Why Arranged Marriages ROCK—The Top Ten Quotes That Swayed Me

This post is blazing right out of me, and much like diarrhea, I ain’t gonna fight it.

My name is Romi, and I am of Indian descent (not the “casino” kind, but the “elephants/saris/cab-drivers” kind).

My parents were born in India, but I popped out of mother’s vagina HERE—in beautiful syrupy Canada.  This basically means a couple of things:

#1: My parents expect me to be a nice little Indian girl, like the ones from their native tribe

#2: I’ve spent my whole life being influenced by Western culture (sometimes for better, sometimes for worse)

The most important thing I can do in life, is marry some Indian dude, with super-wicked stats (lotsa money, good family, good genes, good values).  Once this is done, I can turn into an ethnic baby-making-machine, thus fulfilling my spicy destiny.

Since my parents don’t understand/believe in dating (as they associate it with sluts/white people (…sorry) ), my future will come in the form of an arranged marriage (like this one below).

 (look how happy they seem…is that how my future will be?)

Now since I’m already 26, the clock is ticking loudly (side-note: according to “brown years”, my ovulation days will be over by age 28).

All this pressure is making me very nervous.  If anything, I’ve always considered myself to be a passionate, free, and open-minded person; so why all these restrictions?

I just don’t get the “arranged marriage” concept, or at least…I didn’t get it. 

That’s right people, the winds have finally changed, and it’s all because of THIS.  It’s a touching anecdote, where an Indian woman tells me her story, and here it is in a nutshell: she grew up in India, she was “chosen” by some rich-ass Indian/American, she married him on the 3rd meeting, she banged him (awesome), she moved to Manhattan, and she lived happily ever after.

Wow.

If that’s not enough, she left me with a bunch of inspiring quotes. 

So here they are: The Top Ten quotes on why I should get ”arranged” (complete with my enthusiastic reactions ).

(once you’ve read them, tell me what you think: Should Romi get an arranged marriage?  Should you?)

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Why Arranged Marriages ROCK—The Top Ten Quotes That Swayed Me

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#10:  There was something about his demeanor, his soft, lilting voice, and the pleasing way he interacted with my family — frankly, we all fell for him.

I am ALL about my family falling for my dude.  That’s right, “familial orgies”; complete with high tea, soft whispers, and baby oil.  Yeahhhh…..

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#9:  One week later, his mother called my mother, and by the end of the phone call, we were engaged.

You mean…we can get our moms to propose for us? That is SUCH a weight off my shoulders; seriously, I am NOT very good at talking to dudes directly; thanks mom!

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#8:  Shouts and hugs were exchanged throughout the neighborhood — you’d have thought I’d won an Olympic gold medal.

I’ve always felt a void in my life, saying to myself: “I think I’m happy in my life, but am I making my neighbours happy too? What do they want?”  Well now I know how to make their dreams come true; Olympic medals all around!

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#7:  On my wedding night, a sense of calm finally washed over me, as I made my leap from bride to wife (armed with the Kama Sutra, which my cousins had downloaded onto my PDA as a gift).

I have always been nervous about having “relations”, but if marrying a dude of my parents’ choice means a downloaded copy of the “Kama Sutra”, I say “YES”!  A thousand times yes!

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#6:  I eyed his walk-in closet, courageously moving his suits into a smaller armoire. Judging from what remained, I had married an avid golfer, skier, and board-game player.

I like surprises, and nothing would surprise me more than finding out my husband’s hobbies AFTER we get married.  Five points for mystery!

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#5:  My husband bought me fashionable, sometimes sexy clothes, and we tested each others’ boundaries.

I have never worn sexy clothes before; I’m excited for my husband to buy me some.

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#4:  It was just like dating, only we were already married.

Why didn’t I realize this before?  It’s all the joys of dating, but you never have to go into “why won’t he call me?”-mode, ’cause you’ll already have him ”locked-in-for-life”.  Sucka!

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#3:  Slowly, I was getting to know my husband, even starting to fall in love with him.

