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Attack of the Slutty Sandals!

May 11, 2008

My Sexy Ass BootsI hate my feet, I hate your feet, and I probably hate the feet of an innocent child.

Despite my displeasure for the five-toed demons, I live in a world of seasons, so I can’t always hide in layers of poorly-stitched animal skin (faux animal skin, of course…I’m not even sure if that matters, since I feast on slaughtered animals from time to time, but anyhoo, another discussion for another day…).  And in case you were wondering, yes, those would be my quarantined feet in the pictures, circa February/March 2008.

My extreme aversion to all things “feet” begs the obvious question:

-What’s the deal chickadee?  Are you rockin’ some hideous feet?

In my humble opinion, yes, they are definitely hideous (so much so that I won’t dare to post them here), but relatively speaking…who knows?  I mean I don’t have any fungus (at least not on my feet), but with my long droopy toes and “size 9″ measurements, perhaps my feet are…borderline “mannish”?

And then there’s the pesky “stink factor”.  As far as that’s concerned…well let’s just say that after a long day’s work, my feet don’t exactly drip the elixir of a thousand roses, okay? 

In my defense though, the foot-stink is a hell of a lot less pungent than ten years prior.  Like I can still remember the nacho-stench that characterized my teenage “foot years” (by the way, did everyone experience uncharted levels of stinkiness in their teenage years (both in feet and body), or was it only me?).

So here I am, with my slightly mannish, circumstantially smelly feet, faced with another Summer of having to submit to (kill me now, kill me now) “sandals”. 

Sandals and flip-flops pretty much piss me off.  I just can’t see how it’s socially acceptable to air out your feet like that.  Back to my fungus-reference, our feet could be crawling with numerous diseases, and yet it’s okay to release our hazardous foot-bacteria in the atmosphere?  If I were President or Tyrant or Czar, I would demand that everyone’s feet be wrapped up in reinforced rubber, from mid-calf to toe.

As it is, world domination eludes me, so maybe I should buy some frickin’ sandals (I could always keep up with the boots all summer, but my wavery self-esteem would prefer to be “socially acceptable”).

I’ve already made a couple of attempts to “sandal browse”, and on both occasions I left the store short-of-breath/searching for a giant donut.

Slutty Sandals Exhibit AThe source of my anxiety is directly related to the wide assortment of this year’s “‘Ho-bag” sandals (note: all of these images are pulled from 2008 collections).  Now maybe I’m not in the fashion “loop”, but were sandals always so slutty?  ‘Cause last year I remember that sensible-flats were the talk of the town, making it a whole lot easier to remain inconspicuous.  But now, the complicated straps, the gaudy sheen, the mammoth heels…it all seems very uncomfortable (and at 5′ 7″, I’ve never felt the need for “heightening”).

And so we arrive at my Catch-22:

-Am I more concerned with comfort, or looking sexy? Slutty Sandal Exhibit B

Well for someone who’s desperate to find herself a man, perhaps I should be erring on the side of “sexy”.  In the end it’s even more than just looking sexy, since several men openly admit to a drooly foot-fetish (to the extent of feverishly humping well-adorned feet in public (seriously it happens, I’ve seen it with my own tainted eyes…)). 

Slutty Sandal Exhibit CWell “attention whore” that I am, it is not enough to quietly observe as the “Foot-Feeding Frenzy” ensues, so maybe it’s time for my first pair of strappy sandals.

If I do indeed partake in this inevitable discomfort, I only ask one thing of my future boyfriend:Man In Flip Flops---insert projectile vomit please don’t ever, ever EVER wear man-sandals (or any foot-exposing shoes, up to and including Crocs (ugh…)).  I mean I know that guys get sweaty and like to release their feet on those humid days, but the gross-out factor is far too much for me to handle. 

Seriously, what’s grosser than hairy man-feet?  A baboon’s reddish ass?  An elephant’s wrinkly balls?  Perhaps, but not a lot else…

36 comments

  1. I too hate my feet and have VERY specific sandal requirements that must be met before a purchase is made. They must cover my fourth toe. I hate my fourth toe. It has a freckle on it and it isn’t straight. It gets shunned.
    I was also in ballet for 13 years, so I’m rocking some nice dancer feet.
    I don’t know why it is girls wear sandals that come with 13 feet of ‘strap’. I know it’s all cool to be ‘strappy sandaled up’, but come the fuck on! You’re only asking to fall down in the middle of the street, at which point I will point and laugh.
    Combat boots year round!


  2. Oh.My.Gawd. I just had a blind date with a foot-fetish-man. Gah! He even had the nerve to ask if I happened to have a pair of stilettos in my car. Eek. I wanted to grab a foot condom just to be safe.

    If I were you I would start off with something mildly strappy – after all, you don’t want strangers lickin’ your feet.


