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YO BITCH: LESS TALK MORE LATTE!

November 29, 2007

I don’t get mad very often, but when it comes to “goods and services”, I have zero-patience for anything less than EXACTLY WHAT I WANT.

I experienced a slight deviation from “what I want” this morning, as I visited my #1 latte shoppe (or that little-known place called Starbucks).

I had a day-off you see, and though it really switched up my morning-process, “latte-acquisition” remained top of mind.  

monkeybutler.jpgIt was one of those mornings where I wished long and hard for a loyal monkey-butler.  Yes…“home-delivered lattes”, what a dream…

Well guess what: my monkey-butler-bitch is still en-route to Canada (current status: half way across the Atlantic on a cargo ship from Africa), so for today anyway, I was grudgingly resigned to leaving the goddamn house.

The suckiest thing about “leaving the goddamn house” was having to ditch my PJ’s.  Yeah, apparently “teddy bear prints” aren’t socially acceptable (ohhh….well I’m sorry I’m so fucking cute).  I wasn’t about to make a full-on compromise, so I only committed half-way; that is, I swapped out my PJ bottoms for my hot-ass exercise pants.  My motivation here was to leave all the men out there thinking: “hey, who’s that bitch in the ass-hugging workout pants? She must’ve just finished a yoga class or something…what a cool slut”.  That’s right, you force me to go outside? I will make you fucking drool.

When I finally arrived at Starbucks, my patience was level-zero, and my latte-thirst was mile-fucking-high.

As I rushed on over to the latte machine, the tall young barista caught my eye.  NO he wasn’t a “hottie”, but more like your “run of the mill”, “average-joe”, psycho-looking FREAK.

We ended up having a chat (against my will), and here’s how that all went:

Barista-dude begins with:  “SO, HOW IS YOUR DAY SO FAR???” (picture him saying it VERY loudly) 

I muster up a smile and think to myself: “Oh God, this is one of those small-talk-loving fuck-heads; I am probably in for the worst 5 minutes of my life”.

[Side-note: I am NOT a bitch, but when pre-disposed to being "cranky-as-fuck", I just want a goddman latte to make my world okay.  Like seriously, interacting with baristas when I'm waiting for a coffee is "priority #: NEVER!!" (fucking losers who talk to strangers...) ]

So anyway, this stupid man-bitch just wouldn’t let up on the small talk!  He actually went on to make it special, deepening our exchange with his “cult-leader” eyes and “I’m gonna cut up your body parts and put them in my freezer” smile.

And here’s how that went…

Psycho-Cult-Man: “Can I…share my opinion with you?”

WHAT—THE—FUCK…

Me: “Sure…..”

Psycho-Cult-Man: “I just wanted to give you a little recommendation about your latte…”

Me: (dumbfounded stare)

Psycho-Cult-Man: “I strongly feel that you should skip the “regular nutmeg”, and instead try our special “holiday05_gingerbread_latte1.jpg nutmeg”.  In my experience (self-righteous tone), I find that the regular nutmeg over-powers the drink, whereas….(blah, blah, blah, he went on about nutmeg for another 5 minutes)…But hey, that’s just my “barista-expert” opinion” (picture the axe-murderer-smile once again…)

Me: “riiiiiighhht…okay” (just give me my fucking latte BITCH!!!)

So 2 or 3 hours later, I walked out of Starbucks at last, shaking my head in a “did that seriously happen?” kinda way. I mean come on people, I spend five whole dollars to get myself a latte and LEAVE; I can do without the life-altering-foreplay-ridden-slut-bag-conversation about “nutmeg”, especially when it’s had with a psycho-freak who wants to chop me up and save all my fingernails…

Loser.

Final thought: whether or not I was a cranky-bitch is open to debate, but I will seriously kick some fucking ass (yours, your mom’s, a baby’s) if this ever happens again.

28 comments

  1. Did you know if you eat enough nutmeg you can hallucinate?….


  2. Wow, I hate when those baristas try to chat with you like their your long-lost pal. I agree with you, except for the nutmeg part. The holiday nutmeg kicks your regular nutmeg’s ass from here to Toronto! J/K…..what’s nutmeg?


  3. I like the way the baristas in our Starbucks are locked, securely, behind a tall bar. It’s almost as though they can’t see your face and you can’t see theirs. It mightily discourages nicety chat.


  4. There they go again with their holiday crap @ Starbucks.

    Thomas


  5. You were not a bitch at all. I would have told the guy to stop telling me what I like. And I wouldn’t have engaged in the small talk. I would have given him a very pinched, fake grin that kind of looks like I’m having trouble digesting something, and then become fascinated with my nails or the wall or something else.

