Shake That Ass…?
October 22, 2008
Sometimes I have real thoughts about the world. These thoughts take shape when I’m sitting outside, and they’re most acute when I’m staring at the trees…
…Upon a recent musing (“what came first: Plum sauce or egg rolls?”), I craned my neck towards a sun-lit branch…and that’s when I saw the squirrels.
It was like I had just walked in on a sensual scene. It wasn’t official squirrel-sex I was seeing, but moreso the beautiful foreplay. The female squirrel kept sprinting from branch to branch, with the determined man-squirrel hot on her heels. Then she’d stop. And then he’d stop. And then their brown squirrely eyes would meet. And THEN..then she’d shake her puffy squirrel-tail, only to sprint away once more…
…After hustling around for seven whole minutes, the dance had reached its peak…
..I’d love to tell you more, but my view became obscured by a leafy branch. If the “tree rustles” were any indication though, those squirrels know how to get it done.
Once the “post-erotic calm” settled in the air, my thoughts ran deep on the topic of penetration:
-It’s so simple for squirrels, and for most animals in fact. Seriously, if you’re a female squirrel with an ass and a puffy tail, you will never be without a mate. All it takes is a few solid shakes of the ass, and you’re in! I suppose we humans can do it too, but when the branches are replaced with a seedy bar-room floor…it’s not as easy. For the squirrels on the other hand it’s natural; no complications, no obligatory phone calls, no sign of baggage from recent (or long gone) exes…it’s like everyday is hump day! That’s a pretty remarkable thing; it’s kind of like Nature in a perfect state…
…If you ask me, Nature was always perfect, but then came humans. Along with the humans came “feelings”, meaning that inevitably, invariably, ”shaking that ass” would never be the same.
Yup those humans…Nature’s biggest “oopsie”.
(hmm…who replaced my nightly ”happy pill” with a placebo? Give it back please…)
When I saw the movie Quest For Fire, I understood the reason the the world has gone to hell. It was the invention of the cup. Before the cup, man would just have sex with a woman that he saw bending over getting a drink of water out of a creek. When the cup was invented, that through easy access out the window. The cup took us out of our animalistic innocence. Damn cups.
Squirrel Sex is cool…but possum sex is pretty awesome. After doing it…they wander in traffic and get hit by cars.
“Mates” are much different than partners. “Partners” are much harder to find.
This is exactly why I only have sex with squirrels.
Squirrel sex eh? Sounds kinky.
And plum sauce totally came first!
You really have a way of using my mind as a canvas. You painted every scene so perfectly, yet you were proper. No…seriously, it was like I was there watching these promiscuous squirrels teasing each other and how the female used her milkshake to lure the male in, I almost felt like that male squirrel and I was in my cute squirrel role and then you changed the subject I had to zip my pants back up and get back to the real world! Don’t judge me!!
I sit in my backyard to relax sometimes and watch the squirrels chase each other through the live oak and pine trees. they are pretty entertaining, especially when one of the two squirrel’s who are getting it on ex’s shows up. then it turns into a squirrel drama. kind of like real life.
MTAE hit the nail on the head.
I think any animals that mate for life have a bit harder time of it. While humans may not exactly mate for life, that’s sort of the expectation.
So, name any other animal that both expects to mate for life AND in which both genders are (theoretically) available for sex at any time…i.e. not limited by going into heat.
I can’t name one, but I’d bet they have the same trouble we do.
Squirrels are quite romantic, aren’t they? Unfortunately my general association with wildlife copulation happens in the spring when walking along the creek on my way to work, I witness (almost daily) unfortunate incidents of duck gang-rape.
The males line up, pin the female’s head under water and take turns at her. The conservationist inside of me battles with the feminist inside of me, deciding whether or not to drop-kick the males to kingdom come… what’s a liberal to do?
I’m confused….are you wishing you were a squirrel?
You are a little squirrelly sometimes.
And why do you tag your posts with both “humor” and “humour”? Do you think us dumb Americans won’t be able to find your funny posts if you only include the Canadian spelling of the word?
I suppose we humans can do it too, but when the branches are replaced with a seedy bar-room floor…it’s not as easy.
Miss Romi, I think I missed that post…but I am WAY interested. Can you elaborate?
