Improving The Odds For Love…
April 6, 2008
Sometimes it’s the little things that matter in the game of love.
And it’s only when you notice a shortage of these things, that you start to understand why you’re still alone.
I experienced this truth for myself, a few short hours ago…
…I was chilin’ at the local “Juice Bar”, soaking up a casual Sunday (I don’t even like juice, but I figure that the “oooh…look at me, I’m hot and single and I like juice!“-dudes hang out in juice bars, so I have to go where the action is…).
I was sitting at a table all by my lonely self (drinking up my “wheat-grass-papaya-licious” drink), when I noticed a nearby couple.
The woman was mature and average, late 30’s I would say, with a friendly smile and well-proportioned cheeks. I wouldn’t have noticed her at all, but there was something in the way she had enraptured the man sitting next to her. He hung on her every word, and looked into her eyes like they were keeping him alive.
I was astounded by her goddess-like abilities, and wondered how this man (this very hot man) had fallen into her clutches.
Was she one of those women with a big ol’ bag of tricks in the bedroom? Did she have an amazing personality? (well actually I could hear their conversation, and no, she did not…) What did SHE have that I didn’t have, and how could I get it too?
I studied her some more in a semi-creepy way, and that’s when I saw her biggest weapon, the ace in her proverbial pocket.
She had…a giant…
broach.
That’s right, she was wearing one of these:
Though I was blinded by the sheen of the broach, I could finally see what was happening:
-the broach was using its metallic powers to melt down the fella’s heart!!!
My thoughts quickly turned to myself, and how I’ve never owned a broach in my entire life. And here I was, writing a “WTF, why am I single?“-blog…Like HELLLLO…I was obviously missing the broach-factor!!!
So now I need to get a giant broach.
But where does one go to procure such a monstrosity?
I need one that’s large enough to cover my left boobie, but not so heavy that it damages my sweater.
Should I go to an antique store? A jewelry wholesaler? A granny’s bedroom?
I think it’s time for a shopping trip.
Before I run off though, I should also tell you that the woman had a hook for a right hand, as well as massively over-sized earlobes.
Needless to say, if the broach-thing doesn’t work out, it’s time to rig-up some serious mutilation…
A woman with a hook? Outrageous! Did she dress like a pirate with an eye patch and a parrot on her shoulder? How about a wooden leg?
Classic!
Thomas
HA. If it were only so simple! LOL. I hope the broach works for you though – I don’t want to think about what self-mutilating lengths you might go to.
Seriously, go to Kohl’s. They have cheap broaches there. I work with a woman who always wears a broach and is in her mid-50s, and all the younger guys at work are constantly hanging out with her.
Try a porkchop broach, we are suckers for meat! (drool…pant…drool)
Did the broach highlight cleavage. That would be about the only way that I would notice a broach.
Dude, you should cover yourself in broaches. All sorts. The crazier the animal (cuz they’re always animals, aren’t they?) the better.
Then, get a pro to do your hair all sexy-like in a super ornate updo, and smack dab in the middle, put your broachy best….the creme de la creme of the broach world. Perhaps a unicorn with a giant ruby on the tip of it’s…horn? stick? What the hell IS that thing?
In a bit of a hurry here. I’ve only skimmed your post. Something about a big, broke hooker, right?
Ok, just reread. A big broach and a hook, oooook.
If it works for birds, it could work for you. I admit, I am drawn to shiny things. Add to that the chance of a hook-job.
Oooooooh yeah.
Perhaps you should consider some big, brightly colored feathers too. You know, the whole bird thing and all.
Hook job are far superior to Hand jobs..I should know i used to date a carny.
Please don’t ever use the words “boobies” and “mutilation” in the same post again…
It’s enough to make a grown man cry.
ha ha ha this would make a good movie starring cybil shepard as the old gypsy lady who sells you the broach.
i wore an owl necklace out one night. before i know it two men come up to me and tell me i has a hooter on my hooters ! feel free to take this and run with it.