WHAT!??!?! Does this chick mean to tell me I can “fall in LOVE” with my arranged marriage!?!?!?  Do you know what that means for a hopeless romantic like me???  WOW, arranged marriage = “You’ve Got Mail”…I am SOOO friggin’ excited

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#2:  Although my husband doesn’t always agree with his opinionated and selectively liberated wife, he openly expresses his love

I’ve only ever been interested in being “selectively” liberated (all of you already know this); so if I can be THAT, and still find a man who expresses his love, then colour me ecstatic!

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#1:  I discovered that having an arranged marriage was a great icebreaker, and my social circle mushroomed each time I retold my story.

Okay, THAT right THERE puts it over the top.  Honest to goodness, nothing means more to me than expanding my circle of friends, so if I can attract the masses by telling the world how I “married a stranger”, then sign-me-fucking-up!

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Alright then, if you’re reading this Mom and Dad, I’m ready; now get your asses to MarriageExpress.com, and find me a frickin’ prince!!

 

Sunday Musings: My Future Billionaire “90-Something” Hubby…

“Hmmm…” of the day

It’s been a cold and overcast Canadian kinda weekend; in times like these, I’m extremely likely to huddle up in bed with my laptop, hooded sweatshirt, and a steaming cup of tea.

My favorite thing to do is “catch up on the world”, and if you know me at all, you know that I visit ONE central hub—the place with all my news, life advice, and startling consumer reports…

MSN.com

This time around, I wasn’t in search of advice…nope, just a casual afternoon of Internet browsing (first stop: MSN, next stop: nakedmen.com; just a regular day with Romi…)

As I was browsing MSN, I found something very unexpected: an online sea of super-old men, sporting some giant and over-stuffed wallets.

More specifically, MSN had put together a showcase: OLD-ASS BILLIONAIRE MEN

I was immediately intrigued, so I continued on for more.  In doing so, I came across the profile/pics of the OLDEST Billionaire dudes in the universe.

And of course, this led me to the question: “Does single (increasingly hopeless) Romi give a damn about age? And, is there even enough money in the world, to convince our pal Romi to hump an “almost-corpse”?”

Hmmm…

If I had a straight answer for that, this post would have never been written.

To be honest, the whole “money/age” issue continues to be a hot topic, not only in my mind, but also in society.  A few weeks ago for example, my friend A-Hole laid out all the facts, and tossed the old dude/young chick “age apprehension” right out the window.  And then there was my other friend Paul, who recently uncovered an opposite trend: old-ass Billionaire WOMEN hunting down sweet-ass boy-toys.

So where does that leave ME?

I think it’s awesome that old-ass women can buy themselves fresh-faced “man-boys”.  It’s a revolution!  On the other hand, I’m not very likely to be “career-focused” for the next 60 years, and/or acquire a massive fortune, soooo….it’d be nice to meet a dude who already had it .  And while I LOVE the idea of jewels and cash, even I have my limits, when it comes to cozying up with old dudes and their OLD balls. 

So with a cluttered mind and material disposition, I sat and stared at this list: Romi’s Potential Future Husbands (sidenote: any/all of these men might already be married, but I am extremely confident in my seductive/home-wrecking abilities)

	Age	Net worth	Country
John Simplot	98	$3.6 billion	United States
Walter Haefner	97	$4.3 billion	Switzerland
Saleh Al Rajhi	95	$4.4 billion	Saudi Arabia
Maersk Mc-Kinney Møller	94	$1.8 billion	Denmark
Hugo Mann	94	$2.7 billion	Germany

This list is ordered BY OLDEST to youngest (“youngest” being the most convenient term available, though completely inappropriate).  And the question is: “which one of these dudes can I marry/bed without feeling the urge to throw up?”

