Matchmaker: Toilet Paper Style…
September 10, 2008
Buying toilet paper makes me uncomfortable.
Surely this is absurd, and yet whenever I’m stocking up, I feel like everyone’s watching…watching the “walking poop machine”.
This apprehension is further crystallized when I’m buying TP around men. Again I’m being silly; I mean “pooping” is a part of the mechanics, whether you’re a boy or a girl or a little bit of both.
But wait, my insanity isn’t done with me yet. The TP scenario is worst when I’m standing near a hottie. He’s waiting for me to make my selection, and when I do, he’ll have a clue as to what I’m all about:
Am I a priviledged paper-whore, who opts for the marshmallow stuff?
Or am I actually a tree hugger, who doesn’t mind having her ass scraped raw, all in the name of “recycled”?
And more importantly, which one does he want me to be? (I know that sounds submissive, but if the leash fits…)
In this particular instance, the man was in a tailored suit. It’s hard to go on clothes alone, but his hair told a story of its own. Slicked back and heavy on the grease, its voice was loud and clear: “I like to drill oil. And those greased-up ducks that stumble around after oil spills? They amuse me”.
Duck-thing aside, he was a decent-looking man with a pulse. I needed him.
So with my best “posh” face and a worldly demeanour, I reached for a pack of the 20-ply quilted stuff (one step down from the kind that’s lined with worm silk).
I turned to my jet-setting beau, and he greeted me with a…scowl. He grabbed a small pack of the “gray like newsprint, rolled by woodpeckers” stuff. He may have even spit on me as he walked away (or maybe the roof was leaking)…
…So there you have it: a forest friend in magnate’s clothing…who knew?
As far as personal morals go, I don’t think I’m ready to wipe my ass with newsprint, but the blankety stuff is way too far in the other direction. I think I’ll just sew the squares into actual blankets, and deliver them to homeless dudes, some of whom might be hot (well “homeless hot” anyway…)
***
PS: If you’re curious to find out more about me, there’s something wrong with you, Daddy Dan managed to pin me down for an interview (does that sound weird?)…check it out
I hope something changes for the best for you before you have to resort to the “homeless hot.”
you have to treat your ass right. no one wants to wipe themself with toilet paper that doesn’t hold up and inevitably your hand ends up doing the wiping. So that man was not for you. we don’t know how clean he really keeps himself and no one wants to take chances of holding a mans hand with bits of yuckiness of them. Personally i go with toilet paper with Aloe. so soft and smooth.
So are you like me and put on a disguise then travel two towns away (at 3am, natch) in order to be able to actually “shop” for feminine hygiene products instead of running down the aisle and grabbing whatever is nearest to the edge of the shelf?
Toilet paper is a good way to see if two people are compatable, but this is probably not a good aisle to be hunting for men.
May I recommend Scott Tissue? It’s a little bit of both, and it lasts forever. Unlike romance.
Miss Romi…please keep that caboose of yours supple and kissable…
Use the finest and softest TP you can find.
And be sure to rub lots of Aloe on it frequently…if you ever need help…
Oh wait…I’ve played that card already, haven’t I?
Poop is such a wonderful medium for your musings Romi. And TP too apparently. I’d expect that even non-greasy, non-spitting men could care less about what ass-wipe they use. Unless of course hemorrhoids are involved.
P.S. Recent studies have shown that 99% of all ass-wipe is made from recycled materials, regardless of texture.
I like to quote recent studies, as you know.
I found my husband over at the other end of that aisle. I was more interested in a man who used a moist disposable towelette. You might want to be aware that dating a man that only uses paper will have a 99.9% chance of having ass crumbs.
I use Scott tissue too. You get a good wipe for your buck. I mean buck as in dollar not as in a “young buck” dude. Since I am older and don’t give a crap (no pun intended) about who sees me buy TP I am able to buy what I want. Since I am still in broken ass recovery ( I can still only sit for about 30 minutes without ass pain and that seems to happen every 31 minutes throughout the day) I have to be ass careful.
Honestly I don’t know how you’re able to make buying toilet paper so funny but you can and you do! Glad I bought TP last week before reading this post or I don’t think I would have made it out of the isle without second guessing my choice or wondering if someone was watching.
I hope you enjoyed me pinning you down as much as I did! Thanks, Romi!
I’m so happy I’m not the only one with TP buying neuroses.
You make me feel normal.
I’m a Scott girl. Like Joan said, you get more bang for your buck. But TP really does say a lot about a person, I’m glad you’ve addressed this tissue issue.
Now I’ve got to go read your interview…I can’t wait.
TP issues, huh? In my world, girls don’t poop. So, you see, I’m guessing you use TP for decoration/vandalism purposes. May your butt be always care-free, and without any type of “rawness” involved.