Romi, the comments you’re getting on this one are a little sub-par. I’m disappointed. I hope your broach attracts funnier commenters. Be sure to put “broach” in as a key word.
I am reluctant to broach the subject and show off my superior spellings skills, but it should be brooch. Or is this a Canadian spelling? OH, and I’ll loan you my big sparkly fish brooch… I know it works its charms on my hubby. OK, wait, NO – you CAN’T have it! I won’t let you steal my man.
I like the idea of wearing en eye patch. When people ask what happened to your eye, you can say something like, “It’s a long story involving a brooch and a hook for a hand.”
[...] Ahem, STILL… I can’t get the linking to work. Romi’s post on the broaches/brooches: http://romi41.wordpress.com/2008/04/06/improving-the-odds-for-love/ ] I here now show off the true source of my powers, my feminine wiles, that allows me to charm [...]
I don’t think you can actually purchase these broaches. See, I think their powers come from being passed down from one temptress to another. So, I think it’s an heirloom thing.
Do you have any “I was hot when I was young” relatives who might be willing to part with some jewelry early?
I get it, I get it, I get it. You’re thinking the brooch acts like a fishing lure, the guy can’t see the hook and giant earlobes because he is mesmerized by the it’s brightness. Might I suggest wearing something with a mirror so men will see a reflection of themselves in you. If you do what Talea says I think this might work as well. I also agree with other posters that maybe this guy was just into pirates!
My daughter manages a jewelry store so I am broachalicious. I think I have three. The problem is I forget to wear them and they look funny on T-shirts. I usually put them on my black winter coat but I hate wearing coats so people don’t get to see them that often. My daughter is fortunate because jewelry vendors GIVE her expensive jewelry. I mean like thousand dollar pieces so that she will wear them to work and help sell the pieces. Her bosses let her take home anything she wants to wear if she’s going out. Her ringtone on my cell phone is Marilyn Monroe singing “Diamond’s are a girl’s best friend”.
You will really have to be careful in buying a broach. A broach tells a lot about you. A cameo would reflect the fact that you are demure and hard to get. A giant Octopus with colored stones says “I’m coming to get you man whether you like it or not.” So really think about what you want the broach to reflect about your personality.
LOL — listen. In New York, the hook arm is all the rage. Didn’t you see the pix on TMZ of LiLo and the Olsen Twins wearing bedazzled versions of this must-have accessory?
I think men in general are looking for a mild imperfection that will make you appear more approachable. Perhaps you can rig your bra so that the push-up effect only works on one side.
Ya know, just something to get their attention.
Try Ebay. I love Ebay, and I bet you can get a special, man attracting broach from there with just a little outlay of money. Maybe you could buy four or five and keep up with how each works, like in a very complicated spreadsheet.
Or maybe I just need more coffee….
you had me at “bro..”
thats the type or ornamentation that will make even the hardest fellas melt. Someone mentioned eBay…which is good. I saw thrift store. Regardless.
Also look for one thats heavy enough to keep tugging your v-neck sweater down.
I would hit up the antique stores. There are some seriously huge broaches in there. I bet my grandma would have one! hahah
If you’re interested, I tagged you for a meme.
You can get one at Macy’s. Go for a fake diamond one, because it’s my guess hers was made of real “look at me I’m average but wicked rich” diamonds.
I think that joanharvest gives some great advice here, except for the part about the octopus brooch. To me an octopus brooch says “RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!” And, nothing against teachers, I love them, but those are the only other people that wear brooches. And they have special, high density kevlar reinforced sweaters for that. These sweaters are issued by their schools and are highly resistant to puke, chalk dust, thumbtacks, and spitballs.
Hit up the garage sales yo! There are plenty of little old ladies getting rid of their speckled treasures, I totally got a lizard shaped broach once. Actually, my mom did and rocked it in the 80’s but I totally stole it. Sweeeet.
P.S. Sorry I’ve been so absent, it’s Josh’s fault!
I was thinking if the “broach factor” could be handy for us fellas, but that would just be weird, right?