Well let me break it down for you, one “old rich dude” at a time…

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#1: John Simplot: Age=98; Net Worth=$3.6 BILLION…

 Though the oldest of the bunch, John Simplot has a winning smile and a zest for life (see cowboy hat).  They call him “potato man” for being the supplier of French fries for McDonald’s restaurants.  I think it’s really sexy that he helps America’s fast-food dreams come alive.  The greyness of his teeth suggest that he may still possess some original “pearlies”.  According to my scientific analysis, old men who still have teeth from when they were “young men” will likely possess some other “skills”/traits from when they were “young men”.  This bodes very well for a potential “passionate” courtship…

#2: Walter Haefner: Age=97; Net Worth=$4.3 BILLION…

Walter Haefner may be 97, but with those soft cherry lips and that smooth orange forehead, he doesn’t look a day over 89.  A native Swissman with a bevy of earthly delights (see earlier comments on lips/forehead, as well as current comment on soft eyebrows), Walter made his fortune through computer systems and stuff (I don’t know what kind of computers they had in the 1800′s, but it’s not my place to ask questions).  I don’t really care how he got the money, but I DO care that he likes to collect cars, and breed horses.  I can already see us riding our horses off into the sunset, as a warm-up event to riding each other…

#3: Saleh Al Rajhi: Age=95; Net Worth=$ 4.4 BILLION…

 Okay…WTF?  What is up with Saleh Al Rajhi not even having a profile pic?  And I love how the “substitute” pic is the shadow of some well-built man with his hands in his pockets all suave-like…  Like seriously, THAT’S the best artistic rendering of a 95-year old man?  All this means is that Saleh must be in a BAD kinda way; like is he…wheelchair-bound? Is he…hooked up to some tubes and lying in a hospital bed?  Is he…in a constant drool-like state? (yuck).  Though I’m initially very grossed out, Saleh has the advantage of having the MOST money out of all these dudes.  For that and that alone, I will keep him in the running.

#4. Maersk Mc-Kinney Moller: Age=94; Net Worth=$1.8 BILLION…

Maersk has the least amount of money out of all the top 5 dudes.  That said, my initial reaction is to be repulsed.  Despite my material instincts,  there’s something warm and sweet in those tired, foggy-ass eyes.  He might’ve been a poet once, and I wouldn’t put it past him to read me some lovely sonnets, as I cradle him in bed.  What can I say, I’m a hopeless romantic, so Maersk stays on the list…

#5: Hugo Mann: Age=95; Net Worth=$2.7 BILLION…

Yet again, I’m disappointed by the default profile pic.  Without that picture, his appearance could be ALL kinds of wrong.  And he doesn’t even have the most money! That’s right, this German mogul is chugging along with a mere $2.7 billion. That’s almost TWO billion less than bachelor #3!  Sorry Hugo, you’re out…

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So there you have it, my 5 (or 4) possible husbands.  Now obviously this isn’t a snap-decision, because we’re talking about offering my hand in marriage, and that’s, you know…KIND OF a big deal!  It’s the rest of my life we’re talking about…orrr…it’s the next 4-5 years we’re talking about, depending on when these bastards kick the bucket…But still, 4-5 years is a LONG time, and I don’t wanna ever look back and think “what might’ve been with Salek”, if I ultimately go with Maersk…hmmm…

So before I offer up my mind, body and soul, I’m gonna take some time, and weigh the pros and cons. 

In the meantime, I welcome your thoughts and suggestions; seriously, who should Romi invite into the marital bed???

Wicked MSN Article: How to Score That Elusive FIRST DATE…

So lately I feel like I’ve been doing you all a dis-service…

Indeed, when was the last time I didn’t write a post that was all like: “oooh, look what happened to ME in my boring-ass life?” or “oooh, let me tell you about this TV show I saw, which you could have easily watched for yourselves!”.

Now while I won’t necessarily stop doing that (haha), I’ve been phoning it in a bit too much.  Quite frankly, I’m lucky you’re all still reading, so it’s time to give something back.

And on that note, it’s been a while since I helped people out, more specifically, the single people.

Sooo…how’s it going…“single people”?

I’m gonna assume that things aren’t super-great, ’cause they sure as hell ain’t good for me (which is crazy, ’cause I’m pretty much totally awesome (yeah, seriously)).  I mean it’s 2007, and the “dating world” is constantly evolving.  The way I see it, there’s a quick-fix for everything these days: a cream to make your face all pretty, a surgery to make your ass all tiny, a cologne to make every chick wanna bang you, etc. etc. etc.  With all these ways to transform us into sexy “meat”, there’s an ego-driven logic that inevitably follows: “I am “X” amount better, so now I’m good enough to reject “X” more people…”

So with the world doubled-over in ego-based rejections, how is anyone ever hooking up?  And what about the ones who don’t even have a bag of tricks? Yes, what about all those guys and gals, shamefully huddled in the reject-pile, in a constant state of cramped-up masturbation?

