Show Me Your “Goods”!

I was sitting in Starbucks this morning when a middle-aged man walked in. He took a seat across from me, and so began my hormonally-charged observations…

…His face was okay (i.e. free of deformities/extra eyes), but that wasn’t enough to go on.

I needed to examine his body. This was not an easy task, considering he was cloaked in a loose-fitting dress shirt, loose-fitting trousers and a bulky blazer. I didn’t understand all the excess; like how was I supposed to judge his “chisel factor” when he was wearing enough square-feet of textile to clothe a small country’s children?

And that’s when I had a realization:

-Men aren’t pressured enough into showing their bodies in public.

Take the Starbucks-Man for example. In his big bulky suit, I had zero sense of his “firmness of bottom”, “bicep-girth”, or “package-significance”. All I could really see was that he had a fondness for embroidered ties that looked like they were sewn from the scraps of an Arabian mogul’s drape collection. And on that note: what on earth is the point of a tie? A tie is the #1 piece of clothing that has absolutely no purpose, so why are men allowed to wear them?

Women on the other hand wear clothes with a focused purpose; we take great care to assign our clothing important jobs: the low-cut tops make our boobs look bigger, the special undies make our bum look curvier, and the skirts show the world that we have legs (and aren’t afraid to use them). Of course it’s not “required” for chicks to objectify themselves like slabs of meat in the butcher’s store-front window, but when searching for a man, whoring self-promotion is highly recommended.

So back to the Starbucks man (or any man for that matter): I really believe that men should start assigning “jobs” to their clothing. Once this is complete, the women of the world will be able to judge them accordingly!

So listen up men: official clothing choices will remain in your discretion, but if you’re short on ideas, how about some super-tight-pants for a start? Bicycle shorts are a viable option for Summer, but whatever you choose, make it tight, so we can rate your bum (and package) in one quick shot.

And if tight pants aren’t your thing, how about some ultra low-rise jeans? That way you can tease us chicks with just the right amount of “ball cleavage” (assuming it’s landscaped of course). I know this seems like a shocking notion, but it illustrates my point: men have been covering up for way too long, while women have been putting on the racy show.

Now does it have to be “ball-cleave”? Maybe…maybe not, but it’s time for the men to show some “bod”.

So what do you say guys? Let’s start to see a little more of “you”…