I Don’t Wear The Pants
July 9, 2008
See these pants?
See ‘em?
Well then I ask you…why?
I promise not to hate on our cartoon-model friend…she actually looks pretty good, but can anybody in “human-world” pull it off?
Why yes!
Take this girl over here for example. She looks pretty fab in those up-the-arse pants,
so I guess that explains why these high-waisted pants are all the rage.
But wait: how many girls in the world look like her? Well…considering she lost almost all of her flesh in a science experiment gone wrong (what else could it have been? the barfy-barf?), I’m gonna say not too many.
So what’s the problem?
Am I jealous because I never got to lose any flesh to Science? Or because I have a big butt “and I just can’t lie”?
I’m not jealous at all, but the “businesswoman” in me is having a conniption…
…I’m just wondering…why would the fashion world support a trend that can only be adopted by a tiny percent of women? That’s like making ”half sunglasses” for one-eyed pirate folk…it’s just not a broad enough market.
In fact…the more that I ponder this obvious conflict with profit-maximization, the more and more baffled I get.
Let’s think about this for a minute:
-Even if the profit margin on each pair of high-waisted pants is strong, (owing to the cheap labour provided by my pant-making nephews and nieces in India (by the way kids, where’s Auntie Romi’s cut?)), you’re cutting out 99.9% of women (you know, the ones who have all their flesh still attached).
So really, no matter how much profit-per-pant you can earn, you’ll never achieve “billionaire status”.
That’s poppycock.
But what about a mass-market offering at a tidy profit?
I’m thinking of a loose sack, potentially made from potato-bag material. We could dress it up with sequins, brightly coloured dyes, maybe some yarn…lots of options. Not only would my loose-sack be breathable, but it would never crawl up your ass like those high-waisted pants (which by the way will block all your farts and send them back up the chute…talk about a health risk).
Profit-wise, I would definitely utilize the impeccable skills and low-cost labour of the kiddie-variety.
And the best part is…one-size fits all!
So let me see if I’ve got this right:
-clothing for everyone, AND a profit…smells like a billion-dollar idea!
Wow, somewhere out there my business professor is releasing an orgasmic sigh for a teaching job well done (luckily I never had to offer my body in exchange for his wisdom (not that I wouldn’t have done him it, but his boobs were bigger than mine, and that’s no good for the ego…)
Okay then, who wants a piece of my latest venture?
Call me.
Oh Romi, how we love you! So do tights block your farts and [ahem] ’send them back up the chute’ as you so eloquently put it? I guess not. But I’m with you all the way on this one, and I actually think the flesh-deprived model doesn’t look any good in them either. Can I be a loose-sack model for your new venture? Huh, huh? Please?!
I think those pants are hideous. The cartoon lady looks like she’s wearing an apron if you look at it quickly, which means she’s giving off the “i’m a servant” vibe. The real model does look like she spent some time doing the barfy-barf, and she can go ahead and lick my elbow. I hate trends in pant cuts, sheesh I am just NOW being able to find SHIRTS that actually have an ENTIRE sleeve, instead of a half-sleeve or a quarter-sleeve or whatever the feck it was for the longest time. Can I please, please still buy pants that don’t go up to my effin’ neck? I want in on the potato sack venture.
Now, I actually like those pants. I’ve been thinking of trying to find a pair, cuz they’d keep all the pooch contained and there’d be no spillage. That idea appeals to me on every level.
However, then you mentioned the potato sack and I am ALL over that. Fuck fashion. Potato sacks hide all sorts of evils. And decorating with sequins are fun!
Where’s my Bedazzler?!
Woops. Decorating with sequins IS fun. Proper english, Talea.
I wouldn’t even want a girl who looks like that. She looks like she just got out of a Nazi concentration camp. Although, if she were wearing a potato sack I don’t know how into her I’d be either. I say just go naked.
Hmmm, you are right, the high-waist pants are not that fashionable (I think they’ve become pretty outdated by now anyway..) but what about the low-waist? Can’t we have a compromise?
