SUPER-Embarrassing Moment #1: Fruit Punch Anyone?

So my therapist and I were on the phone the other day (both of us shirtless and eating cake), and we were brainstorming new and creative ways to “flush out the crazy”.  He suggested a useful little trick: to browse through my thoughts, and extract my most embarrassing moments. 

It’s almost like a ”trust exercise”, between myself and…myself?

And that brings me to a brand new 5-part series:  My SUPER-Embarrassing Moments. 

Today I’ll begin with Moment #1 (note: “#1″ is not a ranking, this is simply one of the worst…..)

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I was 9 years old. 

A clever and plucky young girl, I was a few short years from womanhood.  Indeed, it was the “Spring” of my life, and appropriately enough, this story unfolds at the cusp of a Canadian Spring…

***

It was my favourite day of the school year: FIELD TRIP!

Destination=”Maple-Syrup Forest”

Objective=”Learn about the production of Canada’s SWEETEST nectar” (no not Celine Dion)

…As I left my house that morning, I put on a big pair of rubber boots, as it was rainy and muddy outside.

When we arrived at the forest, I began my “foresty” stroll, trailing away from the class now and then, examining buckets of sap; it was cool.

After three long hours of ”sap observations”, it was time for a giant lunch. I was feeling extremely parched, so I had 6 glasses of punch with my meal. I was smart enough to hit up the bathroom “post-meal”, but come on…6 glasses of punch right? Right…

As the afternoon wore on, I was all wrapped up in the “syrup-production-process”.  In other words, the cries of my bladder went completely unnoticed.

And later, when the teachers made “last call” for the bathroom (i.e. last opportunity to take a piss/take a dump/jerk off (if you were old enough)), again I was distracted (so busy I was eating wads of “maple candy” that we had gotten at the “Maple Syrup Gift Shoppe”…if you think that I’m joking, you are SO wrong).

So I made my way to my friend, and we strolled on over to her mother’s car (and yes, though I called her “friend”, I’m pretty sure that she called me “hovering/needy/weird kid”, but anyway, details, details..).  I was glad that her mom had been assigned to “car-pool” instead of mine, since my mommy-dearest would’ve likely scared the children (what with her harsh broken English, and Indian-snake-charming powers…let’s just say she’s an acquired taste, okay?).

So I took my seat in the back, and settled right in for a cozy ride home; Enough syrup-talk for one day, I thought, time to go home.

About 10 minutes into the drive, I felt the urge…

It was time,

to take,

A PISS.

And not just an “evening dribble” mind you, oh no, I’m talking about a massive pee-surge, of Niagara-Falls-like proportions.

Hmm…too bad I was sitting in a car, RIGHT?  No toilet or bucket or metal bowl or plastic bag in sight; what to do?

I was feeling extremely nervous, so I decided to look out the window.  As far as I could see, not a rest-stop in sight, just one Maple tree after another.  There was no way in hell I was about to take a piss behind a tree, all savage-like and whatnot (I pride myself on being prim and proper), so I decided to go with plan: “shut the hell up”, a.k.a…HOLD IT IN.

This master plan fell apart within…5 minutes.

A.K.A…..YO, I totally pissed my pants!!!

The worst part was, I wasn’t just standing in a corner, inflicting pissy harm on no one but myself (which I often do and am totally fine with).  Instead, I was sitting down awkwardly, in somebody’s clean upholstered car!! And GET THIS: the upholstery was light gray, so obviously my dark pissy-puddle would show up on the seat.

Now listen, I was pretty new to swearing at the tender age of 9 (as opposed to now…fuckers), but this was one of those times where the girly little voice inside my head screamed out: “FUUCCCKKK!”

Yeah.

Since there was nothing I could do to stop the steady stream, I just let all the pee slowly trickle down my thighs, as it darkened my jeans and landed in a puddle, secured by my impenetrable rubber boots.

When we finally arrived back at school, my heart was beating lightning-fast.  I thought to myself: is there any way to escape the car, WITHOUT my friend’s mom checking out the nasty puddle? (’cause honestly, I didn’t care about sloshing around in my piss-filled boots; all I wanted was a swift escape!)

As luck (or bad luck) would have it, her mom actually opened the car door to let me out.  I removed myself from the car as gingerly as possible (hoping to minimize the “sloshing” sound of all the piss in my boots).  I managed to get out, but suddenly I saw her expression change…she had spotted it: the dark circle of piss, clouding an otherwise gleaming back-seat.

My friend’s bewildered mom didn’t even say a word.  She simply stared at me, in an almost “I feel sorry for this mal-adjusted homeless child” kinda way.

This stare-down lasted only seconds, but it was one of the most mortifying “time stands still” experiences of my life.

ANY-HOO,  it was the end of the day, which meant I didn’t even have to go back to class.  So I turned on my heel, thanked my friend’s mom for the ride, and slowly but surely walked my ass home, one sloshy step at a time.