  3. I love boots! Last summer was the first year I tried flip flops since I was a kid and was the first time I did not get blisters from them. I don’t mind sandals on women (I’m a size 5-1/2 or 6, depending), but I don’t like to see them on men. I do have a friend who I think has perfect sandal-model type “sexy” feet. I swear, every pair of sandals look awesome on her. Yeah, I hate her. ;)


  4. Living in SoCal, sandals and flip-flops are required attire…and not just at weddings, proms and funerals.

    I’m not quite a “foot” guy, but I love a well-turned ankle.

    Other footwear I find adorable…boots with skirts (sexy and cosmopolitan), canvas white sneakers with blue jeans (irresistibly adorable)…uh…let me clarify…I find these sexy and adorable on chicks


  5. Feet are just gross. They can never be “pretty”, no matter how much polish and/or exfoliating you do.
    And uh, I wear a 9 too. And they’re not mannish.


  6. Feet are not a thing I look for in a woman, I could care less really. And whats wrong with a guy wearing sandals? I have an excellent, comfortable set of birkenstocks that I wear when the weather is nice.


  7. Sandal wearing man in the house. :mrgreen: Fear me and my man-tail. :P I totally don’t get the whole foot fetish thing, so I don’t get the whole ugly/sexy feet thing either. I don’t care what women wear on their feet, as long as it doesn’t give off a homeless appearance, I’m happy. :) I say go for a comfortable medium, house slippers, something to accentuate your giant foot size. ;) Life give you lemons, make lemonade. Life give you big feet, be a Sasquatch or a Windigo. :P


  8. A man with a ponytail drank champagne from my silhetto once… does THAT work for ya Romi-Roo?! (It’s true, I swear!)
    I LOVE feet. I’m a masseus and feet are a favourite for me – I’d give your size nines some luvin’ if you let me! :)


  9. I personally have the cutest feet around so I am perplexed because I simply can’t feel your pain, however I can relate to the should I be sexy or comfortable question, and if you look, which I know might be hard for you, you may be able to find a comfortable and sexy shoe that accentuates your size 9’s! Good Luck!


  10. “Sandals and flip-flops pretty much piss me off. I just can’t see how it’s socially acceptable to air out your feet like that.”

    Oh Romi… for a female to say that, I never thought I’d live to see the day. I think I just came. And it felt good.

    I don’t mind flip-flops and such on chicks but HATE them on dudes. Dude feet are gross compared to lady feet.


  11. I buy two dollar flip flops at the vague Asian place up the street, and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do about it. I do love shoes, I LOOOOOVE them. But I am not paying forty fucking dollars for a skinny belt attached to a flip flop that expects me to wrap it around my leg toga style and bare all. No. No, no, no. Also, I think flats are permanently in style now, so long as you can rock that indie bohemian look. And anybody can, all you have to do is look at everyone else like their choice in music isn’t up to par :P

    P.S. Ardenes has fab flats for $5. The don’t always carry a size 9, but always check because once in a while they do, and its like winning the shoe lottery.


  12. The best way to rid yourself of any phobia is to immerse yourself in it. Go out and get your toesuck on. It should be good for whatever ails you. ;)


  13. Slutty sandals, mhh, is summer here already?


  14. PEOPLE! Stop trashing the FEET! They are the part of us that is truly grounded. Where the rubber meets the road, in automotive parlance.

    Feet may not be as beautiful as other body parts, but they are a truly elemental equalizer. It is harder to appreciate the rough and rugged parts of ourselves, but it is well worth the trouble. And NO I’m not talking about sucking toes! YUK x 1000!

    I know you get this Romi, since you have written so eloquently about other unpleasant personal issues. So don’t sweat your size 9 puppies. There are people with feet 10,000 times more disgusting than yours. And of course that means that there must also be people with feet 10,000 time nicer than yours, BUT THEY’RE STILL FEET!(not elephant balls) :D


  15. I don’t mind my feet but I hate everyone else’s. Most people who get pedicures care about their feet and they take good care of them, but sometimes they walk in off the street with their nastiness and it’s hard to take (I used to work in a salon/spa). This one time, I had to give a pedicure to woman whose pig hooves so terrified me I mixed about a half-cup of Clorox in with her foot bath. After she’d been soaking for like 10 minutes she said, “Wow, my feet are REALLY itching.” I told her she obviously must have some sort of infection and by state law I couldn’t continue to work on her. :)


  16. Alright Romes, let me fill you in on a little secret. You live in the arctic. You can wear shoes all year long and nobody will notice. Down here it’s already getting hot as shit. By the time July hits, every spare inch of clothing that isn’t necessary for survival/law will be shed in favor of not sweating to death. Sandals are the shit. And here’s a good way to look at it: the more your feet can breathe, the less they get all soaked in sweat and end up stinkin. Sandals = better foot hygiene. Deal with it.