For potato’s sake; potato sacks won’t do! We need to see youse terrains!
I always thought those were tattoos on the lower back of the low-waist pants wearing girls, but now I am thinking they are maybe residues from the exhaust sent through the crack between the buttocks. Thanks for the enlightenment!
Good subject to ponder.,,,,,,,,,,
Cheer up, Romi! It’s all good about that big ass of yours…most guys get “sprung” with a round thing in their face. Some guys even wind up “beggin’ for a piece of that bubble.” You’ll find one soon, I know it!
Potato sacks are a good option: they’re lightweight and breathable, but enough to keep you warm as well. Just change the material used for the thread, because after all, we don’t want the person wearing it to look as if she has a bad bout of dermatitis after
I like the sack idea but please make it out of a softer material. I have sensitive skin. I think I’ll just keep my jeans and t-shirts. No one would recognize me in anything else. My daughter is very stylish but I haven’t seen her wearing crawl up your ass pants or high top pants or whatever they are called. That human model should be in a hospital somewhere for anorexics. I don’t know that she even looks human. Her arms are a little monkey like. She may have not quite evolved.
Pardon me for being blunt, but if high waists turned me on, I’d be fucking 80-year-old men.
And don’t get me started on anorexic models. Bleagh.
Where did you find this heroine infected model? I am thinking Taoist BIker found this picture at his office when he was downloading porn and sent it to you.
And those are ugly pants…
HEY!
I think you’re missing the point of fact that women everywhere, undoubtedly see these pants, and in a fit of jealousy, go purchase a pair for themselves (in whatever denomination they require) and hang them in their closest, never to be worn again.
So, they probably still sell.
But I don’t think she looks good at all.
They can get away with making pants for teeny tiny skinny girls with very little flesh because there are a lot of non teeny tiny girls who are pretty sure that they can get away with the trend.
I think your business plan is awesome. I’ll take my sack trimmed with feathers, and covered in sequins and glitter swirls – because I’m all class.
Whoah! Stop the gravy train all you fashion fairies! For the millionth-ish time, skinny chicks are not hot. NOT hot. As in, the opposite of attractive. More like boys, which are also the opposite of attractive. I don’t even like to think of it as junk in the trunk, I like to think of it as treasure in the trunk. And as far as waist lines go, clearly a gay man designed the nipple high waist. I’m more of a how low can you go fellow. (aka: hetero) If someone designs a waist line that proudly displays the landing strip and five inches of rear cleavage, that’s a fashion we need. Go for your sequins, go for your yarn, (in fact, yarn is kind of attractive if applied sparingly) go for your real woman figure market, but don’t hide those beautiful Rubenesque figures with sack cloth and tent canvas.
You know what, I would like to revise my previous statement about fashion models. If it convinces real women to dress in outlandishly tight clothes made for skeletal women, then I say go for it. The more skin and camel toe I get to ogle, the happier I am. And what is with women thinking that models are what they should shoot for? Romes, I’ve said it before, and I’m saying it now: You are hot. Not just a little hot, but very attractive. As you know I’m a taken man who is happy as hell with his non-skinny-or-gross woman,
but in my fantasy land, I am a playboy in Toronto who slums it with my little brown blogger flame, and is estranging himself from his diamond mogul family by soiling their uber-pure backwoods American mutt bloodline by popping out mixed babies who drink curry milk and have great asses which they got from their mother, and of course, our love babies never poop, cause we would be that awesome. (also might be partly why they are brown, but we’ll let the doctors deal with that while we sip champagne, feast on condor egg omelette’s, and hurl cutlery at the skinny, starving, fashion model peasants below us)
(also just to warn you, uh, Em is there too, so you’ll have to share your omelette. Not cause I don’t have the money in fantasy land, just cause I think it would be hot for you two to feed each other. And we’ll go ahead and switch that omelette to chocolate covered strawberries, cause this might go somewhere, and I don’t want you two having egg breath)
they just make me think of maternity pants.
