Something’s been going on with me lately. I think I’ve kinda lost that “special bounce” in my step ….The first time I ever had this feeling, a single thought kept racing through my mind: Why can’t I bounce like before? Did I break my Reebok Pumps?
Well I checked, and they’re as pump-alicious as ever.
So what’s been weighing me down?
I think it’s the uncertainty of the future, and the idea of getting older. In troubled times like these, I just close my eyes and focus on my goals: What does Romi really want?
-Well…if I sweep away all the materialistic bullshit, the answer is very clear: I want children; lots and lots of precious children…like maybe 20?. I don’t even care about finding a man…Seriously, these men-folk seem like WAY more trouble than they’re worth, what with their sports, and collared shirts, and weeknight whores…
No, forget that. I just wanna be like Mother Goose, all warm and cuddly and mom-ish, that’s all I want. I’ll prolly go to one of those sperm-bank thingys, so I can make my 20 children. I’ll ask them to open a premium account, the kind that lets you make unlimited withdrawals. Once I have my 20 children, I’ll take them to lots of picnics, so we can eat sandwiches and play badminton. They’ll love me.
Well now that I’ve got my focus, no more feeling gloomy for this gal! 
And now, onto business…(ahem)…So in preparation of being a proud (and fat) mother of 20, I guess I need to learn how to be a wicked mom. Luckily for me, I found a ”Wicked MSN Article” with ALL the answers. It basically tells you the secrets to becoming the best mom EVER (See Article). And GET THIS: it’s not about having the nicest nursery, and it’s not about having the tastiest breast milk (though you wouldn’t hear any complaints).
In the end, it’s all about making the right mom friends, at the right time.
So without further delay, here they are: The 5 Friends that ALL Moms Need:
#1) The Role Model: This one’s a mom-friend who’s already had a kid or two. When it comes to her knowledge of babies, you need to USE AND ABUSE her. It’s not just a matter of scoring some useful tips, it’s a matter of your baby’s safety. Just think about it: if you don’t have a “role model mom”, how will you know that you shouldn’t drop your baby on the floor? Who’s gonna tell you not to tie-up your infant on a bike-rack, when you decide to go clubbing till closing time? And what will prevent you from leaving your child in a crib full of cat litter and feces, if you just don’t know any better? In summary: if you don’t find a “role model mom” for your baby, you’ll probably end up killing it. So GET ONE.
#2) The Twin: So it’s been a few months, and you haven’t killed your newborn. This means:
A: Congratulations!
and
B: it’s time to get yourself a “mom twin” friend.
You and this “mom twin” are sharing that “new baby” life-stage, so you’ll probably end up meeting at one of those ”new-mom cults”. You’ll both have a lot in common, so guess what: you’ll be bosom buddies in no time! Speaking of bosoms, the article states that you and “mom twin” can talk about special “mom things”, that no one else really cares about, like your sore nipples, for example (I can’t verify this, but the article says that new moms get sore nipples…).
Once you and “mom twin” spend 3 hours talking about your sore nipples, you’ll probably end up making-out, at the very least. If you just raised an eyebrow from reading that (or something else, you dirty-male readers), don’t be too shocked, ’cause this is pretty standard. Think about it: you’re not “gettin’ any” at home, ’cause you’re way too disgusted by your post-baby body (with good reason…I mean look at you! ugh…). In other words, you refuse to put-out. To add to the problem, “daddy” won’t come near you either, since you’re still super-fat from the pregnancy (not to mention that your “hoo-ha” has gotten alll mangled and such, from the physical trauma of giving birth). That said, you might as well take comfort in the jiggly fat arms of your “mom twin”. So yeah, DEFINITELY get yourself a “mom twin”, and have some fun while you’re at it! :-)
#3) The-Spur-of-the-Moment-Coffee-Buddy: So now your baby’s a toddler, but guess what: you’ve lost a lot of friends, ’cause being a mom has ruined your personality! You’ve become a negative, lonely and buzz-kill type of mom. “Role Model” mom thinks you complain too much, so she’s not gonna deal with your crap anymore. “Mom twin” doesn’t wanna see you either, let alone make-out with you; you’re just not that into it like you used to be, she says…
With all this crap going on, what you need is an energetic mom, the free-spirited kind that will bring you great joy. In order to find Mrs. Right, you HAVE to start stalking other moms. Go to museums, hang out in parks, just keep your eyes peeled for chicks pushing strollers. Once you’ve identified a desirable target, do that thing where you put some chloroform on a napkin, and smother the mom and the baby. After transporting the passed out ”free-spirited mom” and her lump of a child to your house, tie them up in the basement and wait for them to stir. Once mother and child are awake and ready to party, you’ll put on a mix-tape and feed them some onion rings. You’ll be happy again, and this’ll quickly rub off on your child. Another step towards becoming a better mom…
#4) The Rule Breaker: Now that you’ve had your Prozac-dose of “free spirited mom”, you’re ready to toss her aside, and move on to something new. Despite your apparent happiness, you still have a massive “mom ego”. In order to keep things level, you’ve gotta find yourself a low-grade, “social services target” mom. The more you hang out with a mom who swears in front of her kid, swears AT her kid, and beats the crap out of her kid, the more you’ll feel like you’re doing something right. This air of self-satisfaction will teach your kids about the ways of the world. Once they see the happiness that comes from thinking that you’re better than everyone else, they’ll know how to handle high school. And that’s the greatest gift that a mother can give a child.
#5) The Best Friend’s Mom: As your little runt grows up, and finally starts making friends (God willing), you’ll probably get acquainted with your child’s best friend’s mom. This is a key alliance that cannot be overlooked. The fact is, your kid’s developing his/her life now, and you’re damn well eager to get back to yours. So while you’re out scamming guys at pool halls, taking body shots, and wrestling nasty hangovers, “best friend’s mom” will be the one organizing sleepovers, carpooling the kids, and making lots of Kool-Aid. This isn’t really a “win-win” situation, since you’re the one having all the fun, but hey, that’s “best friend’s mom”‘s fault, for not thinking of it sooner.
-And the FINAL friend a mom really needs: This one’s not included on the list, because she’s not really any kind of mom. Nope, this final type of friend is a childless one. “Childless single friend” will offer up a ton of perspective, on why being a mom is better than it seems. You won’t feel enlightened at first, so you’ll have to be a little patient. Here’s how it’ll work: As “childless single friend” gets older and older, her lonely childless life will seem more and more pathetic. With enough exposure to her pitiful existence, you’ll remember why you even had a kid to begin with. As you’re overcome with these ”loving mom” feelings, you’ll give your child a kiss on the forehead, and finally stop claiming that he/she was an accident.
And THAT right there, will make you a wicked mom.
Wow…once again, I’m stunned with all I learned from an MSN article. I have to say though, it’s gonna be hard keeping all these “mom friends” straight, when I’m so busy having my 20 children. I’ll probably need new “mom friends” for each wave of kids, and it’s not like there won’t be an overlap. Hmmm…I’ll have to organize my “mom friends” with some kind of filing system: maybe I can use “mom friend-type” as the overall hierarchy, and then sort by racial background?
To be determined.
My plan for the year is to find a man, and make him become my husband.
them. Those babies were my little cousins, and I was often allowed to babysit them on my own (don’t ask me why…). I washed them in that little “baby-tub” thingy, I gingerly applied their butt-rash cream, and I always cleaned up their incessant amounts of poop (even when it was green and runny (PS: why do babies have green and runny poop sometimes? Or was it just my Incredible-Hulk-like cousins who had this affliction?))