    And don’t hook up with any foot fetish guys, that’s just weird. Stick with the normal guys like me who dig normal shit like midgets and muffin tops.


  17. Ew sweaty feet! My high school shoes were pretty gross in the smell area. Wearing teh same shoes 5 days a week for 3 years until they fell to peices pretty much doesn’t do any one any favors.


  18. I adore flip-flops and sandals. I even like strappy ones, though never in stilleto height.

    I don’t like sweaty feet though. Jelly shoes = sweaty feet.


  19. Oh Romi, set your feet free! Go ahead, I give you permission! :-)


  20. I am actually losing weight in my feet. I am a sandal person. I wear them year round (with socks in the winter). I can’t stand things on my feet and would go barefoot all the time if I could get away with it. But I get to many splinters from my crappy wooden kitchen floor. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to have my kids pull splinters out of my feet. I even had a nail go through my foot last year so there’s something to say about shoes. In the winter when it is cold I will wear socks to bed and in the morning find them on the floor and don’t remember taking them off.


  21. you would get along real good with amputees.


  22. My toes must have their wiggle room. I am a barefoot kind of girl. I am sitting in my fancy-smancy office in my bare feet. I only put on shoes to go to the store or in a public restroom… gag.


  23. BFF!!!

    I feel the same, i have long monkey toes, and they stink after work too. not to mention, on my 5’1″ (hot ass)frame, my 8 1/2’s almost require their own zip code. i used to be phobic of open toed shoes, and the ridicule that surely surrounded them. but a few years ago, i said “fuck it” and got some nike flip flops. they are the best shoes EVER and i would wear them in the winter if i could. go buy some. seriously the best $20 you’ll ever spend.

    sidenote: i got mine in basic black and white, cuz that’s how i roll, but they come in many fashionable colors!!

    sidenote to Nike : you can make my check out to Regina… ah, never mind.


  24. Talea: I think it’s important to shun any body parts that deserve to be shunned due to their lack of greatness; for example my left ear sticks out a bit more than my right one, so if I ever wear ponytails in public, it is mandatory to have wisps of hair out and about on each side, to partially camouflage the dumbo-ear without making it look like I’m trying to (hence wisps on BOTH sides)…a.k.a.: SHUN!

    2lazydogs: you heard it here first people: “foot condom”!!!…LMAO…what a wonderful term…and what exactly would that be made of..a ziploc bag?

    PS: I do not want any foot-lickage, and I will try my best to work up to “mildly strappy”

    teeni: aren’t boots so fun? for some reason when I’m rockin’ the boots-look I feel like I can take on the world, you know? :-)

    PS: I don’t know your friend but I hate her ;-)

    Nigel: “I’m not quite a “foot” guy, but I love a well-turned ankle.”….I don’t know why but that makes me laugh :-)

    PS: THANKS for the clarification

    Red: yay, we’re foot-size twins, and yes, they are gross indeed…let’s focus on hands, they can be pretty…or tits and ass, whatever.

    Kerplar: good for you and your birkenstocks, and it’s just a personal preference in terms of finding man-feet gross, maybe yours are sexa-licious, in which case, rock it, just don’t show up in my city :-) (j/k )

    Peter: your post was peppered with humour and insults all at once, so I don’t know whether to hate you or love you right now!!!…damn you for messing with my feeble heart…

    Simonne: I sit here, still in shock from your latest comment…no..no NO drinking from a shoe…it musn’t happen ever!!!!

    PS: I can’t even imagine what you’ll ever say in the future to out-do this comment

    PPS: because I think you’re cool, MAYBE I’d let you give my size 9’s some lovin’, but I’d still feel wrong and ashamed about it, hahaha :-)

    dontdatethatdude: thanks for wishing me luck on my sandal-quest, and also thanks for making me moderately dislike you for having awesome feet…lol..

    bronson: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA………I never thought that THIS would be the line from my blog that would put you over the edge, but hey I’ll take it :-)

    greenie: I am ALL about illegitimately rockin’ the bohemian look, so I will cling to my flats for as long as I can :-)

    PS: I haven’t hit the Ardene lottery yet, but I def pop in every now and then to check…one of these days…


  25. purefnevyl: I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that nasty NASTY term that for some reason sounds like what it would feel/taste like….ughhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

    duffboy: summer is around the corner, and the whores are feverishly lined up at the starting gate (so why am I still in the locker room???….)

    David: it has happened a few times before, and this was another one of those times where I was reading your “blog dad” advice and not processing any of it because…I don’t wanna!!!!! Haha, so take THAT!!! :-)

    PS: thanks for reminding me of the 10,000 strong who have hotter feet than me…thanks.