Do you think that squirrels parents get giddy when their squirrel daughters gather nuts?
I’m just glad the squirrels didn’t notice you watching them. They can be quite vicious little boogers and they throw their acorns at you when they are angry at you (which I would imagine them to be if they caught you peeping at them like that).
yeah, if we humans could just run through the woods naked, and shake our tail to the opposite sex, it would be so easy. So uncomplicated. Sigh…
i am quite hating on squirrels these days. one just ate the carved pumpkin that i got from my hubby. can you believe it? your story sounds cute but squirrel sex means there will be more squirrels that will be eating my pumpkins or my flowers during the summer time. i just cant come to piece with that. also just recently i was attacked VERBALLY by a very angry squirrel, so no squirrel love from me. i hope your experience distracted them from making love. and for shaking your ass, i think that would be quite cute. you should try it.
Right again Romi… we are Nature’s oopsie. Now what the hell do we do???
I was watching an episode of ‘Plant Earth’ from The Discovery Channel the other day, and there is some kind of male bird that puffs his wings out and dances to lure the lady puff birds. I think I prefer it when the male is the one concerned about being the woo-er.
Pure Evyl: hahahahahaha…..I mean, hahahaha….that is the funniest, and yet possibly truest thing I ever heard…you should become a historian of sorts
this buddy of mine:…umm…haha I’m glad you visited because your comment on possum-sex made me laugh my face off; maybe they walk into traffic because it’s so intense and they fall into a daze afterwards…lol
morethananelectrician: who said anything about a partner? This post was written when I was feeling particularly “restless”…ahem…hahaha
Josh: I knew there was someone out there who sees the appeal of squirrels, yay for you and your human-to-squirrel sex!!
lonelycanadiangirl: I figured that plum sauce came first too; it came to someone in their dream, and once the first batch was made, the quest to find the “plum sauce” companion began…sigh, I love history
Justin: HAHAHAHA…you freak! I mean, err..I’m not judging you at all (lol), in fact I hate when I have to zip up my pants and get back to the real world…heehee
Black Coffee & Bourbon: squirrel exes exist? I thought their brains are so small that they don’t remember their exes, or maybe that was pigeons…
Taoist Biker: Well..I’m not sure what you’re saying (my brain is weak right now, lol), but what I was simply demonstrating is that the curse of being human prevents us from experiencing the “no strings” mating that comes off so easy for squirrels…and a lot of animals are like that I think…no long-term commitments and all that…it sounds fun when you only want a good time, but humans can’t do that I’m afraid…unless they are missing a sensitivity chip…lol
Adam: OH MY GOSH: duck-gang rape? But ducks have such a cute and endearing waddle!!! (both males and females)…I am forever disturbed.
Daddy Dan: hahaha…it’s not that I think Americans won’t find it, it’s just that I like to have the “humour” option in there for the rest of the world, as we prescribe to the extra “u” and you don’t…I’m sure you’d be able to find it otherwise, but since it exists in the “humor” version, I thought I would include that too…all inclusive baby
Nigel: hahaha..that’s the post that only lives inside my head…lol
maleesha: hahahaha…that now stands as my favourite pun….this squirrel-post really brought out some extra humour in the comment thread…love it
teeni: squirrels throwing acorns?!?!?! Well that sounds a little violent…I thought squirrels were lovers and not fighters…
Karen: naked-forest excursions sound cool, as long as someone brings a picnic basket, ’cause all that running would make me hungry!
nieschu: a SQUIRREL ate a carved pumpkin!??!? There are few things I like more than anything “pumpkin” related, so this pumpkin vandalism/consumption sounds very disturbing! Suddenly I have a grudge against squirrels, even if their sex is really hot to watch…hahaha
Lucky: I don’t really have the “what the hell do we do?” part figured out yet…hahaha…can I get back to you on that one?
Allison: I too would prefer to be wooed, and as you have seen, when it’s me trying to do the wooing, well let’s just say I’m not very good at it!
Yes sir, those squirrels have it made. Where is my squirrel-like-ass-shaking-human-female mate?
But what about the gimpy squirrels with bum legs? They’d be screwed! Poor squirrels don’t know that it’s not necessarily genetic! At least us oopsie humans can use a tactic known as ‘bullshitting’ to get past all our flaws