Fuck that broach bull shit. The only guys who would want broaches would be pirates, and they would only want to steal them. Now you might think that of course a pirate would be attracted to a woman with a hook hand, NOT THE CASE! Pirates don’t want useless women with hook hands. Hook hands are for strapping male pirates to wield. The women need both hands to carry us our beer faster. Did I say us? I meant pirates.
And avast Emerald, blame not the likes of me ye scurvy snow wench! This old sea dog ain’t the one filling up ye time like a leaky jib! Twould be ye, blinding me greedy eyes with yar burried euphamistic treasure chest. You best be holding ye forked tongue afore you become mighty aquaited with the brig, or if’n I be in a foul mood, ye walk the long and narrow plank to meet Davey Jones. And bring me my beer woman!
Davey Jones? Threesome what now? Leaky jib hoo-ra? And I’ll totally fetch your beer, I’ll be grabbing one for meself too
Thomas: she was sans eye-patch or parrot, and I was nearly curious enough to pull up her pant legs to confirm my suspicion of her wooden leg, but i feared it would get me arrested, so I refrained…
teeni: I don’t want to think about it either! Like I would have to seriously drug myself up before gettin’ busy with self-mutiliation 101!
thegirlfromtheghetto: I AM so jealous of the 50-something-broachified-chick with the dudes buzzin’ around her honey pot…I need a broach ASAP.
morethananelectrician: a pork-chop broach eh? Umm…that sounds really cool-looking, and greasy…mmm…let me go cook one up right his second!!
Yeah.
purefnevyl: there’s a good chance that she had an amazing rack with serious “cleave”, but the silver accents of the broach blinded me to her “assets”…
talea: dude, you just totally one-upped broach-chicks everywhere with your “best broach in the ornate-up-do suggestion”!
…I’d want my hair to be in one of those “french-twist-up-do” things, and then I’d place my best-and-brightest on top..I love the unicorn idea, because OBVIOUSLY a mystical-animal-broach trumps any regular-animal-broach…and wow, I have no idea what that stick-thingy on the unicorn’s forehead is called….horn? Antenna? Shit…I don’t know.
Peter: a “hook job”? I don’t think you know what you speak of…would you really want to be on the receiving end of that??? Ouchie! Or maybe that’s how you like it…hahaha
PS: feathers are for “showy girls”, you know how simple and demure I am…lol..
Elvi: oh, okay, well here’s some positive feedback on the hook-job…thanks Elvi, your experiences from the past really help add some colour to the discussion!
PS: a carnie with a HOOK? I don’t think it gets much better…haha
Nigel: I had a dream that my boobies were mutilated in a fencing lesson gone wrong…HAHAHA…shall I hand you a tissue?
mittins: you have such imaginative ideas! At the same time, I think it’s sad that Cybil Shepard, once the blonde-bombshell-object-of-Bruce-Willis’s-affection in “Moonlighting”, is now reduced to the creepy-old-gypsy-role…the sands of time are a frightening thing mittins…*shudder*…
PS: you should know that I’ve already planned out tomorrow’s work outfit, and it includes an owl-necklace and a low-cut shirt
Daddy Dan: I’ll have to disagree; I was quite amused by the comments that preceded yours…and by the way, in an ironic twist, your dis-taste of the supposedly unfunny comments was in itself an unfunny comment, so in fact you contributed to watering-down the “funny factor” of the commenter’s comments…funny how that works, hahaha
CuriousC: thanks for the link!…and as we later determined on your post, indeed the wonderful Internet accepts BOTH spellings when you image-google-search “broach”, but you are correct, the approved spelling via definition in the dictionary is actually “brooch”…but doesn’t it make you uncomfortable to spell it “brooch” and pronounce it “broach”???…It does to me, and for this reason, I MUST stay true to my questionable phonetic spelling
angerhangover: there is no doubt that an eye-patch would add a sense of intrigue to the proceedings, and I like the broach-hook-hand “combo story”…the possibilities are endless on that one, and it would likely involve some blood and gore, and what guy doesn’t like a story like that???
