters ARE intimidating. Maybe the store owners think that by making them larger than life that we won’t realize they are still the same tiny underfed ridiculously proportioned models that we regular sized women know we will never be. They maybe think they are fooling us into thinking we have a chance? I don’t know. But you are so right – it is hard to walk by them – you do catch them out of the corners of your eyes. I like the idea of the miniature sized posters. But they’d then plaster the whole window with tons of them.
Yeah, those posters do suck. But I guess it’s better than totally life-like mannequins towering over you like a big ol’ busty robot. I wonder why they don’t do that, go the extra mile and use super expensive life-like mannequins cast from the actual models? Maybe they don’t trust shoppers and are scared people will start humping them in the store?
Hahaha…
Dudes don’t care about lingerie. They want naked chicks.
So I’m sure you could compete with these “giants” if you just walked around naked.
I don’t think you have anything to worry about Romi. Guys tend to over obsess about their own size.
The last thing they want is a giant to make them look even smaller. 
If unfair competition is what you fear, fear the midget. Be afraid, be very afraid.
OKay that poster just bothers me that all I have to say but, then again I still have soe learning to do on this subject
You can’t “lesbianize” because you’d have to start over with your grocery store research. (By the way, maybe you can get a government grant on that). Great blog. I have to add you to my blogroll.
Hilarious post. We walked by one of those stores yesterday and my hubby’s eyes almost fell out of his head. (I accidentally typed “heads” there. Freudian perhaps?)
I call for equal billing. Mens lingere stores with 15′ sexy posters. That’s what I want.
LOL at all the comments too! If you did lesbianize, you could hang out in the feminine needs section. All chicks have to go there once a month.
I would just walk around with brightly coloured flyers that say “I have herpes” and paste them to the window covering their boobs and/or faces. With superglue. That’ll learn them, ha!
Hahaha. Dudes have no control over junior.
Thomas
You’re fine as you are kid. Fuck those plastic bitches.
My goal is to look like the woman in the poster after I lose the next 150 pounds. I think a lot of plastic surgery will be involved considering I’m 58 and she’s probably 20. Hey, you gotta have goals, right? Actually, I’ll just be happy to lose the weight and be healthy. That’s the real goal- to be healthy enough to take care of my grandchild when my daughter has one in a couple of years.
If I was a guy I’d be scared of a sweaty 15 footer coming towards me.
You’re so right, romi. We need to do something. I can start organizing something here in America while you work the Canada scene. I was thinking I could glue some of my actual pubic hairs onto these manequins’ crotch areas, heads, and chests to see what kind of a reaction that would provoke. What do you think?
Elvi: does that work on the flip side too? i.e. will I score free drinks if I get nailed by a male midget and live to tell the tale???
Teeni: ahhh…I see, so those rail-thin models are really 15-feet tall and 500-pounds…ahh, so now we all feel better about ourselves, haha…and damn, a wallpapered wall of midget-lingerie sluts, that could be a problem too…thanks for your feedback
Wendy: yeah, I think it would be really scary if they had mannequins that were made of wax and looked all life-like, ’cause the last thing I need to see is young boys “becoming men” against the statuesque frame of a robot-wax-chick..and what if their reckless boy-actions “damaged” the merchandise Monica-Lewinsky-style? (yeah I said it, hahaha…
)
King Steve: walking around naked to fight the good fight against giants seems like an awesome plan, but…it’s really cold in Canada…what if I wore a see-through winter-coat with arrows pointing at my nasty bits?
Peter: haha, I never thought about the flip side, and you’re right…so really, it’s those sneaky little midgets that stand to ruin a wonderful relationship with my “to be determined” boyfriend…I don’t like the sound of this.
kaylee: I think those posters are disturbing no matter how much you’ve seen or learned…sexy giants are a threat to mankind, or womankind, anyway
indianamatt: thanks for keeping me on track! I agree, “reckless lesbianizing” would totally cancel out my grocery-store progress, and ruin any chance of getting a grant for all my research (haha, yes, I am SO going for that grant!!!)
PS: Great blog to you too; you’re getting rolled in just a minute
Alyson: Thanks and nice to see you
. And hey, do you know how many Freudian slips I have a day? My entire existence is highly inappropriate 
.
