Redemption For The Ugly…
August 10, 2008
Actual Model Head-Shot
I grew up in a world where being “ugly” was a bad thing, a condition that could only be treated with pushing, mud-slinging, or constant wedgies.
Being on the receiving end of some of this abuse, I always believed there was no silver lining to being “ugly”, and then…today, I found this headline on MSNBC.com:
…uhh…what now?
Let me explain:
-according to this news video/article hosted by “ambassador-for-the-everyman” Al Roker himself (sure Al, that’s a compliment!), being ugly pays!
What we’re talking about is the “Ugly Talent Agency”, which hires “unique characters” for print and other media. This is nothing new, as the London-based agency has been running since 1969.
Recently though, demand for the uggo’s has been through the roof, prompting the creation of a New York branch.
And here’s where my eyes well up with tears and my heart sings regret:
-Why didn’t anyone tell me about this!?!?!??!?!?!
I amassed a huge portfolio of “ugly” in the 20th century: there was my ugly baby phase where I looked “half monkey/half space creature who eats puppies”; the ugly kiddie phase where I tried to distract from my “bowl haircut/Mr. Potatohead nose” with pearls and frilly dresses; and of course my ugly teenage phase, where everything was coming up “moustache/dumbo ears/mangled teeth”.
Don’t believe me? Okay big-shot, feast your eyes on this:
I know you’re thinking what I’m thinking: I could have been the Ugly Agency’s top client! I could have had my own conglomerate by age 18 (like the Olsen Twins)!
And now you might be thinking THIS:
-Well why not submit a current portfolio of “ugly”?
Good idea, except that…a scientific event took place, approximately five years back. Darwin could probably explain it better than I, but let’s just say that “survival of the fittest” instincts kicked in, and I underwent some genetic mutations.
Plain English: my appearance is no longer objectionable to society (as long as I spend an hour getting ready every morning). Whether or not that’s an ego-driven thing to say, I’ll be moving right along…
…So if I’m not ugly enough to apply for the ”Ugly Talent Agency”, and I’m not nearly attractive or barf-focused enough to be a sexy model chick…what am I left with?
Well last time I checked there weren’t any agencies for self-obsessed women who are single-handedly depleting the world’s supply of mascara, so I guess I won’t be making it big.
This categorically sucks, but maybe I can be one of those people who (grudgingly) helps out others.
And how will I do this?
Another Actual Client/Head-Shot
Well I was just perusing the Ugly clientele, and I noticed one section for Men, one for Women, and one for “Specials” (i.e. tattooed people, circus freaks, etc.). To be perfectly honest, 80% of the people on the client list aren’t even actually “ugly”. They’re just…normal looking…or old. This clearly indicates a diluted market of legitimate “uglies”, and more specifically a gaping hole in the market of “18 and unders”.
Of course the “young ‘n gross” segment would have been addressed in the 90’s if I’d submitted my portfolio, but alas it was not to be.
Henceforth, I’ll be starting up my own agency, called ”Ugly Youth Talent”. Not only will I profit heavily from this endeavour (subsequently draping myself in the sort of jewels that are usually reserved for Sultans), but I’ll be helping out the youth that nature forgot.
Let them have what I never had…you know?
You’re welcome Oprah (I don’t know, I feel like she’d be proud of me for this…)
Dude, I kind of had a reverse evolution from yours. I started out really cute and then somewhere around 13 I got ugly as hell. (puberty was rough) And then again somewhere around 20 I evened back out to what I feel is a healthy man-ugly. I wouldn’t want to be a pretty man. Fuck all that metrosexual bull shit. The only reason to be pretty is if you want a man to notice you, and I don’t. I look just good enough to attract women from time to time as needed, and I look plenty gristly enough for people to know I’m not a prissy Nancy boy playing the meat flute in my rainbow speedo.
As for a talent agency for ugly kids, great idea. I wouldn’t mind running a company that helps ugly adults get laid. I think they call them bars.
Some how I thought you were going to go with helping those poor disgusting worms turn into beautiful butterflies. Instead you just want to teach the worms some new tricks.