    I would have shaken the nutmeg copiously all over my latte, and then accidentally maybe gotten some on the counter. Maybe. Who knows.

    Cuz if you screw with me before my caffeine, you’re asking for it. Seriously, people who work at Starbucks MUST know this universal rule, right?


  6. BFF!!!

    Call it all the fuckig swearing but I feel closer to you than EVER!! (well that AND the fact that now know about ALL my sexual indiscretions…) Anyhoo! He sounded kind of charming, in an “American Psycho” kinda way. You should have totally gave him your number.

    next latte’s on me doll!

    BFF :wink:


  7. OMG what a LOSER who does that? honestly!! everyone knows not to talk to me b4 my morning coffee(s) that is truely shociking behaviour from my fave coffee outlet.

    it is a sad day 4 all.


  8. Wait a minute…. what was the bit about swapping the pj’s for sweat pants?

    (Hot exercise pants?! Please…. )

    Hahaha…


  9. You have a lot of rage… Have you ever considered kickboxing? You’d be kickass at it.


  10. King Steve: NO WAY!!! Really? That’s probably why that loser was trying to get me off the “regular nutmeg”; that bitch was trying to keep it all for himself!!! I’m gonna call the “my friend is on drugs and I don’t know what to do”-hotline, and I’m gonna get his ass fired…

    Daddy Dan: I don’t wanna be a barista’s long-lost pal…”get your own friends, imaginary or whatever, it ain’t my problem!” I’m not exactly sure WHAT nutmeg is; maybe it’s just a “flavouring hoax”, and really just a bunch of refined dirt…

    Jayne: I want us to lock our baristas too; we have tall machines but the tall-ass baristas manage to crane their necks around to have a look and start a chat; maybe we should put paper-bags over their heads; with a sign that reads “I am a coffee-out-put component, I will not bother you”…losers…

    twps: well…I must admit, I AM rather addicted to the “gingerbread latte”, I just don’t need to be told how to enjoy it; I am a grown-up lady with a grown-up brain; I can figure it out!

    Talea: I knew that if anyone would confirm that I wasn’t being a bitch, it would be you ;-) It was once again a situation where my inherent “Canadian politeness” kicked in, to the extent that I DIDN’T take the steaming hot holiday-nutmeg-latte and splash it all over his face, which is what he deserved…grrr…

    PS: I can’t imagine how “don’t fuck with people who need caffeine” isn’t in the Starbucks-manual…he should be publicly flogged…

    joebec: hey BFF!! Haha, you know what? I still have this sinking feeling that “Romi Profane and Unleashed” will scare away a lot of my readers, but then I remember: this is what I was feeling, and if I can’t be the real me on my blog, then who the fuck am I? ;-)

    And yeah, ummm…”American Psycho” hotness is hard to resist; will he bring the chainsaw on our first date or shall I??? ;-)

    lonelygurl: it is a sad day for the franchise and its followers; I mean that’s not my “regular” location, but it’s still no excuse; if you wear the green apron, you must honour and abide by the rules…it’s just a matter of time before he ends up in prison, whether for breaking Starbucks-conduct, or murder….

    Paul: You know WHAT? I could very easily throw down 3 or 4 links to clothing websites that exclusively offer wide-varieties of hot-ass exercise-pants; as it is, I don’t have to dignify my hotness to you, so I will keep my slutty-fitness-pants to myself; I’ll just let the maple-syrup-chugging Canadian lads enjoy the show, so YOU LOSE….hmph!

    leaf: well I DO have a lot of rage, and it seems to be out of control..maybe kickboxing’s the way to go….thanks for the suggestion, I will look into it :-)


  11. Men who work at Starbucks probably enjoy sucking cock.


  12. that is just not right!


  13. Honestly? I didn’t even experience this event. Shit, I don’t even drink coffee, but I’d seriously love to make my way North of the Border, kick some customers out and pin this douchebag down while you rough his pansy-ass up.

    Then we can get some pancakes.


  14. It’s not ok when service people look me in the eye, let alone talk to me. But he needed to keep that nutmeg hole shut when you’re wearing your teddy bear pajama top and your yoga-slut (hi-larious) hot ass excercise pants. He should have known that’s the uniform of a desperate latte-feening woman. If this happens again, you should trace a foam penis on the glass after you get your coffee.

    By the way – I love sexualtrex’s comment. That is ridiculous.


  15. [...] under Uncategorized ·Tagged , bull shit, bullshit, coffee, fuckers, hate, starbucks OK, Romi posted a blog about starbucks (no capital letter for their name, they have lost that privilege) and [...]


