The Man I Didn’t Know I Wanted…
November 30, 2008
When I started the year-long search for a man, I held myself to the open-minded notion that I don’t have a type.
Even when I said it, I knew that I was chasing certain specs: at least as smart as me (good luck), at least as funny as me (somewhat possible), a fan of Sports (but not so much that the ”Sports” eclipse “cuddle time”), good-looking enough so his face doesn’t give me a stomach-ache (I’m a liar if I don’t put that down), and a good, wholesome heart (i.e. charitable, doesn’t beat up children, etc.).
Looking at the list, I guess you’d say that I do have a type afterall; a very specific, very idealized, on-a-pedestal type.
As the months went on, I realized that my “dream” type was the equivalent of asking a bicycle shop for a Porsche, and so I became less and less specific.
Even then I couldn’t get what I was after….something tells me I was clinging to the original prototype. For this reason, I couldn’t even recognize certain things as “good”, because they weren’t a part of my original “type”. These were qualities I’d never though of, and qualities I didn’t want. As in…
-Why would I want someone who sums up my life as “insignificant” (my interpretation), because he tells me I haven’t been living it to the fullest?
-Why would I want someone who says two words when I’ve done something right, and two hundred words when it’s good ol’ “constructive feedback” time?
-Why would I want someone who is so stubborn, that we could debate back-and-forth for hours when I know I’m right (because I’m just as stubborn too)?
Who wants any of that?
Well…I do. As it turns out, there’s a whole list of things I didn’t even know I wanted. These mystery “wants” were buried in my ego, up until a little while ago. My ego tried to shield me from the work that I haven’t been doing, and the dreams that I haven’t fulfilled. But then this person came along, and turned himself into the clearest mirror. No one in my life has ever been able to see past all my bullshit (I mean ALL of it), and figure out the best ways forward, without a reluctance to face my ego head-on. Half the time I hate being so exposed, but underneath I can see how much I appreciate it. As for the debates, well let’s just say that a person who makes you think, is a person worth keeping around.
Now that I’ve finally realized how much I love the things that I thought I hated, I can also see all the other moving parts. This guy is smarter than me (but not so much that I feel threatened), funnier than me (same as last one), likes Sports to the extent that he makes them fun/interesting, has a face so attractive that I instantly melt, and carries a heart worth its weight in gold (times a hundred).
But here’s the problem: I don’t know what any of this means. To me a good relationship is “give and take”…it has to be. But what have I given him in all this time? This guy has achieved everything he’s ever imagined, through his own hard work and determination. What I mean is…he isn’t a “fuck up”. So what am I to him? His “life mess” project? The subject of his guardian-angel-ism? If that’s what it is, then one day the project will be done, and he’ll feel very proud. But that’s not a relationship.
So until I discover what on earth I do for him…can he be any more than a friend?
(I’m off for a “think”…)
From the description, you are really looking for someone that will keep you on your toes.
Perhaps you just need someone that is tall.
You should try asking him out on a date. Also, to you it may look like he is some sort of ‘god like’ creature fulfilling all his dreams, but I’m willing to put money on the fact that he doesn’t think of himself that way.
Well Romi, you have a situation here. I agree, he may not see himself the way you do. You are an amazing person and I can see that you do not always think that of yourself either. If you think this pursuit has potential to end your search and invoke a happy love life for you then I fully back you up on your decision. If you are just rushing to find someone before your deadline and there is only a flicker of hope in this individual, then I say abort and stay on track. Also, you should never question your ability to be able to “do something” for someone. I am sure he sees what we all see in you. Do we all have to tell you what you do for us? No! So neither should he. Just know that you hold that ability!!
Wow Romi. That was quite a post. Take your time on the thinking.
In spite of your racing heart, your mind seems to be touching on some very wise points. A loving relationship should, on average, stand up to most transactional analyses.
IMHO, though lovers need not be equals, they should treat one another as such, and the closer they’re matched, the easier this will be. If, as you wrote “this guy has achieved everything he’s ever imagined” then how can he be moved? However, I imagine that his achievements only have that stature in your esteem, which is a perception of your ego. If HE thinks he’s achieved “everything” then please go get yourself a nice sturdy ten-foot pole, because that would be a problem of HIS ego.
In conclusion, I’d say abandon your spec listing. Unless you want someone to apply a spec listing to you. I think you’ll know it when you find your mate, even if not right away. There just ain’t no guarantees. Dammit.