You go girl. 
Being ugly sucks. i wouldn’t've minded knowing about this before now. At least i could’ve had some money to rub against my ugly which would’ve made me feel a little better.
It’s funny, people’s different perspectives on ugliness. What the media finds ugly is just some dude at a bust stop, the server at the local diner, to the rest of us in Regularlandia.
I agree with your assessment; I looked over those pics on the link above and none of them were really ugly – more like average. Hell, if everybody in America was that “ugly” then I’d never have to flinch when I got on a public bus.
But sometimes I do. “Hi, Mr. Bus Driver, howyadoin’, WHOA holy crap that guy in the third row could scare a buzzard off a gut wagon!”
So it’s as I’ve always suspected! If you are just average in looks you are screwed! No wonder people who weren’t bad looking to begin with like Jocelyn Wildenstein go to such extremes to become hideous! It just doesn’t pay to be in the middle range! Man. Well, it’s good of you to help others like that. You are so selfless and in so doing, you are displaying that inner beauty that all of us average janes and joes WISH we had, only on the outside.
Don’t hate me, Romi, but that teenage photo of you IS ugly! (But I’m sure you picked the worst possible picture to make your point.)
Of course, it’s no big deal, right, since you’re so hot today (at least after an hour).
On that final headshot included in your blog: I love the contrasting poses.
The forward smiling shot says:
“Hi there. I’m only slightly less creepy than the guy who rubbed up against you on the train.” While the back ground enlarged face seems to say:
“Help! I just sat on my balls!”
You are the funniest person I have ever met. You were on the WordPress main page! Congrats to you!
Josh is hot. Auntie Em is one lucky gal.
You’re gonna make the big moolah with this one, Romi. I can feel it. Err, maybe that’s just me feeling myself . . er, anyhow. Now are you gonna just deal with the Canadia folks? or do us Americans get to reap the benefits, too?
Sweet! My perfect balance of manly and ugly is making women touch themselves! Hahahahahahaha! Fuck you middle school, and all your stupid opinions!
No but really I’m the lucky one cause the woman is waaaaaaay out of my league. At least my previous league. I can’t say I really had a type, but I can say most of them were dysfunctional skanks, and not nearly as hot as the woman. Maybe I graduated to a better league, that would be cool. Hey Romes, tell all yoru ugly ass clients not to bother dreaming about me, cause from here on out it’s nothing but phat asses and big ol’ fluffy bosoms and model type faces for me! I’m ballin! (unless I screw up with Em, then it’s probably back to skankville for me)
Bless your big-former-ugly-self Romi, as all the “youth that nature forgot” will have plenty of cash for their beauty creams, therapy, and such. May your endeavour leave the Olsens cash-less.
Um, first page of ugly.com, 4th from the left, top row..I fail to see how this is ugly. Are his abs too perfect? Is that the problem? Geez!
I so love that you posted those photos of yourself. Hey if you ended it with a current one, it would be a timeliness of evolving hotness!
Luv the Dorothy Hamill ‘do.
I guess this proves that mediocrity is the worst fate. Beautiful or ugly, you’re interesting, but it’s lonely in the middle.
HA HA! I’ve often pondered how some of the ugly people on TV got those jobs. I mean, they HAD to know, going into the screening, that they weren’t there for the leading part (unless the leading part was for Freddy Krueger or something)!
Your childhood photos are absolutely breathless.
Josh: a healthy “man ugly”!?!?!? But I like that, you boys can get away with a lot more and still make us swoon, cling to that baby!
AND BY THE WAY ASSHOLE: I’ve seen a large portfolio of your pictures, you’re a looker!!!
PS: I love how bars help people get laid! Talk about a self-less agency for the human race…
Peter: hahaha…I’ll leave the worm-to-butterfly work for the plastic surgeons of the world, since that’s way too much work for me…yup, pimp out what’s already there, that’s my specialty
c: hey thanks for stopping by, and as you said, perhaps the real lesson is not worry about being ugly or being beautiful, but to figure out how to make the best of just blending in!