Simonne: great question. Tights are actually a very stretchy and thin material, so the farts can push through those, which is a relief for the chute, to be sure
PS: I think as part of the marketing campaign, I’ll do a 12-month loose-sack calendar of different loose-sack styles…you can be whichever month you wish
maleesha: yes, it’s been a LONG while since long sleeves have been readily available on the market for chick-wear, and you’re right, at first glance I could see the apron-association…hmm..I don’t think I like that.
PS: I’ll sign you up for the venture, and ya, I don’t see how pants up to the neck could be a good thing for anyone.
talea: what the fuck? You like those pants? Don’t be fooled though, ’cause while they suggest the promise of hiding any evidence of “pouchy” stuff, it will actually look more prominent (I’ve seen evidence of this with my own two eyes…). BUYER BEWARE.
PS: holy crap, how much fun would it be to bedazzle the hell out of those sacks? And with some wine? Hahaha
hierophant: I don’t know how it’ll be if I start doing things like going to work naked…then again maybe I’ll get a promotion…hmm..I’ll consider everyday nakedness. Thank you.
dubaijazz: hahahaha…I’m pretty sure those tattoos on the lower-backs are tramp-stamps (generalization), but wow, the “exhaust sent through the crack between the buttocks”!?!?!? Haha, I love that
kaylee: it sure is…ponder away, and when you’re finished, let me know if you want a potato-sack outfit
Daddy Dan: “most guys get “sprung” with a round thing in their face. Some guys even wind up “beggin’ for a piece of that bubble.”…WHAT!??!! Wow, that is a hell of a comment, I will try to remember how great my “bubble” is lol…and cheer up? But I’m already cheery dear! I just get pissed off when business endeavours aren’t earning their full potential.
Virgilius: ah, you’re right, we’ll have to make some modifications to the potato-sack raw material to make it suitable for human wear; thanks for the tip
joanharvest: I’m glad to hear your lovely daughter hasn’t been wearing “up the arse” pants, and WOW, hahaha…ya, with those free-swingin’ arms that model does look a little unevolved
Taoist: are you kidding? I love bluntness, and that is perhaps the comment of the day, hahaha
morethananelectrician: HAHAHA…I love how you just ripped on Taoist, that one made me laugh out loud , and on the subject of porn (lol): can you BELIEVE that there are actually people who download porn at work?!!? They do realize that there’s an IT department right?…right???
Dobe: woah, that is quite the statement. Well listen, as far as I’m concerned, not only do I not have the money to buy shit I know I’m never gonna wear, but those pants are also fucking hideous, so putting down money for them would seem rather idiotic on my part…hence, I will not be contributing to high-waist-pant sales…as for the rest of the women of the world, I hope they are not that foolish with their money (hahaha…suuuureee
)
leaf: even for girls who DID want to get away with this when they shouldn’t, how the HELL would they hoist those pants over their normal-sized waists? Maybe it’s one of those things that defies Physics…
Josh: oh wow…hahaha…I can always count on you to have something to say
WELL:
-I think you are okay here, ’cause the general consensus on this thread seems to be that stick-like chicks with dangly monkey-arms (thanks Joan, haha
) are not attractive
-Secondly, I will process your feedback on not letting the sack hide the womanly-figures…I still say one-size-fits all but we can always include removeable flaps and such.
-Thirdly, I am not a horny man, so I have no reason to support a city full of women wearing clothing that so obviously wasn’t made for their size…that’s fucking ridiculous. Like I mean…it IS possible to wear clothing that is sexy and revealing without telling the world that you bought it in the “tweens” section…delusional whores (lol, I’m on a tear right now, so I’m gonna go with it
)
-Fourthly, dude..thanks. And here’s the thing: after many “wtf with my reflection? in the mirror?” moments on the blog, I can tell you that I am more and more used to the idea of being alright looking. In fact I don’t think I was beating up on myself anywhere on this post; I was simply beating up on business acumen gone wrong…there’s just not enough skinny-monkey-arm-tiny-waist chicks in this world to justify mass-producing these horrific pants
-Fifthly, HAHAHAHA…wow, it would be SO cool if you were a playboy in Toronto and everyone got a piece! (do you think Talea would want a piece too? LOL
)
-And finally, if Em is cool with it…umm ya we could share that omelette
PS: LMAO off at our awesome mixed babies who never poop and our incidentally also brown, hahaha
Amy: hey, thanks for the visit
, and ya, YA, they look like maternity pants…so I wonder again why they are “in vogue”??? Ugh…
Dear Miss Romi,
Damn…got over here too late to comment and be part of your mass response.