So it sounds like you already know him. Who is this mystery man? And it’s not really for you to find out what you do for him. HE can probably tell you. Just ask.
Deep thoughts Romi. Finding a true teammate can be a difficult task. Figuring out what you can really give someone else if a big step.
If the summing up as insignificant if what you feel, and not really the way he thinks, then maybe he could be just what you need, that person who would encourage you to complete the projects you start, the one to be your best supporter when you try something new. In that case, it could be a good thing. On the other hand, if he is someone who looks down on you because he thinks you have not reached your potential when you really have given something your best, now that could be a problem. It just depends on what you mean by that.
And, there is nothing wrong with being stubborn, either. One of the things it took me forever to learn: In relationships, pick your battles. In other words, what things can you just choose to ignore in the best interest of the relationship, and which ones will you die defending in the best interest of your sanity?
I am thinkin’ there is PLENTY you can do for him
Don’t analyse so much (hmm, something about pot and kettle here!) If you make him happy, what more is there?
Haven’t been to your blog in quite some time. Perhaps I should check back more often to see if you’re having any luck finding a mate. I’m a little surprised that you’re still having trouble.
This is the typical way you find a mate: you actively look everywhere, only to realize that he snuck up on you in the place you weren’t looking.
Can I say, though, that you’ve really gotta know the difference between someone who’s challenging you and someone who’s putting you down? I sincerely hope he’s doing the former.
I’m really glad that after listing all those things you thought “wait a minute” because I was thinking the same thing, especially after the debating issue. Healthy debating can be a good thing, as long as it doesn’t become personal. My geeky friend once explained that to an outsider her husband can seem downright mean but what he’s doing is pushing her to be the best at everything she *wants* to be the best at. He was exactly what she was looking for, and they’ve got a seriously rad thing going on. And look at me! There was no way I ever thought that a stubborn (equally as stubborn as me, that is), blue collar man from NC would ever be the one I wanted/needed, but that’s how it rolled. I always thought I wanted someone who would say “Why yes, we can go get a fifteenth bunny” when really I needed someone to say “Now listen here woman…”
Getting everything you think you want can be boring. Now that you’re rethinking a few things, I’m sure Year of the Chick version 2.0 will go smashingly!
Simple. You can be the mirror for him that he is for you – to amplify his strengths and help correct his faults. To see past his bullshit and not turn away.
To sum up…if you’re asking yourself “what can I do for him?” then he’s already more than a friend in your mind. The question is what to do about it. Are you going to let him in on that secret?
I say go for it!
A marriage counselor (not that I’ve ever seen one professionally, mind you)told me that we are a direct reflection of our partners, that everything we do and don’t like in a partner is a mirror reflection of ourselves and what we are. Do you think he sees you exactly as you see him? If this comment is too confusing, just go with what Dave said.
I think you can hold your own.
Hmm, it’s a good question there. Why does anyone ever couple up with anyone, knowing that each of us is truly messed up somehow. And let’s not kid ourselves, we ALL have some little something that about us that we fear will run off a potential “other.” Trying to figure out why a particular person will hang with you will drive you crazy. You can’t solve this puzzle because you can’t feel what they feel when they’re around you.
Just as I have no clue why CareerMom would marry someone whose morning bedhead looks like he was kicked in the noggin by a horse each morning, you won’t be able to figure out why your “friend” puts up with your eccentricities. Just enjoy it.
I am a thorough believer and beneficiary of the “until something better comes along” theory of dating…
Pure Evyl: yes, I think I am all about someone who keeps me on my tippy-toes, and he is taller than me so that works out too
Kerplar: you know I rarely stop and think that he must think of me in any way that’s more positive to how I see myself…I just always figured I saw myself with more than enough ego already (haha), but maybe not
Justin: I am definitely not rushing to the finish line, and as I might end up explaining in future posts, this situation wouldn’t neatly wrap itself in a little package if we both simultaneously said “I want to date you!”…a little more complicated, but I’ll explain later, haha …and also, I am now realizing that the “best laid plans” are meaningless, things like love happen on their own schedule, so I don’t expect any marriage proposals by December 31st, lol
PPS: thanks for the kind words, I appreciate it
David: thanks blog-dad (lol), your comment was very insightful and it truly does leave me with even more to think about . And also, the thing about blogs is that it’s a one-sided conversation, especially when you’re talking about someone who isnt’ there to fill in the details. In other words, he in no way is “high and mighty” as the god-like accomplisher of all things, more of an inspiration really, and a humble one at that I suppose I just put him on a tall-ass pedestal…lol
teeni: yes…asking is a good tip, but for some reason we use a lot of humour to hide behind the real issues it seems …and who is it? Err…well names and faces are not important at this point (lol), but I promise he’s not imaginary!
morethananelectrician: it sure is a big task, but I’m a team player and I’m willing to put in a hundred and ten percent!