Taoist Biker: I see less of “REALLY UGLY” people in society, and more of asthetically pleasing people who SEEM ugly as fuck ’cause they have garbage personalities…lol
teeni: hahaha…my “inner beauty” turns into bitter jealousy and spite at the drop of a dime….don’t over-estimate me
Daddy Dan: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA….
…..HAHAHAHAHHA…..you get the award for the first reader to call me “ugly”!!! This is one of those “it’s funny ’cause it’s true” moments!
PS: I did not pick the worst pictures at all; i.e. I could make you projectile vomit if I decided to show you the whole album…
glassowater: the NUMBER ONE reason I chose that head-shot was for the contrasting poses!!
I really want to get a contrasting-pose portrait done of myself; the side shot in the background would be me dreaming about a man, and the forward-shot would be me with the facial expression of a girl who’s about to get lucky…lol
Billy: thanks for the kudos
; and if I am the funniest person you’ve ever met, what horrible fate befell you where you weren’t around actual funny people up until now….????? Riddle me THAT! 
Red: it’ll be a worldwide initiative, but I’ll need some help from my global partners
PS: aww….I love when you stop by my blog and touch yourself!
Josh: dysfunctional skanks don’t seem very appetizing…glad you’re off that…haha.
And ya, Em is the real-deal, fluffy bosom and beyond, so do NOT fuck that up!
duffboy: ummm excuse me, I said I was ugly, but when did I say anything about being “big”??? LOL just joking, and no I don’t want to make the Olsen twins cash-less, I’m not spiteful at all…
May: hahaha…perfect abs could never be a crime eh? And I don’t know, stopping at the dumbo-ear/moustache-face “phase” was really the best way to get my point across
PS: what about you? Try being more photogenic why don’t you?
Pure Evyl: oh shit..ya that was definitely the Dorothy Hammill look…I guess it’s better to get that out of your system in childhood though, haha..
aconno: thanks for the visit, and ya, I guess the middle ground is kinda solitary, but I’ll try to be as interesting as possible whilst traipsing around there!
dobeman: ya, and they always seem like type-cast roles too…i.e. the guy in the action movies who always knows all the techy-stuff and helps organize heists with his laptop know-how, or the unattractive older sister…lol, I want to be that girl! (really, how cool would that be!?!?!
)
bronsonfive: uhhh…hmmmm…I don’t think I would’ve used the word “breathless”, haha, but…suuure, whatever rocks your socks
I think there are either a lot of people out there who have very screwed up views of themselves, or there are a lot of people just looking for complements. Most of the people on that site are pretty good looking.
Only Romi would be brave enough to bring out her kid pics. Personally, I think the bowl cut was quite becomming. This is the craziest thing I’ve ever heard, and I LOL when I got to the last head shot, my lord, what the ???
LMAO!! UGLY is the new beautiful! This is clearly why I struggle to find a date.
Bottom line? No matter how hot a guy or gal may be…twixt the ages of 9-14, they were a dork. If you peaked in high school? theres only one way to go, and thats down.
+50 points for the gumption to post those pictures.
I think I’ve maintained a steady dose of mediocre looks over the years. Hopefully, I can maitain the status quo for years to come.
Thanks, formerly-ugly Romi!
I’m eagerly awaiting my award.
Fingers crossed that it’s not a framed photo.
rambleicious: ya, they weren’t really “ugly” persay on a general level…honestly that kind of pisses me off, ’cause what if a really “ugly” person applied and they got rejected? After getting their hopes up and everything at the sight of an “Ugly” talent agency?…that would just be cruel…
Andy: oh, i know…I remember the hot “13 year olds” from back in my day, they look like absolute nightmares now, hahaha…
PS: posting those pictures was wicked-ass embarrassing, but I felt like once I did that, I coudl do anything, like climb Mount Everest maybe. So ya, I’ll be doing that next….
Daddy Dan: I’m gonna get a wall-to-wall poster created of the last pic (i.e. monkey ears + moustache) and have it sent to you….enjoy!