The “Age of Love” is over, so it’s time to stop hiding behind my gimmicky TV posts; it’s time to get…PERSONAL.
The last time I let you in my world, I was weighing the pros and cons of drinking shampoo.
A lot’s happened since then; I’m not even sure where to begin. Hmm…I just need to open my mind, and set myself free (like those women in the maxi-pad commericials, who do hurdles and jumping-jacks and shit…)…
Okay, so I just spent 5 minutes with my arms around my head, trying to think of what to write. While I was utterly lost in this sexy pose, I happened to catch sight of my upper-arms; they were SO close, right up next to my face…here’s what I noticed: they looked kind of fat or something.
This really can’t be true, ’cause it defies the logic of my Summer-time lifestyle.
The thing is, when Spring ’07 came to a close, I made a personal-pact: “spend Part 1 of the summer getting thinner and leaner, so I can spend Part 2 of the summer being hotter and sluttier”.
As of today, part 2 of the summer is almost done. I haven’t forgotten the plan or anything; in fact, I’ve been trying to be as hot and slutty as possible…so I ask the question: HOW could my upper-arms look fat?
Hmm…maybe I should review my successes/failures in the thinning process.
Well to start things off, I’m not a giant-porker or anything…I mean sure, I have a little junk here or there, but everyone needs a bit of that—I call it the “Care-Bear factor”, and anyone without it is a cold unfeeling slut. Of course, the “Care-Bear factor” is a seasonal thing, hence: nothing wrong with ditchin’ the ol’ bear suit for the summer!
So yeah, with a pretty decent starting point, all I had to do was lose maybe 10 or 20. If I could just reach that goal, I’d be strolling the boardwalks of Toronto, in my short-skirts, belly-tops, and high heels (without people saying ”that’s a WHOLE lotta wrong“). That’s all I really wanted; well that, and the ability to raise “anorexia concerns”. I know that may sound weird, but think about it: as soon as people start those nasty “eating disorder rumors”, you officially know that you’re skinny enough! 
So with the summer underway, I began my process, and took a few measures to ensure my success:
#1: I started eating Special K cereal. I’d seen all these commercials for the “Special K challenge”, and how you could basically lose weight just by eating their friggin’ cereal. In order to meet the “challenge”, you’re supposed to eat cereal for breakfast AND lunch. That’s a nice idea, but I wasn’t about to eat any friggin’ cereal for lunch. Instead, I started eating two bowls for breakfast (in additional to my regular lunch and dinner).
-After a couple of weeks, I wasn’t feeling too much thinner, which didn’t make any sense. While I was contemplating quitting the challenge, I saw a new commercial for Special K: In it, there’s this super-hot chick in a slutty red dress, and she’s eating a bowl of cereal at work. A couple of co-workers come along, and they immediately start harrassing her (about why she’s so fucking hot all of a sudden): “Oh my god, WHAT have you been doing?”; “TELL US your secret!”. The super-hot-chick plays it coy the WHOLE time; she giggles a bit, and finally gives a wink to her bowl of Special K.
So basically, eating Special K helped that girl turn SUPER hot, and it also gave her a mane of flowing long hair (an aspirational hair-do for many grown-up office workers, didn’t you know?). It also allowed her to wear slutty red dresses to work. Now I don’t wear slutty red dresses to work (fuchsia ones, occasionally), but the point of the commercial is as clear as Lindsay Lohan’s eyes (when she’s sober and drug-free; last reference: umm…circa age 13???): Special K makes you hot, woo-hoo!
It’s been a full 6 weeks since I started the Special K diet. I haven’t actually weighed myself, but it worked for the super-hot chick didn’t it?…Yeah, I’d probably say I’m 30% hotter (conservative estimate).
#2: I Started Belly Dancing. We all know that belly-dancing is ”SOOO hot right now”. It’s like the new “pilates” or whatever, and from all celebrity-accounts, it’s a lot more rigorous than it looks. Because of the mainstream “belly-dancing movement”, classes have been popping up all over town. As for me, I was NOT gonna start shakin’ my food sac/exit chute in front of all those aspiring dancers. At the same time, I was very interested in toning up my abs, back-fat, and voluptuous rear. So I basically did the only thing I could do: I set up a belly-dancing studio, in my very own room! That’s right, I got myself some decorative pillows, sprawled some rich textiles across the room, put on the Disney movie Aladdin, and pretty much went to town!
I didn’t actually have an instructional belly-dancing video, but there were several useful clips in Aladdin. In one scene, these nameless princess “extras” were bustin’ a lotta move during “Prince Ali’s parade”; that’s where I picked up most of my skills.
So the belly-dancing classes have been on for 4 weeks. In terms of my success: well…let’s just say that every time I look in the mirror (and suck in my belly AS MUCH AS I CAN), it’s “Flat-City” baby, hell yes. I’m not one to brag of course, but that’s just the situation.
#3: I started lifting weights like a young Hulk Hogan. I heard that if you start lifting weights (even girly ones), you’ll build more muscle, burn more calories (even in your sleep), and basically you’ll get a bit skinnier. It’s a pretty slow process at first, so I decided to speed it up, by doing double the reps, and building double the muscle.
The end result: Well…now I have…. (gasp) BIGGER UPPER ARMS!
Holy shit, so that’s why my upper-arms look fatter!
Crap.
It kinda sucks now, ’cause my original plan was to get those skinny “girly arms”, you know the ones that look like fallen twigs from an aged sycamore tree? Yeah…I like stick-arms. But now I’ve got these barely-legal “guns”, which (I just realized) don’t even fit into my skin-tight bodysuit-tops (but I LOVE my skin-tight bodysuit-tops! 
).
I’m not sure where I went wrong; maybe the “lift weights, lose weight” theory was all a big hoax…
Well then, it looks like I’ve been had …
I’m not really sure what to do about this now, since I pretty much look like an American Gladiator chick (like the ones on ‘roids who eventually had sex changes (see example)). I’ll probably have to do the “Star Jones thing”, where they cut out all the fat; in my case however, they’ll be slicing off my man-muscles…what a glorious waste.
As much as I’m likin’ the surgery-solution, I won’t be fixed before the end of the summer. That kinda sucks, ’cause I’m not quite ready to leave the boardwalks of Toronto behind. Here’s what I’ll do then:
-I’ll defer my muscle-cutting surgery to September. That way, I won’t be stuck home in recovery-mode, and I’ll be free to wear short-skirts, belly-tops, and high-heels for the rest of the summer. I mean yeah, I’ll be self-conscious about my tree-trunk arms, but I could always wear those long, silky “evening gown” gloves, you know the ones that go all the way up to your shoulders? (like the kind Kate Winslet wore in Titanic). Because of my giant muscle-guns though, I’ll have to ask for the tailor-made, extra-large size (like the kind Kate Winslet wore in Titanic).
Okay then, I’m glad I figured out my problems. And now I must go, ’cause it’s time to Google me some ”long silky evening gown gloves”…
