SUPER-Embarrassing Moment #2: Wax On, Wax Off

Sometimes I totally “get” what Michael Jackson was preachin’.

Uhhh…allow me to explain…

It’s just the whole “young at heart” thing, you know?  The Peter Pan-obsession, the backyard amusement park, the slumber parties with 8-year olds, that Wacko-Jacko knew how to “young it up”…

 

I wish I had taken a similar crack at life, but instead, I find myself lamenting my shattered youth.  I often look back at that point in my life, where I realized that things weren’t as simple as punching boys, playing tag, and being a princess. 

Eventually I had ”the moment”, where I knew that it was time to grow up…

This happened in 1993, a.k.a. age 12…

….As a girl of 12, I was grubby, fashion-backwards, and all about the ”recess”; I coulda stayed like that forever.

In reality though, nature had no room for perpetual”grub”.  If anything, age 12 was the year of “the changes“, and if I looked close enough, I could see it all around me: girls were getting curvier, prettier, and more and more groomed by the minute.

When I first caught wind of “Project Groom”, I was huddled in the stuffy girls’ locker-room, slowly un-doing my button-fly jeans.  I noticed two girls in the spotlight, giggling and showing off their legs, which were–OMG–totally hairless.  Everyone approached them to cop a quick feel.  A flurry of questions followed: Did you shave? Did you wax? Did you ask your mom? Do you feel like a woman? 

Fascination turned into emulation: a week later, 90% of the chicks were going hairless.

And then there was me…

Now I wouldn’t exactly call myself a “wooly mammoth”, but being that I was ethnic and dark-haired, well…you know the stereotype, i.e. I was hairy and it showed mother-fuckers!!!

So with everyone else silky-smooth, I was now the very-hairy minority; it’s like it suddenly wasn’t cool to be a “furry forest friend”, wtf?

Let’s just say that one is a lonely number, so I needed to join the masses. 

But wait: there was a massive road-block to my womanly development:

-My mom

I would so NOT be having the “woman-to-woman” chat with my mom.  The reality was, I came from a very strict family; in MY house, any desire to be feminine was seen as a wish to “tramp-ify” (I’m almost certain that even today, my mom would prefer me as a large ungroomed a-sexual, who wears a sack and suffers from head-lice).

So with the “heart-to-heart” option out the window, if was time to get a little sneaky… 

I needed some grooming supplies, STAT.

Trouble was, I was deathly afraid of snooping in my parents’ room.  Their entire room had that whole “if you even breathe in here, we’ll know” kinda vibe. 

So that left my older sister’s room, but knowing that she was gross, poorly socialized and ugly, I was more or less shit-out-of-luck.

So what was left?

Well…I had recently seen an ad on this ”waxy sugaring paste”, which could painlessly remove all your hair, and for weeks at a time!

Yo, sign me up!

Enter road-block #2:

-My disposable income was a whole lotta “zero” (I solved that problem years later, when I began to “whore-out” in exchange for gold coins…)

In the absence of cash, it was time to get resourceful.

And the resource?

My genius-brown-girl math skills (shut up, it’s all I had at the time).

Here’s the equation I invented:

sugaring paste = sticky and orange, which = the look and feel of honey, which = widely available in my kitchen cupboard.

And with that, I was off to the races!

So one Sunday night, I stole a jar of honey, took off my pants, and pretty much went to town:

-Apply honey across calf, cover with a strip of cloth (i.e. a cut up piece of t-shirt), and…PULL BACK!…………………………..umm……………………..”presto”???

Yeah…so that didn’t really work…

I was naturally confused, ’cause who says you can’t replace one sugary substance for another?  I mean I may have only been 12, but mathematically, the theory seemed rock solid…

I made a few more attempts (on my thigh, on my arm, on my foot (don’t ask)), but again, NOTHING!

Well, since I’m pretty much the type who gives up VERY quickly, I scrapped “Project Groom” and decided to go “naturel“,  for basically the next few years.

This meant a couple of things for me:

A: Not having a boyfriend

B: Being totally mortified in gym class, where I was forcibly put into shorts (with the alternative being a locker-room-rape, at the hands of our lesbian-teacher).