    Wendy: first of all, awesome but GROSS story…secondly: holy shit you rubbed people’s nasty-ass feet for a job? PLEASE tell me they paid you like $500,000, ’cause anything less would’ve been unsatisfactory!!!

    Josh: gotta love it when your American ignorance swoops in all arrogant-like….ANYHOO, thanks for giving me the Canadian weather report from down there, and ya, how did I forget how cold it is up here right now, and how cold it will remain from June-August? Speaking of which, I better sharpen up my ice-skates so I can glide into work tomorrow, and oh yeah, tonight it’s MY turn to clean the igloo, but not before I slice up the seal that I hunted for tonight’s dinner.

    Right…so what was I saying?

    Oh yeah, “sandals=better foot hygiene” you say…yeah, that’s frickin’ cool for the “sandal-wearer”, but for the “sandal-observer”(i.e. me), it’s one layer closer to a stranger’s grime, stench, calluses, and toe-jam…

    PS: the second I meet a normal guy who likes midgets and muffin-tops, this tired single-life is OVER!!! :-)

    leafprobably: OMG!!! I also had the same pair of sneaks everyday for 3 years in high school…those things were undisputedly toxic by the end…

    Allison:
    re: the jelly shoes: I KNOW! And the fact that they are clear/sometimes glittery only accentuates the sweat! A terrible work of shoe-artistry!!! (the term “artistry” used loosely of course )

    javaqueen: stop trying to corrupt me!!! Hahaha..

    joanharvest: hahaha, you’re a sleep-sock-remover! I wonder what it must be like with you sleep-tossing the socks off, you should videotape it sometime :-)

    aniche: thanks for pointing me out to a new set of prospects :-)

    betme: I feel like I need a haz-mat suit for those frickin’ public bathrooms!!! Ugh…

    BFF: hahahaha…I CAN’T believe we both have long monkey-toes, were we sisters from another mother?

    PS: Nike needs to totally send you a cheque…if they make it out to “awesome tiny whore” it’ll end up right in your bank account


  26. I’m laughing my ass off over this post and these comments! This is absolutely hilarious!

    Yeah, I totally don’t understand those sandals with all the long straps. I mean, I’m a guy & all, so I guess I can’t be expected to understand these things. But I’ve always associated straps & laces with the purpose of keeping shoes on; but these new sandals don’t seem to care about that. On the bright side, if the sandal comes off, it will still be tethered to your knee.


  27. Romi, I too hate feet! We have so much in common….

    But talking on your blog about your stinking feet doesn’t seem like a good idea. What if your potential “dream man” is reading this!


  28. […] other day Romi wrote another hilarious post entitled, “Attack of the Slutty Sandals“, at which time she asked the question, and I’m not quoting simply interpreting, should […]


  29. i stopped reading immediately after you said you hate my feet :/


  30. ohhh Romi.

    First off…10 years ago? IT WAS JUST YOU.
    Second? Style over comfort 100% of the time. (i.e “I don’t care if that shirt is too tight, your tits look great in it.”)

    Finally, I’m doubting many outside close friends and family have witnessed your dogs, but if the arm/wrist sightings are any indication…I have a pretty good idea.


  31. that wink was inadvertent. f’ing html…


  32. Don’t be ridiculous Romi. Everyone knows Women don’t hunt seals in Canada. The men do.


  33. Adam: there’s nothing more fashionable “unannoying” than a tethered sandal dangling off your leg ;-)

    Daddy Dan: I expect to find a man who loves me for ME, flowered feet or stinky feet (you don’t think that’s asking too much is it…???)

    mittins: I applaud you sticking to your guns and not reading the rest of my post ;-)

    Andy: you can use the arms/wrists as a good indicator for the lower extremities :-)

    PS: why am I not surprised that you’re a style vs. comfort type of guy when it comes to your ladies? ;-)

    Josh: dude, have you forgotten that I’m single over here? In other words I hunt my own effin’ seal, that is until I find a man who’ll do it for me ;-)


  34. The “nacho-stench” of teenage feet – HILARIOUS. That made me laugh hard Romi.


  35. The bane of my existence? That would be MANDALS.

    That’s right, MAN sanDALS.

    Living in SE North Carolina [aka near all kinds of water], I see tons of them. Mainly on tourists who decide black socks complete the look.

    You can pretty much tell the locals by the fact that they wear flip-flops vs. mandals.


  36. abarclay: isn’t it sad when a wonderful pure thing like a pile of nachos is negatively associated with foot-odour? It’s a big blow for nachos overall, that’s for sure…

    thefreshcracker: ugh, your mention of MANDALS (LOL) was bad enough, but the added pair of black socks and the additional face of a dumb-tourist? Not very appetizing….



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