WHO is willing to help?

ROMI is willing to help (a.k.a “Romi with the help of MSN”, and yet another gem of an article ).

So in recognition of lonely singles with hand-cramps, MSN has called their best into action: one expert-dude, and one expert-chick.

Each has offered a list of sure-fire tips: i.e. the BEST ways to proposition a wicked-ass piece of meat, and make sure you get a YES! :-)

Since you know I’m a girly-girl chicka, I’m gonna say LADIES FIRST, so here they are: your tips from “MSN-Expert-Guy”, on how to score that sexy prince charming (see article) 

HOW TO ASK A GUY OUT:

#1: Be Direct

-It may sound simple, but listen, how many times do us bitches leave it up to the dudes, when it comes to ”connecting the dots”?  I mean yeah, it’s fun to be coy, and aloof, and stand-offish, but look at us: are we Jessica Alba? are we Meg Ryan (before she got all stringy-haired and old)? NO, we are a bunch of loney-ass bitches, so it’s time to stop playing games.

-Here is an example:

-If you’re looking to bang your co-worker, DO NOT say this: “soooo….do you wanna grab some Thai food for lunch?”  As fun as that may sound, the bang-intention is very unclear.

-And here is what you SHOULD SAY: “Do you wanna come over to my house tonight? I’ll make you dinner, and then we’ll do that “baby-makin’” dance, ’cause I’ve been hearing it’s a lotta fun”.

-And THAT=success!

#2: Be In-Direct

-Though it seems like an obvious contradiction to point #1, every situation is different.  You see sometimes, a dude has a maturity level of a 12-year-old (WHAT???), and he likes to hear some good buzz, before he’ll even consider giving you a date.  In situations like this, you need to revert to “high-school in the 80′s”-mode.  For example, get your best girlfriend to ask him if he “like-likes” you.  If you don’t have any girlfriends to speak of, then send him a note with check-boxes (example: “ check the box that says “YES” if you wanna get naked with me”, “or check the box that says “MAYBE” if you wanna get naked with me when I lose 20 pounds…and get a new face“)

 Okay then.

#3: Come Up With a Plan

-This is similar to point #1 (wow, this expert-dude is really smart eh?), but in this case, you have to make sure you have a “plan” for the date.  Asking a dude out for coffee “sometime” is vague; seriously, stop being so vague already!  Instead, ask a guy if he wants to accompany you on an afternoon of “chasing butterflies, picking flowers, making decorative pottery, and holding hands” (you only need to add the holding-hands part if you are a slut).  No dude would ever say no to that plan, so rock on .

#4: Don’t Over-Plan

-Again, an apparent contradiction to the last point, but please, stay with me…As much as it’s nice to set-the-stage for a wonderful “lovey-dovey” date, you DON’T want to go all “Fatal Attraction” on his ass (says the article).  Like even if you want to bake him cookies with smiley-faces, and knit him colorful sweaters, and show up randomly at his work with “picnic-lunches”, and tie-him up and shit, don’t tell him that just yet.  Keep it cool ladies, keep it cool.

#5: Don’t Come On Too Strong

This is in fact the same as the previous point, but it needs to be re-iterated, ’cause girls have that freaky-ass psycho-switch… .

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Alright then ladies, memorize those tips and use them wisely, ’cause one of them is bound to work for you! (disclaimer: if you are repulsive in any way shape or form, Romi/MSN are not responsible for your results).

And now it’s time for the dudes to learn some stuff, so ENTER the MSN expert-chick.  Expert-chick came up with a much longer list (see article), ’cause dudes are generally idiots, so they definitely need more help (and also, girls tend to ramble much more when they write….WHAT??? ) .

HOW TO ASK A WOMAN OUT:

#1: DO Be Straightforward

-This relates back to the same problem chickas have: being aloof is BAD.  Just tell her that you wanna do weird stuff to her with the lights out (or on), ’cause how the hell can she mis-interpret that???