Karen: wow, what a sage comment; that debating part is so true…I love how you put it and sometimes I need to defend things for my sanity, and I think vice versa is true for him…also, I do have a particular view of things, and he’s in by no means a “put-down” type of guy….so much the opposite, it’s just confusing territory is all…but on the other hand I over-analyze too much…lol
GYL: yeah I’m sure he could formulate a long list without too much effort, hahaha…and I KNOW, I need to tell my brain to shut up 80% of the time, with all the over-analysis I do
Thomas: thanks for checking in, and believe me, no one is as surprised as I am!
crisitunity: I’ll sincerely tell you that he IS doing the former; like I am sometimes jaded towards how “awesome” I am (lol), but I’d like to think there’s a firm line between that and my actual self-esteem…thanks for pointing it out though, it’s always a good reminder
PS: He TOTALLY snuck up on me…and literally showed up in my life, out of nowhere..like literally…crazy!
Em: wow…not only did I love the example of your friend, but I OH so very much love your example, as I’ve seen that happen before my eyes (or my Internet eyes…haha)…every doubt I have about the value in someone who pushes you and challenges you, was erased in part because of your example and what you’ve got in your awesome relationship, seriously!
Taoist Biker: the worst thing in life is regret…hmm…does that answer my question? We’ll see, and thanks for your perspective
Wendy: your comment is not too confusing, though it does however push the limit of my intelligence, haha…but I think I get it, thank you for that!
Maleesha: thanks for the vote of confidence, maybe that’s just what I needed
dobeman: you’re right, I am already on the brink of going crazy so maybe I need to ease up on the over-analysis!
PS: I bet your bed-head looks hot, can we see it?
buddy of mine: hahaha…I LOVE that theory, in which case I need to seriously get on this!!
Wow, Romi, sounds like that this situation requires a big degree of thought, or “thinkness”. I think we need to learn more about this gentleman. Care to humour us? May your quest for relationship wisdom be a fruitful one.
Darn.
I was figuring by your post title and the first few paragraphs that maybe you were talking about ME.
But seriously, I think you know that all of your loyal readers are half rooting for you to find total bliss…and half rooting for a near-miss so your amazing blogging continues.
I’m so conflicted…
Hi Rominator. How are you!??? Sounds like you are doing quite well actually!!! I just want to say that you can take him off the pedestal. He’s human just like you are. Everyone is fucked up in their own special way…..
That’s what makes life so interesting. YOU are interesting! One in a million, I tell ya!
Romi! I thought we agreed we’d keep our relationship quiet for a while until we saw how it went. Can I trust you with anything now???
Don’t dwell on this Romrom! If you like him, then go for it! I find that dwelling on subjects like that, thinking him infallible, or even setting forth unrealistic expectations is a sure fire way for a relationship to self-destruct!
Duffboy: haha…I can’t humour you yet…not while he is still a friend or something else or I don’t know…’cause if I write out his bio when I’m not sure, he’ll think I’m seriously psycho and pull the plug
Nigel: it’s okay to feel conflicted, but remember, even if I got it I wouldn’t stop blogging…I’ll be back in 2009 with SOMETHING (but you’re worried it’ll be shitty if I’m too busy getting “nailed” 7-days a week? HAHAHA….
)
Javaqueen: aww…thank you, you are so sweet, and you’re right, I put people on a pedestal way too much…friends and boys and both (“you think you’re better than me?!?!!?!!”…lol
)
Daddy Dan: settle down now will you? And YOU’re the one who just blew the cover! Haha…
omegaradium: it’s true; the best way to ruin something before it starts is to murder it with over-analysis…thanks for the reminder
Oops, I did, huh!
That’s ok. I’m actually relieved it’s out there. I’m just glad my wife doesn’t read your blog!
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