On Trench Coats And Being Single…
September 28, 2008
I have the sexiest trench coat in the world.
It’s black, it barely hits the knee, you can dress it down with jeans, dress it up with hooker boots, it’s great. And most importantly, it sucks in my stomach and kicks it into my ass, which by the way has the best slope ever in this coat (picture an Austrian ski hill).
So this coat is a friend and it always makes me better, but I’ve only worn it two or three times.
The last occasion was my birthday party. It was the end of the night and my friends had dragged me over to Subway at 3am, since shoving a sandwich down my throat was supposed to lessen the impending hangover. This turned out to be a not-so-good idea, as I barfed up the sub and everything else on the side of the street. Some of the barf-splatter landed on my coat.
Once I’d sobered up I surveyed the damaged: there were bits of crusty barf scattered here and there, rendering the coat unwearable. So I put it in a vacuum-sealed bag, and vowed to take it to the cleaners the following day.
As promised, I took the coat to work and stored it in a corner of my desk. Lunch time arrived but something came up. So I vowed to drop it off the following day.
Something came up again.
This process repeated itself, along with many days of simply “forgetting”. Now, almost six months later, the barfy coat still sits at my desk.
Why did I let it go so far? By now I’ve missed an entire Spring of “sexy trench coat” wearings, along with the first 2 weeks of Autumn showings. It kind of makes you wonder what’s wrong with me, if I would willingly sacrifice a sexy appearance for no good reason. The more I consider this, the more I’m reminded of this search to find a man…
…am I putting myself out there enough?
Or is the barf on my coat like the past-relationship “puke” that currently stains my pathetic face? (I don’t know if my brain is warped from listening to too much Dido today, but this is sounding like the best analogy ever)
Hmm…maybe it’s time to grab a bar of soap and try a little harder.
I’ll tell you one thing: tomorrow’s Monday, and if I don’t deliver my barfy-coat to the cleaners, I might as well just donate my vagina to science.
Wish me luck…
I have a coat like that. I wore it once. This gorgeous, light brown, suede number.
Someone left it on the fruit bowl that happened to have fruit on it. The fruit then rotted because no one knew there was some left. The coat has been left to suffer and now I believe it is beyond rescue.
As for this being applicable to your love life, or lack thereof, maybe instead of eyeing all those cute boys, get their numbers. Be forward and direct. You’re never going to know unless you try…
Good luck.
Yeah. You need to NOT listen to so much Dido. And take the coat to the cleaners, if it’s not too late.
BTW, your face is NOT pathetic!!
Romi I have never met you but you look like you have a cute face. I hardly think the coat has any correlation to your vagina either…but like I said I have never met you, your coat or your vagina. Get that damn thing clean and show it off…uh hum…the coat that is…not the vagina!
Perfect season to get that coat cleaned and get to showing off your booty! Oh, btw – I put my little trinket in the mail to you yesterday. So keep your eyes open for it.
Throw that trenchcoat away, Romi! Six months of Subway bark must have put a hole through it by now.
Why donate to science when you can sell on Ebay?
Don’t do it Romi! Harken back to our wonder Pubic Service Announcements: A vagina is a terrible thing to waste!
Oh my, that was bad.
I bought a trench coat when I was 16. For some reason, then I thought it was the coolest thing ever. I think I was having a man-crush on Indiana Jones or something. But, I never wore it much. I think I liked the idea of it more than I actually like it on me…
Cleaners! Cleanerscleanerscleaners!
I can somewhat empathize. I have a big duster-style coat that I like because it makes my shoulders look four feet wide.
“It’s black, it barely hits the knee, you can dress it down with jeans, dress it up with hooker boots, it’s great. ”
I appreciate that the upper limits of your coats respectability reached by adding hooker boots. That’s clothing you can call at 3am to help you dump a body…no questions asked.
Trench coats by definition are sexy! And yeah, you should probably take it to the cleaners soonish. (Although OMG I SO would not like to be the person cleaning old barf off that coat!!)
Miss Romi,
The flannel PJs are sexy enough. Is it that time of year again?
OK, cold shower time…
Sounds a little monica-lewinski’ish to me. Are you sure it’s puke?
i think barfy trench coat should just be thrown away. how can you meet mr. perfect when each time you wear your coat you are reminded of the puke that sat upon it. That is like wearing underwear with some skid marks in them. The sexy feelings just don’t come about. want to go shopping? i am game!
Ummmmm, I would just get a new coat? I got my trench at H&M for thirty friggin dollars! I LOOOOVE it, though I’ve had it for a year now and it’s looking a little dull. But $30 for a years worth of sass is totally worth it.
Oh, and I’d make fun of you for puking on the side of the street, but the last time I puked, it was between my feet on my own living room floor
I didn’t even need anybody else around for it to be humiliating.
Getting out there enough? Maybe…
But the number one downfall of anyone trying to find a significant other is putting too much thought into it. This blog proves it!
You plan, you scheme, you ponder and it hasn’t gotten much more than a geriatric reach around. Stop thinking soo much about it and just walk up to the next guy you like and tell him!
Those waiters at the engagement party seemed like a good spontaneous move…do so more of that! Whatever you do, don’t give up on your “bajingo” and become one of those cat ladies.
lonelycanadiangirl: aww…a coat ruined by rotted fruit??? That is so sad, especially when fruit is supposed to add so much goodness to our lives..