Dobe: you have an open heart which accepts the theory of magical powers, and I feel closer to you now because of that
PS: I have lots of Indian relatives (oh wait, they’re ALL Indian, haha), and though their vintage-hotness is seriously in question from the tattered photos I’ve seen, Indians love their shiny jewels!…(i.e. time to do some snooping! LOL…)
dontdatethatdude: fishing lure, hell ya! You totally get me, and the mirror-idea is great, because most guys have enough narcissism in them to like that feature
PS: I can’t wait to try out my giant-hair/broach combo as well, as per Talea’s suggestion
joanharvest: I love that you:
A: are broachalicious
B: used the term “broachalicious”
Also, your daughter has a cool gig, ’cause it seems like she gets to be “jewel-ified” all the time to help her with work, and that’s awesome! And no way, that’s seriously her ring tone? AWESOME
(mine’s “material girl” my Madonna (LOL), so kind of the same idea 
)
PS: I feel like the octopus-one would sort of relate to my personality..hmm…
Traci: if it’s happening in New York, I need to get on that!
PS: I think a hook-hand might actually do something to improve the otherwise hideous creatures that ARE the Olsen Twins…icckk….
betme: is it sad that I don’t have to rig my bra to make it do that? HAHAHA…nah just kidding, I can hoist those babies up with some supportive effort, but I kind of like what you’re saying here, so I’m pretty much gonna let one drop and see how it goes…LOL…
Andy D: hahaha, no you don’t need more coffee, that was a totally lucid and awesome suggestion! I can see myself now, managing my “broach-type X benefit” spreadhseet…and holy crap I could use pivot-tables too!…(I’m so cool right now it’s freaking me out…LOL..
)
Team Hottie: What can I say, I know how to get to you…
And yo: I’ll look for a broach that’s maybe about a pound in weight; that should drag my sweater down to inappropriate levels, and as long as the sweater doesn’t rip, EVERYBODY wins!
Lucky: oh my gosh, that can be an episode of your Lucky/Grandma sit-com: you trying to steal a broach for your blogger friend, but your grandma always being one step ahead of you…ohhh the tomfoolery, I love it!
PS: I’ll swing by soon to check out that meme
Wendy: faux-diamonds on the broach are a MUST-have…I just love how the light would reflect off it, and whatever I can do to associate myself with the upper-crust of society, well I’m down with that
David: the octopus-broach may scream “RUN FOR YOUR LIFE” to YOU, but guess what: I can run too, and pretty damn fast, fucker! HAHAHA…
PS: holy crap, I laughed my ass off at the school-issued-sweaters bit!!! It’s SO true, and so very unsexy…LOL…
duffboy: that seems like it would be weird, but you never know ’till you try, so why don’t you give it a whirl for the guys out there, and then report back?
Josh: I’m not a strapping-pirate male, but I still think a hook-hand would be cool for a hot-ass wench…no????
PS: OKAY, when did you learn such awesome and advanced pirate-speak??? That was frickin’ cool and hilarious…can I bring you to parties and get you to do that???
Em: Dude, your mom rules and I can TOTALLY see you doin’ it up in your lizard-shaped broach…do you put it at the center of your cleavage? HAHAHA…
PS: listen, DON’T apologize for being away because of Josh; SERIOUSLY, look around my blog for a minute: I am an AVID supporter of all things “true love”, so if anything I’m beaming with pride, and let’s not even stop there:
-I officially dedicate this post to the wondrous love that Emerald and Josh discovered, across the vast and varied landscape of Internet-blogging world!
Was it a chance encounter? No.
Was it fate? Hell-fucking-yes!
And with that, I ask all my commenters to raise their imaginary glasses, to my dear friends Em and Josh.
Thank you.
[...] grossed me out today by posting a truly vile photo of I-don’t-know-what) said over on Romi’s blog that brooches were only worn by teachers who wear them on their school-issued sweaters. Well [...]
I would try garage sales. Maybe you’ll meet a really hot guy looking for a unique armoir that he plans on lifting into his pick up truck with his strong manly muscles, eh?