#2: DON’T Ask Her Out Via Email

-If you are one of those socially-retarded dudes, you know…the type who only contacts girls via email (WHO the hell would do that???), you are definitely shit-out-of-luck.  Seriously, email is the bloody-gladiator-arena of rejection; STAY AWAY.  I may sound a little dramatic, but when you’re not making your conquests in “real-time”, you’re much more likely to get the boot.   Just make sure you’re face-to-face…in an alley or something (potentially carrying a weapon), and THEN ask her out.  The intimidation will lead to an automatic yes .

#3: DO Look Her in the Eyes And Smile When You Ask Her

-Ammendment to the last point: when you’re in that alley, intimidating your chick, make good eye-contact with your sultry pupils, and possibly smile for 3 or 4 seconds (so she doesn’t get too scared and start wailing…friggin’ girls and all that crying, what’s up with that?).

#4: DON’T Pass the Buck to Her

-This one is simple; girls don’t wanna do the work.  Please do it for us, and maybe we’ll show up.  Thanks.

#5: DO Practice Your Cool, Can-Do Tone

-This one is SOOO important: please, PLEASE don’t get so nervous that you sound like a pre-teen boy in the midst of developing his “man-voice”.  Seriously, NO nervous voice-cracking!!!

#6: DON’T Be Vague

-This is an important re-iteration of point #1: tell it to her softly (but boldly), LIKE THIS: “I want to be your sexy-boy-toy-lover-face”.  You don’t have to use those exact words, but I’m assuming that this is how guys would normally woo (???)…

#7: DO Knock It Out of the Park With Originality

-This one sounds pretty interesting, and that’s probably because it’s VERY important.  Every girl has been to dinner and a movie (yawn, yawn, yawn!), so how about trying something new?  Tell her that you’d like to rent-out a Jewelry store, so she can pick-out 10 different items of her choice (this is a guaranteed yes, ’cause girls like jewels ).

#8: DO Make It Clear It’s a Date With ONE Specific Phrase

-And FINALLY, the MOST important beginning to ANY “ask-her-out” phrase: “Can I take you out to “blank”? Once you start any date-request with “Can I take you out to“, the girl will feel instantly comfortable, since “Can I take you out to“ tells the girl that HE is paying.  This is BY FAR the most comfortable scenario, ’cause guys should pay for everything all the time, and meanwhile, we’ll look pretty and wash your clothes.

Okay then.

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(disclaimer: if you are only an “okay-looking” dude (or less) who doesn’t have any money, Romi/MSN are not responsible for your results).

And there you have it, some amazing tips on how to stop getting rejected.  I hope that all you single people start making some solid progess.

In the long run, I anticipate many success-stories resulting from these stellar tips.  Once you realize that your life turned around from this article, feel free to send me your letters of passionate thanks and devotion .

Wicked MSN Article: Love in the Modern Era…FEMBOTS! :-)

It seems like only yesterday, when I was hating men, feeling maternal, and scouting the list of sperm banks. 

“Give me 20 babies!” I cried, as I stared down coldly at my hibernating uterus.

Indeed, all I cared about was raising children and making sandwiches.

Well now it’s a brand new day, and guess what: I like boys again. 

I want to be in love please, but how do I make that happen?

I mean really, how do you woo a man in 2007? 

Is it as simple as: a hint of rouge here, a stuffed-bra there, and a trail of mom’s perfume, charting a course up my inner thigh?

By the way, those killer moves I just mentioned? That used to be my “triple-assault”, back in the 1990′s…I mean boyyyy did it score me some dong…

But hey, times have changed; I’m not 15 anymore. 

That’s right, I’m living in a brave new world, and after years of focusing on work, making “casseroles-for-one”, and reading classy periodicals, I ask myself: How do I get back in the game?

Well it’s a little scary to jump right into the mix, when you’re rockin’ dish-pan hands and a saggy ass. 

So with that in mind, I decided to do some research.

As I began this quest of mine, I was only in search of modern advice; something that would speak to “today’s woman”.  That said, my natural resource was Google.  After combing through an endless amount of superficial ”tip” lists (surely put together by street-corner hacks), I found what I was looking for.  It was…the mass merchant of life-advice…it was…MSN, with yet another wicked article :-) .