Not that I have an opinion on this…you know I think you are a goddess even if you aren’t wearing any high-waisted pants at all!
But what I really wanted to tell you was this…someone “googled” the words “sex romi”…and they ended up on my site.
How the hell did that happen?
I am not making that up.
I’d email you the screenshot from my sitemeter if I could…
Oh…one more thing… Whoever did it was from Slovenia. Who did you boink in Nova Gorica?
Oh…there are many girls who look like her. You just have to look for them in poverty stricken areas where food and good-nutrition are scarce if not absent. Perhaps they are working next to your pant-making nephews and nieces in India.
Good post…your ranting is clever and insightful. I enjoyed reading!
At least the high waisted look is better than the muffin top, whale tail look.
I will say that I HAVE seen someone who’d fit into those pants in a size 1 or 0 – a ridiculously stick-thin girl I went to high school with. A guy I barely even knew and I came out of class once and got behind her walking down the hall. I shit you not, she was wearing high-waisted jeans (this would have been 1990 or so, so they were out there) that, I shit you not, I might have had trouble fitting my arms into because they were so tiny…and the ass of the jeans was still hanging down because she had nothing back there to fill it.
I looked at the guy, he looked at me, we looked back at her ass, and we both busted out laughing.
Hell yes you can be too thin. A
nd as an aside, you SHOULD be more and more comfortable that you’re alright looking. ‘Cuz I see your pics and say “All right!”
Yes Romi, in my fantasy land, where I am a playboy in Toronto, everyone gets a slice. And not only is Talea there, she is unable to make her angry face, which if you have not witnessed, is indescribably scary. Seriously, my soul cried for a bit when she showed it to me. Em doesn’t mind if I’m a whore in fantasy land, as long as I’m not a whore in reality land. Which seems a bit unfair due to her closet lesbian love fest with Talea. I’m almost positively sure that exists. She denies it. Whatever.
By the way if you aren’t skeeved out by my pervy-ness already, your mean looking sister is there in fantasy land too. Bwahahahahahahahaha!
I believe that we should invest in some sorta recyclable g-string. Here me out, we could save the planet, while also providing but-cheeks the comfort and sexiness they deserve (unless men are wearing them, that’s just wrong). May your quest for child labor, fashion statements and big profits be the absolut bomb!
LMFAO, Josh you killed me with the ‘indescribably scary face that made your soul cry’ bit.
Romi may have seen my face when she was over at my place, if I just let my face relax, it apparently goes to default demon mode.
There’s no closet lesbian relationship. I’m not certain how many times we have to tell you this. But you believe what you want, I think it’s hilarious.
Oh yeah, Romi, sorry for turning your comments section into a conversation that has little to do with you. Except for sharing omelettes. And wine.
Another brilliant post!
Back in my hotel career, we had a frequent guest who would cut holes in our pillowcases & wear them as night gowns. She was freakishly rich, and also very short, which is probably why she got away with it. Nevertheless, it leads me to believe that your potato-sack line would go far.
But in regard to your confusion over the profit margin for these ridiculously cut clothes: I firmly believe that most ladies’ clothing designers have decided to forgo the meager profits from selling their clothes item by item and have instead subsidized their income by contracting royalties from cosmetic surgeons, fitness centers and weight-loss programs. They simply design their clothes for Tinkerbell, throwing out their dressmaking mannequins and replacing them with more petite car antennas, and wait for the hordes to try and assimilate.