PS: I know what you mean…I don’t know if it’s like I keep waiting to be asked or something…I mean it’s not like it’s 1950 or anything! (I just picked 1950 out of the dark, but I think it works )
Pure Evyl: thanks dude, and there is hope, ’cause I DID send my coat to the cleaners on Monday…woohoo for me!
David: No one can listen to enough Dido; I feel like I could marry her if I wasn’t so into the schlong…lol
PS: yup the coat is at the cleaners, but it’s taking 3 days to clean it…is that long in dry-cleaning time? I don’t know, I rarely have dry-cleanable clothes…
jcow81: thanks for your hypothesis from not having met me, but I don’t think it would be right to say I have a cute face…I’d like to have a cute face, but most of the time it just looks like a rounded piece of puffed out fruit, and then I try to suck in my cheeks to deal with that shit, you know? (is there a such thing as “cheek bone implants”? I don’t know, you’re the one who wrote the post about how you can get fake-abs, so maybe you can tell me )
teeni: I will definitely keep my eyes open for the trinket, thanks!…and yup, it’s all about the booty
Daddy Dan: you know somehow the acid-rich barf has not burned through the coat…I must try to salvage it!!!
Joe: that’s a good plan, but what if my hoo-haa didn’t have any bids but only lurkers? I do NOT wanna go out at 99 cents…I’d rather perserve a few ounces of dignity and give it away under the “selfless donation” guise
dobeman: “a vagina is a terrible thing to waste”..HAHAHA…the quotes you leave on my blog are priceless, I’m glad you can let loose here
PS: I think it’s so cool that you can admit your man-crushes; most guys don’t know this, but acknowledging man-crushes indicates a security that makes you even manlier…well done
Taoist Biker: wow….look at that coat…now that is some serious shoulder-widening action
A. J. Valliant: clothing you can call at 3am to help you dump a body is just one of those extras that’s rarely mentioned by the sales people, and yet, what a crucial feature!
leafprobably: when I dropped it off (and YES, I did!
), there was a lady behind me who was looking around awkwardly as the cleaning lady spread out the coat to reveal all the stains…hahaha….I feel kinda bad for the cleaner …
Javaqueen: OMG…if the many many stains on my coat weren’t barf but instead “monica-lewinsky-ish”…WOW that would be a bad scene, hahaha
Nigel: wow, you haven’t needed a cold shower on my blog in a while…and here I thought I was losing my touch
writerramblings: “underwear with skid marks?”….HAHAHA
…well I AM going to try to salvage my coat, and no I wasn’t going to think about the barf each time, but now I will! (along with the skid marks!…dammit!)
PS: shopping rules like all the time…so special
Emerald: …my coat was only $35! But from Urban Behaviour (one of the stores I feel so awkward going in, but sometimes they have cheap stuff! )…and ya I could get another one, but there’s just something about how this coat clings to me, it must be saved if possible! (I’ll pick it up from the cleaners tomorrow to see if it’s wearable again…)
omegaradium: well I already have one cat and I love him to pieces…is that a bad sign?
AND LISTEN…I totally know what you’re trying to say about how “trying too hard or over-analyzing it ruins your chances”, but DUDE…I spent the first 26 years of my life “not thinking about it”, and where the hell did that get me!??!?!?…
…And no I’m not getting much farther now, but if Plan A: doesn’t work, and Plan B: doesn’t work…well then there has to be some work-able middle road, I just have to find it (but I don’t have much time…shit!!!!)
Poor barfy jacket – you think after the great service it renders your ass that you’d clean the puke off it.
I had a sweater I ruined in much the same way – my boobs have never forgiven me. The girls looked great in that sweater.
Yeah, I love Dido too!! And Sarah McLaughlin, Feist, Regina Spektor, Amanda Palmer, Anna Nalick, Bjork, Jesca Hoop, Laurie Anderson, Liz Phair, etc.
Never own clothes that need dry cleaning. That’s my motto. One should be able to WATER WASH any clothes upon which one hurls. That’s what I say.
Oh no! I’m recking Romi’s vagina is far too precious to be handed over to Science! Let’s get that trenchcoat some proper cleaning, and your luscious “slopey” ass in gear. Am I right?
I love love love trench coats. I got a black satin one myself last week (Not tacky, classy, its not like 100% satin!)
You go girl in your bad ass trench. Perhaps you just need to walk around town naked under that … might be easy to pick up a man that way, lol!
so i pretty much love you. i’m totally inspired to find the perfect trench coat now…
and now that yours is back & ready for action…bring on the next adventure in the little black trench. def looking forward to hearing about it!
rambleicious: awww…I hope you’re able to find a new sweater that will help you make amends with your boobs!
David: wow, I’m liking your musical line-up; a bunch of us should have a blog-meet-up sometime, with the aforementioned music and some soothing hot beverages and loads of awesome conversation…and maybe a bit of cake…ohhh yeah there’s my idea of a cool Sunday afternoon
duffboy: it’s official: the trench coat has been saved, I’ve worn it four times since the cleaning, and the slope-y ass is back on the scene!
thegirlfromtheghetto: you got a SATIN trenchcoat!??! I think that’s too much awesomeness for me to handle, it sounds soooo chic!
PS: oh ya, the naked + trench look, I’ve heard that works wonders…
emilylegend: awww…I love being loved, and I think I might love you too!
PS: I’ve trenched it up a few times with my newly cleaned coat, but I definitely need to amp up the adventures, I’ll keep you posted!