I just wonder why the only way to buy toilet paper these days seems to be in the extra econo-super-size-mega-pack that requires a cart of it’s own to get it to the car.
My philosophy is that you can go cheap on anything but T.P. I go for the sale when shopping. When I’m shopping for, say…beverages, I go for the 15 cent pickle flavored soda rather than the Pepsi brand cola. I will buy my clothes from the goodwill rather than that expensive Wal-mart. I’ll even go for the dented cans of soup rather than buy a ridiculously priced soup off of the Wendy’s dollar menu. T.P. on the other hand (literally) needs to be chosen very carefully. Now that I buy toilet paper for myself I no longer live by my old moto “Wipe it til it bleeds”, I now proudly wipe with Charmin or Angel Soft and my new moto is “Ahhh”.
Why don’t you give a shy smile and say it’s for stuffing your bra?
You have to be careful where you go trolling for potential mates, because people inevitably ask, “so where did you two meet?”
You could always buy online. You know, like guys do when we want to purchase lingerie for the Mrs.
Ah, but you’re overlooking the obvious (to me). Perhaps he too was having a dilemma:
“So, do I buy the really soft stuff that feels like butta on my pampered derier, or do I opt for the manly stuff so that this SGILF (“Single Gal I’d Like…) digs my rugged-ness? What to do…what to do…?
OK, I’ll buy the barbed-wire on a roll here, and then I’ll stop at another place down the road after I’ve gotten her number!”
Hey, it could happen!
OH, and Nigel’s comment reminded me of “…it puts the lotion on the skin, or else it gets the hose again!”
Twisted, twisted thoughts.
You are being featured on Five Star Friday:
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2008/09/five-star-friday-edition-23.html
you have to buy the good stuff. your junk will thank you for it.
i hate when the mister says, “buy the industrial sized bulk!!” and there’s hot sausage-packers around. yeah, im uhh .. buying this for a friend?
Ok, I am pretty sure that will be the funniest thing I will read for a while. Priceless. Especially “…I mean “pooping” is a part of the mechanics, whether you’re a boy or a girl or a little bit of both.”. That deserves a standing ovation.
Btw, I was behind a dude in line at the store and he was buying a 24 pack of toilet paper and a dozen Hot Pockets. I just couldn’t get my phone camera out quick enough before they were bagged.
One of my mates used to hate buying toliet paper. she might do still. i havent asked lately. i hate buying pads and tampons. especially when they’re in funky packets and i get excited and get everyones attention by saying to whom ever im with “omg look THEY’RE IN PINK! WITH A FREE TIN!”
also 3ply is the only way to go.
Next time turn to him (since he’s clearly already made his retarded choice) and say something to the effect of “Don’t you hate it when you poop and it’s all extra spicy and you just know it’s gonna take like twenty wipes to feel halfway clean again?” Then make your way to the condom section and browse liberally.
Also, I used to go for the papery rough stuff, not so much for the environmental thing but for the cost effective thing (Hey, I’d be a much better hippie if you could make your organic shit NOT five times more expensive, so for now I have to stick to smoking weed and giving dirty looks to gas guzzlers). However, when visiting Josh in NC, I noticed the super quilty stuff at his brothers place. Apparently that’s one thing he insists on when it comes to normally-girly house type stuff. So I thought about it then hopped on board with the dollar extra comfort. Because when you’re life is up in the air, it helps to have a few things here and there that just make you feel like you’ve got your shit together.
So to speak.
Romi, I don’t think you want to get involved with the tree-hugger TP type. That’s really no way to live. You might be able to handle it during the dating stage, but it’s certain to cause rifts as the relationship progresses. You can’t go wrong with Charmin…unless you squeeze it, that is.
teeni: it’s a slippery dirty path to “homeless hot”, and I’m oh so close to getting there…
writerramblings: oh goodness, I certainly don’t want to find myself on the wrong end of a poo-handshake…ickkkkk! Thanks for shocking me back into reality!
jimsmuse: hahaha…don’t even get me started on buying “feminine hygeine products”…my disguise involves a fake nose and chin putty, among other things
morethananelectrician: It’s not a conscious hunt to find men in this aisle, but it just happens to be one of those aisles where both men and women shop in..can’t escape the wang…lol
maleesha: holy crap, your blunt honesty rules (but I thought romance DOES last forever…???
)
Nigel: uhhh…I don’t even know what to say to that…your comments are so NOT PG-rated…lol…frisky!