I think it’s generally believed that, even though it is evident from your responses so far that most guys don’t go for the Auschwitz look, many women still believe that even a pound heavier would be considered obese.
Scary. Those pants are horrible and they look like they came straight from the 80’s. Everytime I see a woman post about “fashion” I am glad to be a man.
They even make “high-waisted shorts” now as if the pants one wasn’t bad and exclusive enough. I am, however, thinking of getting some of those maternity designer jeans because it’s the best of both worlds – the top part is loose cotton banding, and then the bottom is sexy jeans. You don’t have to be preg to wear them, right?
Talea: You can deny it till the end of the world, I don’t care. I knowz the truth! And the truth is that You and Em make out every chance you get. Like when you’re hanging out at her place, and y’all get off the couch to “refill you wine glasses”. Yeah right. I know that’s lesbo code for make out and stuff. You both put up a pretty tight front, but you can’t fool me.
Talea: that last comment didn’t make sense without pointing out that when you get off the couch, I can’t see you on the webcam anymore.
I don’t understand those pants either. They remind me of the matchstick pants that I saw in magazines but very few actual women…only higher waisted. They are 6 inches of fabric away from being a jumpsuit (another bad fashion fad).
I honestly feel that one-eyed pirates dont have enough sunglasses to choose from. Sure there’s Kenneth Cole..but no Gucci? Please.
As far as the pants…fashion does not always = stylish. Personally I dont care much for the high waist. They promote camel toe as well as excessive amounts of cartoon female models.
LOL no thank you
Nigel: wtf…”sex romi”??? And NO I did NOT have sexual relations with anyone from Slovenia!
brittanymarie: thanks for stopping by, and I think you’re onto something here; like if my Indian sweat-shop relatives produced high-waisted paints to be worn in their very own neighbourhood, imagine the savings on transportation fuel costs!!!
pure evyl: muffin top and whale-tail? I don’t like the sound of any of that…
Taoist Biker: thanks for the vote of confidence; I try very hard to evoke that reaction whenever I post pictures
As for that stick-girl, I feel really bad that she didn’t have any junk in the back to hold up her pants; she can always borrow some of mine 
Josh: OMG, you did NOT just bring my scary-looking sister into the fantasyland…you sick SICK MAN, I can’t even stand it…ugh….
Josh and Talea: believe me Talea, I enjoy observing your side conversation here
PS: yes, I saw your face relax into demon-mode, and my soul remained in tact. There’s a comforting aspect to your evil Talea
PPS: “refilling wine” as a lesbo code for making out and stuff?? HAHAHAHA…and on that note Talea, didn’t you refill my wine a couple times when I came over? Thanks dude
duffboy: but wait…what do people normally do after wearing a g-string? Throw it away after a single use? Well that’s a waste in itself.
Adam: pillowcase nightgowns??? HAHAHA…I wonder if I can get the rights to that and start a whole new line of clothing
PS: holy crap on the enlightment-front: I didn’t even consider complementary sources of profit…wow, the high-waisted-pant-makers are controlling the world…
Black Coffee & Bourbon: I hear ya man; believe me…a couple nights a week I go to bed hoping that I’ll wake up as a dude…is that weird?
abarclay: until someone tells me that you have to be preggers to wear nursing pads in your bra, I think you’re perfectly okay to wear maternity pants
Allison: ah yuck, matchstick pants…I always associate those pants with girls that have pixie-cuts..and please let’s not talk about jump-suits.
Andy: HEY NOW, Kenneth Cole half-sunglasses come in a lot of sexy frames; it doesn’t have to be Gucci….
kaylee2: alright lady, it’s your call
Another word for high waisted pants? “mom jeans” yep, i said it. and that girl in the pic, well she looks really hungry, and has a man-chest. I don’t look hungry, and i have big round boobies. HA! i love my “voluptuous physique” and i love the fact that i could spell those fancy words.
Sorry, it’s been A LONG DAY.