As much as I trust my Wicked MSN/Yahoo! life-advice, I was a little surprised by the title: Fembots: The New Breed of Woman. 

Huh? 

So basically, MSN was sayin’ that I should be a robot? Was it sayin’ that I needed steely eyes, and machine-gun boobs?  Did MSN want me to shut down my emotional cylinders, and play it” icy cool”?

This stood against everything I’d learned in 26 years of life; how could it be?

I mean really, I am the girl who will prance around my target in frilly skirts, whilst giggling flirtatiously, and never saying no.  I am the girl who will bake you cookies and ask about your day, and then feel sad if you don’t ask me about mine .  I am the girl who will pretend to like everything you like (up to and including the NFL, bass-fishing, and (ugh) golf), just so you’ll like me more.  I AM THE GIRL who will ask you to tell me the top 50 reasons why you think we’re “soul-mates”…yeah…I’m that girl…

At least I was “that girl”, ’cause according to the article, I had it all wrong!

Hmm…this MSN article seemed pretty damn confusing…but then I actually read it…

MY GOD did I learn a lot. 

Go on then reader, take my man-hand and clasp it in yours; let’s go on this journey together….

THE “HOWS” AND “WHYS” OF BEING A FEM-BOT (see article)

To kick things off:

-Celebrities are supporting “Fem-bot-ism”, so you should too.

 Examples:

-Sandra Oh’s character in Grey’s Anatomy:  This icy cold doctor doesn’t like hugging, but she LOVES her vibrator.

-Angelina Jolie: she sees no benefit in crying.

-Brooke Shields: she needs to get away from her kids pretty often, ’cause she doesn’t really like them.

Conclusions: Get a vibrator, don’t hug ANYONE, laugh at funerals, and if the topic of kids comes up, tell the guy you’d like some, but only on Mondays and Thursdays.

-Don’t Commit, Like Ever

-Once you’ve played it aloof for a good long while, the dude will start nesting (ugh).  Any time he mentions marriage, resist the urge to break out your “wedding scrapbook”.  In fact, burn the wedding scrapbook.  Instead, tell him that it’s “good for now”, but that you may feel differently later.

-This will freak the CRAP out of him.

-Result: He’ll probably buy you a car, and give you lots of massages.

-Good.

-Keep this up for 5-10 years…or forever.

-Important thing to note: as more time passes, you WILL get older, which means you’ll turn ugly and fat.  As this slowly starts to happen, the whole “I might leave you tomorrow, I might not” attitude won’t be as effective…“maybe I should leave HER”, he’ll wonder. 

-To stop this catastrophe dead in its tracks, get plastic surgery…early.

-It may sound extreme, but think about it: you take 10 years off your age…you add 10 years to your big strong “pimp hand”.  That’s pretty much the best equation ever, so don’t even bother fighting it.

-Shower your mate with de-grading comments

-One of the best ways to reel a guy in and keep him there, is to make him feel bad about himself.

-If he wants to cuddle, tell him to “lose the skirt” (direct quote from the article).

-If he says you look pretty in that dress, tell him that this ain’t the E! network, and that you don’t need his “Fashion 411″.  Also, tell him to stop acting like a gay fashion designer.

-If he suggests going to ANY kind of movie that isn’t a hardcore action flick (full of guns or bombs or knife-fights), call him a pussy.

-End Result:  your “man” will start to feel more and more inadequate, which will make him a lot more susceptible to “personality control”.  Muahahaha, you’re almost there…

-Get Rid of Lots of Friends

-This may seem a little un-necessary, but think about it: the more “life-long” friends you keep in the fold, the liklier you’ll be to go “soft”, via hugs, shared chocolate, and Sandra Bullock Film Fests.

-So ditch your friends please, one by one by one….

-Turn into the Terminator II Villain

-You might not have seen this in the article, but believe me, it’s in between the lines…

-Okay, so the last thing you have to do, is become like that robot-villain in Terminator II: Judgment Day

-He’s THIS guy:

-This terminator villain has a stand-out, super-cool feature:  he can meld with metal, walls, floors and other stuff.