David: that’s an interesting study you quoted…hmmm…you know legally speaking in Canada, those 3-ply-super-quilty ones are still not allowed to make environmental statements (and yes, advertising TP is one of the aspects of my job..hoorah)…I think it’s more to do with the end product that is created, and in the case of the 20-ply cushiony stuff, it does far more damage in the sewage system after the fact, vs. the newsprint stuff that breaks down so much easier…and also, even if 99% of materials are recycled, it probably still takes 20 times more “recycled trees” to make the high-end stuff than the enviro stuff, so you still need way more trees to have died so you can re-use their “stuff”, technically speaking…lol..I wish so much of my brain wasn’t wasted on crap like this (and I don’t even know how much of it’s right, I’m just talking out of my ass right now, if I may say so
)
javaqueen: oh my god, did you seriously just say ass crumbs? I totally just puked up some of my breakfast in my mouth…wrong.
joanharvest: wow, that is a hell of a recovery time for your broken ass….sorry about the every 30min pain thing, and yes I’m hearing about this Scott brand, but I don’t think they make that TP brand in Canada (I mean Scott paper towels yes, but no TP from what I’ve seen…am I missing out?)
bluesuit12: haha, I’m glad I didn’t taint your TP buying experience, and hopefully you won’t remember this the next time you’re stocking up
Daddy Dan: ya it was a treat, but you’re a little rough, I must say
rambleicious: if I make you feel normal, then maybe we’re both in trouble, haha
Wendy: holy frick with “Scott” sweeping the nation, I gotta get in on this!!
duffboy: wow, what a magical world you do live in, where girls eat food and digest it through their breathing or something, hahaha
Pure Evyl: I don’t know about those econo-packs; I’ve done the math and it’s not always cheaper…maybe it’s just that people have been eating a lot more fiber in recent years, and they need easy-access to 30 rolls at a time…
Justin: I am SO glad you have replaced the “wipe it till it bleeds” motto with the “AHHH” motto, that first one was just wrong!!
ian in hamburg: shit, I need you as a fairy godfather for the purposes of dishing out solid advice like that…especially since I’ve been musing about whether I should start stuffing my bra again
kyknoord: hmm…you’re right, not exactly the best “how we met” story…maybe we could switch it to “multi-vitamins” aisle
always home and uncool: oh my gosh, what a great idea…buying TP online would totally save me from my dilemma…maybe my whole embarrassing shopping list gets converted to online purchases…
dobeman: see, this is why I need the MAN’s perspective…I only see it from the chick-view, and maybe that stops something special happening…
PS: I’m glad you can stop by here to unleash your twisted thoughts, hahaha
schmutzie: I saw that, and it was very very cool…thanks to whoever nominated me!
Red: “hot sausage packers”?!?!?! Hahaha, okay that is officially my fave new term to describe juicy fellas…lol..
Billy: I don’t know about any standing O’s, but holy hell WHERE was your camera phone that day!?!?! I mean you capture a perfect pic of a dude in purple silk pants and you miss out on Mr. Shit Storm with his toilet paper and Hot Pockets?!?!?! Please don’t slip up like that again!!!
queenbitch: haha, I can honestly say I’ve never had an excited tampon-buying outburst like the one you just described…I’d like to go shopping with you one day (but perhaps I would stand in the other aisle and pretend I don’t know you…haha, kidding, kidding! )
Emerald: “don’t you hate it when you poop and it’s all extra spicy?”….hahaha..no one can really argue with that
PS: I’m glad that you had your “$1 extra for comfort” epiphany, it’s one of those special things that comes from being in a relationship…’cause like, I would know right? (lol)
Allison: ya, I wouldn’t want TP to be the deal breaker, that’s for sure…and as for Charmin, well those cartoon bears in the ads are pretty cute, though I don’t know how appropriate it is to watch a TV ad of cartoon bears shitting behind a tree…hmm…
Toilet paper is so very hard to get right, I think I would have made the same choice though. What girl wants a man to think she wipes her ass with tree bark? A girl’s gotta have standards!
Javaqueen has totally grossed me out. And talk about submissive/sexist, I think I’d scorn a man who used a wet wipe on his ass. Unless of course, there was some medicinal reason, and even then I don’t want to know about it.
No more wordpress.
Yes sir, Romi, in my world, girls have no clue as to what poop is. It basically comes down to something pets and men are involved with, but they have nothing to do with poop. Nope.
leafprobably: it’s true…I mean I love nature as much as the next bitch, but keep it in the forest and off my ass please
Pearly: hahaha…I love Javaqueen, I got grossed out by that too, but it was sooo good…and that term is just classic
PS: “no more wordpress”? What do ya mean? What’s wrong with WordPress?
duffboy: hahaha…okay, and while you’re off in your little fantasy-corner there, make sure you say hi to the unicorns and bang a couple mermaids…
Hey! I learned that term from THE BEST, from Red; so back up off it ladies! ASS CRUMBS, ASS CRUMBS, ASS CRUMBS- check it.