Romi,
For a broach? Don’t bother “shopping” for one. Don’t waste your bread. Just rip off a piece of cardboard like from a box flap, piss all over it…let it dry, then flop some Elmer’s glue on it, sprinkle some glitter, then safety pin that bitch on your blouse. You’ll be a PENIS TARGET for sure.
Here’s how it works:
Men will be bedazzled by the glitter (ooooh, it’s shiny), they’ll be oddly attracted to your very quirky nature–the one that would compel you to wear such a self-honed oddity and of course, wildly lured to you by the phermonic essence of “Romi’s Bladder Squeezins”.
Trust me it works! A year ago, I was dating half of Britain thanks in part to my homemade broach, one night of raucous and randy pub crawling and pint slammin’ and that country’s sub standard plumbing.
LK
Please don’t ever tack “licious” onto the end of anything beginning with grass. Do you remember when Samantha on SATC made her mad drink some kind of grass concoction because he had “funky spunk”?
Did she get that broach at the flea market? What the fuck are those things for anyway? They’re lame.
Romi,
KMA!
Ok, trust Laurie, she is a master of seduction via urine soaked jewelry. It’s disgusting, but animalistic enough to work. My mom wears brooches, so I’m thinking it’s not the brooch, this chick must be a total funbox in the sack. That’s what I’m inclined to believe. She probably owns a swing and lots of oils and sex type things. Nothing says ‘don’t fuck me’ more than a butterfly brooch. The brooch really screams ‘I live in my grandmothers’ mothball scented dungeon. Unsexy for sure.
Romi-
Hey you, hope that all is well. Had to take a mini-vacation, needed some mental health days, and its still off season rates at the condos on the beach, but I digress…
Too bad you didn’t discover the awesome power that is the oversized broach about 20 years ago. My grandmother had an absolutely EPIC broach collection, and I’m sure that I could have procured one or two for your *cough cough* “research”. Alas, she is no longer with us, and her collection has went the way of the four winds. What a tragedy
Besides, he was probably just a “boy-toy”; I was “kept” for a few months when I was younger, but I couldn’t stomach the absolute whore feeling that comes along with it. I was 18 and a bit more attractive than I am now, and it was something out of a movie. A woman came up to me at a bar, offered to buy me a drink, and then proceeded to tell me her fucking life story. Long story short, her husband(who happened to be one of the biggest doctors in the area) was cheating on her with a young woman, and would I like to occupy the same role in her life? I accepted, and she certainly made it monetarily enjoyable, but after the third or forth time that I went with her to some sort of function so she could “show me off”, I was sick of the whole ordeal. Plus, I was 18 and fully capable of taking care of myself. Anyhow, that may be why such a hot man could have been with an older woman. But hey, should give you hope right? Peace, Romi.
You know what the greatest thing is here… its that I might not be the first to comment on this post but I am the first to say “Happy Birthday Romi…” Of course I have the advantage that I get to celebrate your birthday a full six hours before you do, so is that more bang for buck? Or more buck for bang?
Hmmm…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROMI, don’t drink too much (ignore that remark) and this is one day you get to have your cake and eat it too..
…..just cannot believe you are a Backstreet Boys fan…..
*sigh*
Keep kicking ass and takin’ names.
“oooh…look at me, I’m hot and single and I like juice!” – TOO FUNNY, replace ‘juice’ with ‘coffee’ and you have the pretentious coffee cafe culture (say that five times fast) here in New England….
I swear, people are more interested in posturing and posing with their expensive little lattes and typing away feverishly on their laptops. Nobody is there to have a cup of actual coffee…
Miss Romi, I’m loving your writing more and more and I guess Happy Birthday…drink a few for me since I can’t have any alcohol for the next 2 weeks (see 2LazyDogs blog about South Biatch)
Racho: any place that has the potential for big strong manly muscles, I AM THERE! So a garage sale it is then
…
Laurie: You are like a mad-genius scientist! Like a piss-covered brooch on its own would’ve been super-awesome, but a bedazzled-glittered one? TOTAL wang-magnet!!!