-This is how it looks:

-Pretty cool huh?

-Here’s the best part about this all-important tactic: when your dude’s all alone at his place, watching TV, or showering, or on the toilet, do a “through the floor” pop-in!   It will scare him soooo much, and not because it’s scary that you’re walking through floors, but because it’s scary to know that you’ll catch him in the act, should he ever opt for a whore.

 -And by the way, I can’t really tell you how to do this “walking-through-floors” thing, ’cause it’s kinda like a super-power.  You either have it…or you don’t.  Good luck!

Wow, I feel so enlightened from that MSN column.  Seriously, I had NO idea that I could find and CAPTURE a man, simply by making him feel like a girl!

I wish I had known this when I was 15 (not that I didn’t enjoy myself…)

Alright then, time to flip the ol’ robot “bitch-switch”….time to score me some dong!

Wicked MSN Article: The 5 Friends ALL Moms Need…

Something’s been going on with me lately.  I think I’ve kinda lost that “special bounce” in my step ….The first time I ever had this feeling, a single thought kept racing through my mind: Why can’t I bounce like before? Did I break my Reebok Pumps?

Well I checked, and they’re as pump-alicious as ever.

So what’s been weighing me down?

I think it’s the uncertainty of the future, and the idea of getting older.  In troubled times like these, I just close my eyes and focus on my goals: What does Romi really want?

-Well…if I sweep away all the materialistic bullshit, the answer is very clear: I want children; lots and lots of precious children…like maybe 20?.  I don’t even care about finding a man…Seriously, these men-folk seem like WAY more trouble than they’re worth, what with their sports, and collared shirts, and weeknight whores…

 No, forget that. I just wanna be like Mother Goose, all warm and cuddly and mom-ish, that’s all I want.  I’ll prolly go to one of those sperm-bank thingys, so I can make my 20 children.  I’ll ask them to open a premium account, the kind that lets you make unlimited withdrawals.  Once I have my 20 children, I’ll take them to lots of picnics, so we can eat sandwiches and play badminton.  They’ll love me.

Well now that I’ve got my focus, no more feeling gloomy for this gal!

And now, onto business…(ahem)…So in preparation of being a proud (and fat) mother of 20, I guess I need to learn how to be a wicked mom.  Luckily for me, I found a ”Wicked MSN Article” with ALL the answers.  It basically tells you the secrets to becoming the best mom EVER (See Article).  And GET THIS: it’s not about having the nicest nursery, and it’s not about having the tastiest breast milk (though you wouldn’t hear any complaints).

In the end, it’s all about making the right mom friends, at the right time.

So without further delay, here they are: The 5 Friends that ALL Moms Need:

 #1) The Role Model: This one’s a mom-friend who’s already had a kid or two.  When it comes to her knowledge of babies, you need to USE AND ABUSE her.  It’s not just a matter of scoring some useful tips, it’s a matter of your baby’s safety.  Just think about it: if you don’t have a “role model mom”, how will you know that you shouldn’t drop your baby on the floor? Who’s gonna tell you not to tie-up your infant on a bike-rack, when you decide to go clubbing till closing time?  And what will prevent you from leaving your child in a crib full of cat litter and feces, if you just don’t know any better?  In summary:  if you don’t find a “role model mom” for your baby, you’ll probably end up killing it.  So GET ONE.

 #2) The Twin:  So it’s been a few months, and you haven’t killed your newborn.  This means:

A: Congratulations!

and

B: it’s time to get yourself a “mom twin” friend.  

You and this “mom twin” are sharing that “new baby” life-stage, so you’ll probably end up meeting at one of those ”new-mom cults”.  You’ll both have a lot in common, so guess what: you’ll be bosom buddies in no time!  Speaking of bosoms, the article states that you and “mom twin” can talk about special “mom things”, that no one else really cares about, like your sore nipples, for example (I can’t verify this, but the article says that new moms get sore nipples…). 