And that’s why you should never EVER drink more fruit punch than you can handle…or something…shudder.

The History of Maple Syrup (and Evolution)

You know what the best is?

Seemingly boring news stories, that really make you THINK.

For example, if you had read a story about a Melting Glacier in Canada That Revealed Some Ancient Tree Stumps, wouldn’t it make you think?

It sure as hell made ME think, and so I did….

Alright then…what exactly were these “ancient tree stumps” all about, before they became those sad little stumps?  Were they big-ass trees that offered some shade to yesterday’s cavemen?  Or were they row-upon-row of Maple trees, used to procure the very first maple syrup?

And BY THE WAY, who the hell invented maple syrup? 

As a proud Canadian and devout maple syrup addict, I should probably know the answer…

As it is, I’m clueless…so I wonder: where does the story of “Canada’s Strongest Elixir” begin?

I suppose I could just “Wikipedia” that shit and find out in 30 seconds, but I’m very suspicious of the Internet, and all its various “facts”.  I’m also very suspicious of agreed-upon “history” in general, as well as anything that’s written in supposed “historical” texts.  As a healthy alternative, I allow my brain to conjure up a special version of things…MY version. 

If you don’t know what I mean, then allow me to explain….

 The Story of Maple Syrup (and Humans)

Thousands of years ago, the world was crawling with hunched-over-bushy-browed cavemen.  Cavemen were very unattractive, and they didn’t really know how to smile: (see Exhibit A)

Exhibit A (feel free to ignore the word “help” in the background)

I know what you’re thinking: “were ALL the cavemen as sad and angry and ugly as this one?”

The answer is YES.

But why? And how did things change?

That’s a good question; how did “yesterdays’ human”  evolve, to bring us the refined and beautiful creatures we know today? (see Exhibit B)

Exhibit B (refined beauty)

To be honest, the “evolution jive” was NOT an easy process. 

Here’s the thing: the fastest way for organisms to evolve is to have lots of sex, so they can have lots of “organism babies”, who then grow up to have lots and lots of babies too.  Overall, the more “organism babies” that are born, the lower the incidence of “deformed incestuous babies” (resulting from “sibling-sex”)…hence…evolution  .

But like I said, “evolution” wasn’t easy: seriously, how do cavemen/women woo one another, when they happen to resemble Exhibit A? 

What they need is an aphrodisiac, and that’s exactly what they found, a long, long time ago…

(back to my story)…One day, a couple of ugly cavemen were engaging in a conflict, “grunting-style” (something about who ate the last human drumstick).  The two ugly cavemen started fighting, and eventually one of them was pushed right into a tree.  As the ugly caveman picked himself up, he noticed a clear shiny liquid, dripping right onto his forehead (GROSS!)

“What’s that?”, he grunted.

Confusion was abundant.

The cavemen eventually concluded that the tree was a source of water.  They carried some buckets of the ”water” back into the cavemen-village (they’d be heroes!).

They soon started boiling the water (to kill any contaminants), and that’s when they had their revelation: the “water” started bubbling, turning all brown and thick.

What was happening?

One of the cavemen grabbed the nearest spoon and gave himself a taste.  THIS was his reaction (see Exhibit C)

Exhibit C:” Uh-Oh, I think I have a new addiction!”

The two ugly cavemen were SUPER happy with the “brown stuff”, and they started to add it to everyone’s meals (i.e. raw zebra, elephant husks, and tiger feet…oh yeah, did I mention that I’m referring to cavemen who lived in what we now call Canada?  Okay good ) .

Despite all the delicious ways to enjoy a good scoop of the “brown stuff”, the cavemen STILL weren’t having enough sex.  And for those who were knocking boots, it was pretty much the “brother/sister” thing.  

So how would all the incest stop?…How would the humans finally evolve?

How you say? 

ENTER the Slutty-Cave-Girl-Wife  . 

Slutty-Cave-Girl-Wife was eating the brown stuff one day (the maple syrup), when she accidentally poured some on her arm; she immediately felt a warm and comforting sensation, so she didn’t wipe it off.  When she arrived home that night, her brother (husband) sniffed her out right away.  He liked what he was smelling, so he did her one better (i.e. he lathered himself in the syrup, and then he ravished her). 

Slutty-Cave-Girl-Wife was very impressed with the turn of events.  Instead of carrying on with her brother though, she visited every cave-hut around, lathering herself in syrup, as a preface to some “hot relations”. 

Through all her “planted flags”, Slutty-Cave-Girl-Wife birthed 15  babies in the next 3 years.

These babies grew up to have more babies, who then grew up to have more babies..etc..etc..etc..  Eventually, the humans were no longer “sleeping with the enemy” (a.k.a. immediate family members), and humanity evolved…yay!  

And to think, this never would’ve happened if it weren’t for Maple Syrup…who would’ve thought?

Yeah…I love boring news stories, ’cause they really do make me think…