And YES, 15-footer man-giants..can you imagine? (*drool…)
PS: If I ever abandon my dong-grocery-research and flip to the other side, the “feminine needs” aisle will be like my very own girly-meats market…nice
greenie: HA! Why are you so fucking hilarious? See you made me curse, that’s how much I’m laughing right now
…even if I DID lesbianize, I wouldn’t touch a 15-footer-chick who had a herpes sign with a 10-foot pole…shudder…
PS: “that’ll learn ‘em”…what a great expression
twps: thanks for confirming what I sorta kinda thought
bronson: based on that comment, I’m gonna assume you have my back against the 15-footer bitches… like if they break out of the store-window and start attacking little 5′7″ bitches like me, I know you’ll throw an axe at their neck or somethin’, I just know it
joanharvest: you start out so funny and dead-pan, and then in the end you always teach me something; it’s such a stellar combination and you’re right, stickin’ around to be a grandmother will certainly be a wonderful thing
leaf: I want to agree with you, but something makes me think that there’s an underlying “giant fantasy” that lives within every man…
abarclay12: LMAO! Your commitment to the cause is apparent in what you’re willing to do
…Why don’t I assign you to your neighbourhood lingerie stores, and you can cover off as many posters as possible, based on the quantity of your natural resources, hahaha 
You don’t have to worry about me near those lingerie stores, Romi. The only 15 footer I’m concerned with is the one in my pants.
Don’t all hott chicks sweat constantly?
Look, when I took those shots, they never TOLD ME they were gonna blow them up to be 15 feet! I thought they’d be nice and 8 1/2 by 11 sized.
I’m sorry that my gigantic beauty has you intimidated Romi.
But not really.
Yeah. Fifteen foot tall chicks would rock. I’d like to have a threesome with a fifteen footer and a midget, that would be fun. But honestly, you should walk all your men by pictures of hot chicks all the time. Because he’s probably not going to cheat on you with a poster. Instead, he will just get a boner that doesn’t go away until he loves you up for hours on end. That way, you can have your lesbian fantasy, he can have his 15 footer fantasy, and you both get awesome sex.
I should be a diplomat. How did I get so wise?
Dudes are really into the giant chick, except for the two drinks at the bar the story gets you, First giant chicks just make your unit look smaller second its going down on a chick not going up on her and last there are a lot of people who are into midget porn, not that there is anything wrong with that!
A see-through is a good idea. We definitely need to get this on the market.
yo!!! Ever walked past an Abercrombie?? Always some giant mural of two shirtless ripped abbed guys tackling each other in a game of some sort of homo-eroticism.
Thats not the the issue so much. Its just that these chisled dudes are out there on display (probably 9′ rather than said 15)..but same thing. Dont think just because you have a vagina that you’re the only one who has to live up to shopping mall standards!
I’m not sure if guys like women who are that tall. You could always use a distracting technique or veer them away from anything before the opportunity arises!
Well, we’ve always dreamed of 15″ boners, I don’t know what would satisfy a 15 Foot Plastic Giant. This puzzles me.
Hehe. I got “that’ll learn ‘em” from a very colourful character in my past. Roadie/musician, surprised? No. He did a show with Rammstein at the Docks apparently, and ended up hanging out later (ie: packin’ in the booze and blow) and one of the dudes thought it would be a good idea to go swimming in Lake Ontario. He came out with a look of panic and a “I’m all slimy!” His response? “Haha! That’ll learn ‘ya!” Terrific.
Thank GOD I don’t have to see those posters. Bad enough that my wife gets a new Victoria’s Secret mailing every week. I don’t even look at them anymore. King Steve is totally right! Completely NAKED is what we want. Sweaty or not, big or small. But no 15 footers please. I’m too old for that shit …
OH yeah, and Amanda Palmer (The Dresden Dolls) has the perfect t-shirt slogan for this 15 foot bimbo:
WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME I’M AWESOME
Thedesktop: You don’t say eh? I hope that’s not a 15-footer DUDE in your pants…is there something I should know?
yojoe: I haven’t spent a lot of time observing the perspiration-patterns of hot chicks, but you might just be right!
Talea: oh Puh-leeze, as if you didn’t DEMAND that they put your hot-bod on every bus, billboard and school-gymnasium-wall…I’m SO SORRY you had to “settle” for conservative 15-foot posters
Josh: that seems like a valuable piece of wisdom, until he starts asking you to put on a pair of stilts before he “loves you up”…
PS: if you ever get around to doing a 3-way with those two ends of the spectrum, please blog about it
troutchaser: nice to meet you, and you’re right, there’s nothing that makes a guy’s unit seem small like being faced with a dark, cavernous (and gi-normous) entry-way…and on the midget-porn thing…is there something we should know about your computer, and why it contains a folder called “Good Things “Come” In Small Packages?”…(why am I being so inappropriate today? I’m not sure, I guess curry does that to me
)
King Steve: okay, so we have the idea, now all we need to do is find a dozen or so hard-working 6-year-olds, ’cause you know, these coats aren’t gonna produce themselves!