So yeah, call it ”super-embarrassment”, slow-moving (but no less de-bilitating) style.

Years later, I got myself a job (a.k.a. a disposable income), and AT LAST I became a girl!

Too little too late?

I await the jury’s response…

Wicked MSN Article: How to Score That Elusive FIRST DATE…

So lately I feel like I’ve been doing you all a dis-service…

Indeed, when was the last time I didn’t write a post that was all like: “oooh, look what happened to ME in my boring-ass life?” or “oooh, let me tell you about this TV show I saw, which you could have easily watched for yourselves!”.

Now while I won’t necessarily stop doing that (haha), I’ve been phoning it in a bit too much.  Quite frankly, I’m lucky you’re all still reading, so it’s time to give something back.

And on that note, it’s been a while since I helped people out, more specifically, the single people.

Sooo…how’s it going…“single people”?

I’m gonna assume that things aren’t super-great, ’cause they sure as hell ain’t good for me (which is crazy, ’cause I’m pretty much totally awesome (yeah, seriously)).  I mean it’s 2007, and the “dating world” is constantly evolving.  The way I see it, there’s a quick-fix for everything these days: a cream to make your face all pretty, a surgery to make your ass all tiny, a cologne to make every chick wanna bang you, etc. etc. etc.  With all these ways to transform us into sexy “meat”, there’s an ego-driven logic that inevitably follows: “I am “X” amount better, so now I’m good enough to reject “X” more people…”

So with the world doubled-over in ego-based rejections, how is anyone ever hooking up?  And what about the ones who don’t even have a bag of tricks? Yes, what about all those guys and gals, shamefully huddled in the reject-pile, in a constant state of cramped-up masturbation?

WHO is willing to help?

ROMI is willing to help (a.k.a “Romi with the help of MSN”, and yet another gem of an article ).

So in recognition of lonely singles with hand-cramps, MSN has called their best into action: one expert-dude, and one expert-chick.

Each has offered a list of sure-fire tips: i.e. the BEST ways to proposition a wicked-ass piece of meat, and make sure you get a YES! :-)

Since you know I’m a girly-girl chicka, I’m gonna say LADIES FIRST, so here they are: your tips from “MSN-Expert-Guy”, on how to score that sexy prince charming (see article) 

HOW TO ASK A GUY OUT:

#1: Be Direct

-It may sound simple, but listen, how many times do us bitches leave it up to the dudes, when it comes to ”connecting the dots”?  I mean yeah, it’s fun to be coy, and aloof, and stand-offish, but look at us: are we Jessica Alba? are we Meg Ryan (before she got all stringy-haired and old)? NO, we are a bunch of loney-ass bitches, so it’s time to stop playing games.

-Here is an example:

-If you’re looking to bang your co-worker, DO NOT say this: “soooo….do you wanna grab some Thai food for lunch?”  As fun as that may sound, the bang-intention is very unclear.

-And here is what you SHOULD SAY: “Do you wanna come over to my house tonight? I’ll make you dinner, and then we’ll do that “baby-makin’” dance, ’cause I’ve been hearing it’s a lotta fun”.

-And THAT=success!

#2: Be In-Direct

-Though it seems like an obvious contradiction to point #1, every situation is different.  You see sometimes, a dude has a maturity level of a 12-year-old (WHAT???), and he likes to hear some good buzz, before he’ll even consider giving you a date.  In situations like this, you need to revert to “high-school in the 80′s”-mode.  For example, get your best girlfriend to ask him if he “like-likes” you.  If you don’t have any girlfriends to speak of, then send him a note with check-boxes (example: “ check the box that says “YES” if you wanna get naked with me”, “or check the box that says “MAYBE” if you wanna get naked with me when I lose 20 pounds…and get a new face“)

 Okay then.

#3: Come Up With a Plan

-This is similar to point #1 (wow, this expert-dude is really smart eh?), but in this case, you have to make sure you have a “plan” for the date.  Asking a dude out for coffee “sometime” is vague; seriously, stop being so vague already!  Instead, ask a guy if he wants to accompany you on an afternoon of “chasing butterflies, picking flowers, making decorative pottery, and holding hands” (you only need to add the holding-hands part if you are a slut).  No dude would ever say no to that plan, so rock on .