Once you and “mom twin” spend 3 hours talking about your sore nipples, you’ll probably end up making-out, at the very least.  If you just raised an eyebrow from reading that (or something else, you dirty-male readers), don’t be too shocked, ’cause this is pretty standard.  Think about it: you’re not “gettin’ any” at home, ’cause you’re way too disgusted by your post-baby body (with good reason…I mean look at you! ugh…).  In other words, you refuse to put-out.  To add to the problem, “daddy” won’t come near you either, since you’re still super-fat from the pregnancy (not to mention that your “hoo-ha” has gotten alll mangled and such, from the physical trauma of giving birth).  That said, you might as well take comfort in the jiggly fat arms of your “mom twin”.  So yeah, DEFINITELY get yourself a “mom twin”, and have some fun while you’re at it! :-)

#3) The-Spur-of-the-Moment-Coffee-Buddy: So now your baby’s a toddler, but  guess what: you’ve lost a lot of friends, ’cause being a mom has ruined your personality!  You’ve become a negative, lonely and buzz-kill type of mom.  “Role Model” mom thinks you complain too much, so she’s not gonna deal with your crap anymore.  “Mom twin” doesn’t wanna see you either, let alone make-out with you; you’re just not that into it like you used to be, she says…

With all this crap going on, what you need is an energetic mom, the free-spirited kind that will bring you great joy.  In order to find Mrs. Right, you HAVE to start stalking other moms.  Go to museums, hang out in parks, just keep your eyes peeled for chicks pushing strollers.  Once you’ve identified a desirable target, do that thing where you put some chloroform on a napkin, and smother the mom and the baby.  After transporting the passed out ”free-spirited mom” and her lump of a child to your house, tie them up in the basement and wait for them to stir.  Once mother and child are awake and ready to party, you’ll put on a mix-tape and feed them some onion rings.  You’ll be happy again, and this’ll quickly rub off on your child.  Another step towards becoming a better mom…

#4) The Rule Breaker:  Now that you’ve had your Prozac-dose of “free spirited mom”, you’re ready to toss her aside, and move on to something new.  Despite your apparent happiness, you still have a massive “mom ego”.  In order to keep things level, you’ve gotta find yourself a low-grade, “social services target” mom.  The more you hang out with a mom who swears in front of her kid, swears AT her kid, and beats the crap out of her kid, the more you’ll feel like you’re doing something right.  This air of self-satisfaction will teach your kids about the ways of the world.  Once they see the happiness that comes from thinking that you’re better than everyone else, they’ll know how to handle high school.  And that’s the greatest gift that a mother can give a child.

#5) The Best Friend’s Mom: As your little runt grows up, and finally starts making friends (God willing), you’ll probably get acquainted with your child’s best friend’s mom.  This is a key alliance that cannot be overlooked.  The fact is, your kid’s developing his/her life now, and you’re damn well eager to get back to yours.  So while you’re out scamming guys at pool halls, taking body shots, and wrestling nasty hangovers, “best friend’s mom” will be the one organizing sleepovers, carpooling the kids, and making lots of Kool-Aid.  This isn’t really a “win-win” situation, since you’re the one having all the fun, but hey, that’s “best friend’s mom”‘s fault, for not thinking of it sooner.

-And the FINAL friend a mom really needs: This one’s not included on the list, because she’s not really any kind of mom.  Nope, this final type of friend is a childless one.  “Childless single friend” will offer up a ton of perspective, on why being a mom is better than it seems.  You won’t feel enlightened at first, so you’ll have to be a little patient.  Here’s how it’ll work: As “childless single friend” gets older and older, her lonely childless life will seem more and more pathetic.  With enough exposure to her pitiful existence, you’ll remember why you even had a kid to begin with.  As you’re overcome with these ”loving mom” feelings, you’ll give your child a kiss on the forehead, and finally stop claiming that he/she was an accident. 

And THAT right there, will make you a wicked mom.

 Wow…once again, I’m stunned with all I learned from an MSN article.  I have to say though, it’s gonna be hard keeping all these “mom friends” straight, when I’m so busy having my 20 children.  I’ll probably need new “mom friends” for each wave of kids, and it’s not like there won’t be an overlap.  Hmmm…I’ll have to organize my “mom friends” with some kind of filing system: maybe I can use “mom friend-type” as the overall hierarchy, and then sort by racial background?

To be determined.