Andy: almost any instance of 9-15 footer-dudes involves chiseled dudes and male-wrestling on a hill-side, but rarely the 15-footer solo shot…and you know what that means?
-That means that as soon as I see these displays, my “gay-dar” goes off the chart, and just like THAT, the chiseled-party dies in my mind…I guess male wrestling doesn’t do for us what female-pillow-fights do for you…
SO…until I see A LOT more chiseled-abbed men on their OWN in 15-foot posters vs. WRESTLING with other chisled men, I will maintain, that yes, life is unfair and 15-footer-chicks must be stopped!
dontdatethatdude: you’re right, a distracting technique…but what?? I could always stop in my tracks and make-out with a homeless dude, ’cause it don’t get much more distracting than that…
duffboy: hahaha…yeah, there might be a size-discrepancy, it doesn’t seem very logical…That being said, when faced with a 15-footer whose boob is the size of your upper-body ( x 2), and a king-sized ass that won’t quit, I have a feeling that all your logic will get tossed to the wind…
greenie: no I’m not surprised, but I love your roadie stories! …eww, and Lake Ontario makes you slimy? Yet another reason why I won’t even listen when someone says: “go jump in a lake!”… and yes that happens sometimes
David: I don’t think you can ever be too old for a 15-footer; they will come and find you, scoop you out of your 2nd storey window, and rock your world…ohhh yeah, they’re comin’ to getcha!
PS: now all we need to do is get these bitches to actually wear a t-shirt, and THEN we’re gettin’ somewhere!
Enormo-Slut! I think u just coined the word for the kind of gal I’ve been searching for!
Merci
Control?! Junior?!?! You clearly don’t know us all that well! If Aliens invaded the Earth and said “Take me to your leader” I’d drop my pants and say “He’s the boss, I just work here.”
Wow– It must feel great to be the model plastered all over the windows of Victoria’s Secret. I’m inspired. I’m going to get some twelve-foot heels, a fake tan and a few streaks in my hair. I’m going to airbrush myself and walk around the mall for a while in my underwear.
Or maybe I’ll just haul my short little self over to Macy’s. I hear they’ve got a sale on flannel nightgowns.
Well, you could distract them with food or sports of some kind, or merely, if possible pre-plan your route and avoid, avoid, avoid. Or you could casually mention that you have heard that anyone who looks at and/or fantasizes about giant-tall-15-foot cardboard cut out super models involuntarily loses use of their sexual organs. You have to make it seem like a fact though. My mother used to tell us if we sat too close to the tv we would go blind and it worked! So this could be a tactic to try out!
LOL thats for sure
aniche: how fun! I guess size DOES matter for you; good luck finding the enormo slut that’s right for you
Mr. President: you just made me picture you dropping your pants…what more can I say? I’m a happy gal right now
moonbeam: that one paragraph you wrote is pretty much the best visual ever; I wonder what it would be like if the streets were filled with us real-life girls in 12-foot heels and fake-tans, with abs airbrushed to perfection
PS: oooh, I’m wearing my flannel winnie the pooh PJ’s right now, and I couldn’t be more in love with my image
dontdatethatdude: avoidance is getting more and more difficult, but we could always move to a cabin in the woods
And hey, I like the lie about losing use of sexual organs via 15-footer-cardboard fantasies…I wonder if I could get a medical journal to publish that… (and the TV/blind threat is pretty much the most effective one ever, closely followed by “don’t cross your eyes or they will stay that way!!” 
)
kaylee2: you are too cute and that is all
I’m so happy I found your blog — I traveled here through SomeGoSoftly. You’re hysterical. Keep it up! Like the rest of the folks here, I’ll be back for more.
cathy: I’m really glad your travels brought you here; I love finding new people as well
And yes, feel free to come back for more, ’cause as long as I have things to ramble on about, I’ll be around
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I don’t mind the big posters–they turn me on (I’ve had door-size posters of women before). And I love tall women–I’m 6-feet, 3-inches, so it makes sense.
What I hate is women who are underweight–and all my life (I was born in 1966–when Twiggy hit the scene and the Barbie Doll (one of the worst, and even fatal, things ever invented) was in) most of the female celebrities, and ALL of the models have been too damned thin! The one you have pictured is a perfect example–she is emaciated! And they get more and more emaciated, as time goes by! I can’t even get off on the women in “Playboy” or “Penthouse” anymore–they’re disgusting! I have to buy British imports, or “Leg Show” to get off–and the BRITISH models are getting skinnier and skinnier now (the United States has done more damage to the rest of the world, with it’s fucked-up culture, than any other nation)! I’d rather have sex with a woman who is 40 pounds overweight than one who is 10 pounds underweight!