PS: I wanna date half of Britain…mmm….
Allison: ewww he had “funky spunk” first of all?? Uggh…and I love Sex and the City, but I never watched it when it was actually on, I just catch up when it’s on weeknights at 11:30 and I can manage to stay up, so I haven’t seen that one!!!
bronsonfive: hahaha…I don’t know if she got it at the flea market, but I love your honest aversion to them (however you’re probably ilke the only man who isn’t turned on by one, haha
)
Daddy Dan: what’s that you say? “Kicked My Ass”? Yes, I believe I DID kick your ass…haha..but seriously, you know I love you right?
keywork: hahaha….bedroom swing! I so aspire for that kind of awesomeness someday
…and you sure know how to describe the grossness with the “mothball-scented-dungeon” call…*shudder*…
DoesItREALLYmatter?: as I said earlier, glad you’re back and no more vacations for you!! And WOW: you just produced a totally intriguing story via your comment! I can’t believe you were a “kept man” at age 18!! Surely there were some perks, but I suppose a thing like that doesn’t do much for the hungry soul, hahaha…and YA: I wanna be one of those older chicks that hooks-in a man-boy, so wish me luck!
Paul: Indeed, since you are living in the future on Planet-Germany, you one-upped the rest of the world with your Birthday greeting, so thank you!
And hmm…I don’t know which type of bang it is, but keep saying “bang” and my birthday will keep getting better and better… 
PS: PLEASE stop telling everyone about my lingering love for the Backstreet Boys, and the fact that I could do an entire memorized rendition of “I Want It That Way” at the drop of a hat…*sigh*
PPS: I’ll be going after ALL things “cake” tomorrow, and NOT exercising, and NOT feeling bad about it
PPPS: I have every intention of continuing my ass-kicking ways, so thanks for the encouragement! And overall, thanks for your loyal-presence over here, which you could now say is “8-months-strong”…I dig it
glassowater: ahh yes, the pretentious coffee/cafe culture…I will tell you one thing, when I actually have time to sit in a cafe and not rush out, it is either with a book, or with friends…both options being very fitting for the intended atmosphere…no feverishness for me!!
PS: thank you, I’m glad my writing is doin’ it for you at the moment, and THANK YOU for the early Birthday greeting…I have a bit more to say on the “birthday aging” topic, but that won’t hit the blogwaves until the stroke of midnight
….
PS: good luck with South Biatch, and I already had my birthday bash early; in other words I already drank more and puked more than I would ever like to again…so for tomorrow, I’ll just stick to the cake
If gaudy jewelry is the new fashion, you’ll want to get at the lead of the trend instead of the tail-end.
Forget brooches, they’re so “this week”… shoot for something chintzier. Maybe a hang a Fabergé Egg around your neck, or save yourself the time and effort by simply bringing sexy back with a Burger King crown.
I Love You too! =)
When you go fishing, you use a shiny lure to attract the fish – so this whole broach thing makes perfect sense!
LURE ‘UM in with your dreamy broaches Romi!
Romi– maybe a subtle brooch like this one would do the trick:
http://tinyurl.com/65tbkp
Be sure to wear it open.
Ooops! Ignore that link. Try this one.
http://www.primegallery.ca/dynamic/artwork_display.asp?ArtworkID=1171
Adam: A faberge egg??? HAHAHA…somehow I feel like only you could have come up with that
Daddy Dan: I’m glad to hear that
Lumpy: That’s what I’m going for; blind ‘em with the sheen of the broach, and then lure ‘em right into my lair
Moonbeam: WHAT!?!?! HAHAHAHA…did you see that the broach you highlighted retails for $750? But I love in the picture that the old-fashioned chick is still wearing her “proper-hat” as she’s “getting busy”, LOL..
OMG! I just opened Moonbeam’s link. That is hysterical! hahahaha
[...] and just haven’t had time, and I apologize for this. The whole thing started with post by Romi, that hilarious cutie from Canada who is on a quest for true love and wondered if a wearing a [...]