#4: Don’t Over-Plan

-Again, an apparent contradiction to the last point, but please, stay with me…As much as it’s nice to set-the-stage for a wonderful “lovey-dovey” date, you DON’T want to go all “Fatal Attraction” on his ass (says the article).  Like even if you want to bake him cookies with smiley-faces, and knit him colorful sweaters, and show up randomly at his work with “picnic-lunches”, and tie-him up and shit, don’t tell him that just yet.  Keep it cool ladies, keep it cool.

#5: Don’t Come On Too Strong

This is in fact the same as the previous point, but it needs to be re-iterated, ’cause girls have that freaky-ass psycho-switch… .

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Alright then ladies, memorize those tips and use them wisely, ’cause one of them is bound to work for you! (disclaimer: if you are repulsive in any way shape or form, Romi/MSN are not responsible for your results).

And now it’s time for the dudes to learn some stuff, so ENTER the MSN expert-chick.  Expert-chick came up with a much longer list (see article), ’cause dudes are generally idiots, so they definitely need more help (and also, girls tend to ramble much more when they write….WHAT??? ) .

HOW TO ASK A WOMAN OUT:

#1: DO Be Straightforward

-This relates back to the same problem chickas have: being aloof is BAD.  Just tell her that you wanna do weird stuff to her with the lights out (or on), ’cause how the hell can she mis-interpret that???

#2: DON’T Ask Her Out Via Email

-If you are one of those socially-retarded dudes, you know…the type who only contacts girls via email (WHO the hell would do that???), you are definitely shit-out-of-luck.  Seriously, email is the bloody-gladiator-arena of rejection; STAY AWAY.  I may sound a little dramatic, but when you’re not making your conquests in “real-time”, you’re much more likely to get the boot.   Just make sure you’re face-to-face…in an alley or something (potentially carrying a weapon), and THEN ask her out.  The intimidation will lead to an automatic yes .

#3: DO Look Her in the Eyes And Smile When You Ask Her

-Ammendment to the last point: when you’re in that alley, intimidating your chick, make good eye-contact with your sultry pupils, and possibly smile for 3 or 4 seconds (so she doesn’t get too scared and start wailing…friggin’ girls and all that crying, what’s up with that?).

#4: DON’T Pass the Buck to Her

-This one is simple; girls don’t wanna do the work.  Please do it for us, and maybe we’ll show up.  Thanks.

#5: DO Practice Your Cool, Can-Do Tone

-This one is SOOO important: please, PLEASE don’t get so nervous that you sound like a pre-teen boy in the midst of developing his “man-voice”.  Seriously, NO nervous voice-cracking!!!

#6: DON’T Be Vague

-This is an important re-iteration of point #1: tell it to her softly (but boldly), LIKE THIS: “I want to be your sexy-boy-toy-lover-face”.  You don’t have to use those exact words, but I’m assuming that this is how guys would normally woo (???)…

#7: DO Knock It Out of the Park With Originality

-This one sounds pretty interesting, and that’s probably because it’s VERY important.  Every girl has been to dinner and a movie (yawn, yawn, yawn!), so how about trying something new?  Tell her that you’d like to rent-out a Jewelry store, so she can pick-out 10 different items of her choice (this is a guaranteed yes, ’cause girls like jewels ).

#8: DO Make It Clear It’s a Date With ONE Specific Phrase

-And FINALLY, the MOST important beginning to ANY “ask-her-out” phrase: “Can I take you out to “blank”? Once you start any date-request with “Can I take you out to“, the girl will feel instantly comfortable, since “Can I take you out to“ tells the girl that HE is paying.  This is BY FAR the most comfortable scenario, ’cause guys should pay for everything all the time, and meanwhile, we’ll look pretty and wash your clothes.

Okay then.

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(disclaimer: if you are only an “okay-looking” dude (or less) who doesn’t have any money, Romi/MSN are not responsible for your results).

And there you have it, some amazing tips on how to stop getting rejected.  I hope that all you single people start making some solid progess.

In the long run, I anticipate many success-stories resulting from these stellar tips.  Once you realize that your life turned around from this article, feel free to send me your letters of passionate thanks and devotion .