Love Spells and Lonely Hearts

I’ll start with a confession: 

-I’ve been single for EVERY Valentine’s Day since I was born.

Long-term relationship “issues” aside, that’s TWENTY-SIX solitary February 14th’s…

But am I bitter?

Heavens no.

Valentine’s Day is a special time for lovers to get some action, and for single girls to dream a little dream for love.

To me, Valentine’s Day is the “magic that’s waiting to happen”.

So what does that mean for Valentine’s Day 2008?

It means that I’ve been working on a potion, for conjuring up TRUE LOVE.

…

If you’re feeling a little skeptical, allow me to explain…

***

…It was an ass-chilling January night.

I was travelling home from a girls-night “Harry Potter marathon” (what, like you wouldn’t bang Daniel Radcliffe?), and suddenly it hit me:

-Why are there so many spells and hexes in Harry Potter?  Do things like that really exist? 

As I continued to ponder if J. K. Rowling had gotten it right, I noticed a decrepit building towering over me.

(Had it always been there?)

It was a library, which was strangely open 24/7.

Something told me to go inside for a peek…

As I opened the creaky door, I saw an old lady of 100 (and 20) sitting at the check-out desk.

She was eerily still; it was as if she was frozen in time.

Not knowing if she was dead or alive, I grabbed the nearest book and threw it at her face.

She stirred on impact, and flashed me a wrinkly smile.

I managed a quick nod, and made my way to the musty aisles.

It only took seconds for the smell of old books to turn me on, but amidst all my ecstasy, I saw something weird in the corner.  It was a dusty walkway lit by mounted candles, with a sign at the entrance: “FOR REFERENCE ONLY”.

Curiosity took hold, and 5 seconds later I was browsing the most intriguing array of books I had ever seen:

-Books on how to slay dragons, books on raising a unicorn-farm, it was incredible.

There was one book in particular that stood out from the rest:

-The Book of Spells

I grabbed it and flipped through the pages madly, looking for a single thing…

And there it was: 

-An entire section of ”Love Spells”.

I HAD to have these spells, but I wasn’t allowed to sign-out the book…

So of course, I ripped out the pages.

Now here’s the trouble: I had left my coat at the front, so I had NO idea where to hide the stolen pages.

Suddenly I remembered I was having my period.  This is usually a challenging time in my life, when I wear loose pants and giant underwear.  It’s a sad reflection on my hotness for 5 days a month, but tonight it was a blessing.

So…I shoved all the pages down my underwear.

I then grabbed my coat and nodded at the granny one last time (ready to chuck another book at her face if she tried something funny).

Once I escaped, I raced straight home for some midnight reading…

…As I browsed through the pages in bed that night, I saw that they were mostly devoted to improving existing relationships.

But then I happened upon it:

-”How To Make A Man Fall In Love With You”

!!!

All I had to do was create the potion, determine the whereabouts of Brad Pitt, and slip a few drops into his coffee.

I scanned the list of ingredients, and once I saw that they were everyday items, I started to round them up:

-6 cans of chicken broth (the basis for the potion)

-A cockroach’s testicles (to ensure that he is ruled by “tiny balls”, so he’ll NEVER tell you what to do)

 -A slab of hardwood (to prevent, well…you know)

-An old lady’s cataract (to make sure he’s blind to your physical flaws)

-A cup of bear’s urine (to access the “cuddle-on-demand” lever, at any time and place)

-And 3 of my prettiest eyelash-hairs (to guarantee he’ll only have eyes for ME)

——————————————-

Once I had the ingredients, I snuck into the basement and pulled out the rusty cauldron (which was normally reserved for “broken-toilet” occasions).

I flipped the page over for “Directions”, and that’s when I gasped in horror:

-Nearly all the ink had been washed away!

I could only make out the very last line:

“The potion is useless unless it achieves flourescent orange colouring: DO NOT DEVIATE FROM INSTRUCTIONS!”

The problem I’ve found with potions in the past, is that they’re VERY specific: i.e. ”stir clockwise 8 and 5/7 times, wait 5 minutes and 24 seconds before adding bear-urine, etc. etc.”.  So without the proper direction, I was virtually hopeless.

Desperate for help, I sought out the advice of every alchemist/gypsy/warlock in the Greater Toronto Area.

But the answer was always the same: “There are thousands of ways to create the potion, and only ONE is the right one.”

So it seemed that my chances for love were as improbable as ever…

…After five long days of eating my weight’s worth of layered-cake, I finally came to my senses.

That is, I dusted off the cauldron, took an enormous crap (not in the cauldron), and gave the ol’ spell a try.

I stirred, I chanted, I whisked, and after using up about a hundred litres of bear-piss, today I can tell you the following:

-I’ve managed to get the potion from a darkish brown…to a medium lavender!

I’m just a few (hundred) tries away from flourescent orange…can you feel the magic?!?!?!?

So listen up: as soon as I colour-match the potion to my orange bicycle shorts from 1990, I will post the “official directions”. 

And then…true love will be ours.

But just remember ladies (and gents (?)): I’ve got dibs on Mr. Pitt.

Happy Valentine’s Day