  16. You’re the shit Romi. You inspired an entire blog about this shit. Let me just say, (you can check it out after this shameless plug to my own blog, nudge nudge, wink wink) I agree with you whole heartedly. Starbucks, aka, gonads, is a crappy establishment that should be not only spit upon, but also stricken with plague. Fuck them in their stupid asses.


  17. Ive never been to Starbucks.
    And I dont like nutmeg.
    Dont bitch slap me. Please.
    Hope tomorrow’s better for ya.


  18. Anyone else thought this read like a psycho version of “When Harry Met Sally?” This guy sounds like the only male alive who can out-crazy our Romi.


  19. Hmm…ur mad as fuck..and u get coffee?…Now that’s a plan ;)


  20. sexualtrex: LMAO…that is an interesting observation…I’m gonna kind of leave it floating in the air, rather than trying to investigate any further…

    cowgalutah:
    what’s not right? my horrible experience? or t-rex’s comment? lol…

    Andy: so you wanna tag-team it eh? Well I’m down for that (this doesn’t sound inappropriate right? good.)…you pin down that loser and I’ll slap him six ways to Sunday…and yo, I am ALL ABOUT the post-assault pancakes ;-)

    abarclay: damn straight, my uniform REEKED of latte desperation, how did he not recognize that I was unstable and potentially dangerous? YOU BETTER RECOGNIZE, BITCH!…or something…PS: nutmeg-hole..lol…PPS: t-rex is a force of inappropriateness..love it :-)

    Josh: I’m so glad I inspired you to write a blog post; that’s been happening a bit lately…now I’m trying to think of what other crazy topic I can write today, which will inspire people as well…it kinda makes me feel like God or something…

    PS: After reading your post/exchanging comments with you, I’m glad we established that I’m not a total loser, even though I will continue to frequent starbucks as opposed to “fucking it in the ass”.. ;-)

    Red
    : It’s okay, nutmeg is stupid, I will not bitch-slap you, and thanks, tomorrow was better :-)

    Mr. President: I’m SO flattered that you’re suggesting that there is SOMEONE out there who can “out-crazy” me…I think this acknowledgement on your part brings us a little closer ;-)

    aniche: hey there, and umm ya, I can be mad as fuck, and when I am, people should be serving me lattes on the double ;-)


  21. Hey, I was thinking, I’d like to make a request. You know how this blog is supposed to be some sort of therapy, and get all your multitudes of crazy out? Well, I know how you have not posted any normal pics of yourself, and i know how weird it is to do so. You only have the one 3/4 shot of you. And whenever I post pics of me, I agonize about whether they will be retarded or semi not retarded looking. So I think you need to go find the worst pic of you ever, and post that up. After you have posted the worst pic ever, you can’t possibly look worse, so you will have broken that I-need-to-look-good-thing that so many people have on the internetz. I will post two bad pics for every one that you post, if it will help you with your therapy. How about that? That way you can entertain us, and get your crazy vibes out at the same time. I mean I feel much better when people see how fucked up I am. Maybe that’s just me though.


  22. If I were you, I would strap him to a chair, pour the “latte” on his head and down his pants (the liquid must be hot for this!) and then “decorate” him with the Holiday Nutmeg and shove some cookies down his throat so he can do nothing but make gurgling noises and then deliver a kick to the head. That’ll show him!


  23. I would seriously question the manhood of any dude that could extrapolate at will on the qualities of nutmeg.


  24. Josh: uhhh…listen man, I am SO not ready for shock-exposure-therapy via “ugly pic catharsis”, though I’m very attracted to the “I post one ugly pic, you post two” ratio…How ’bout you give me another 3-6 months? Hopefully by then I’ll love myself enough to pull it off… :-)

    For now at least, I’ve given away some baby-pics, so keep yourself busy with that ;-)

    Virgilus: I am deeply aroused by your suggestion of violence/holiday decorating; if I see him again, I’ll know what to do ;-)

    purefnevyl: haha…yeah, it definitely seemed alarmingly “innate” ;-)


  25. Nice! I don’t think you’re being a bitch. Having worked in customer service, I never attempted to spark a convo with any of the customers. I helped them find what they wanted and helped them out the door….that’s all I want when I go shopping.

    * Oh and I love the way you are so brutally honest! Keep it up. :D


  26. Well when you feel confident enough to post a few ugly pics, my promise still stands. Just remind me, and I will dig deep (shallow) into the archives and pull out some really embarrassing pics of myself. Two for every one you post. Until then you can post some baby pics. (btw, the only stage where every human looks cute, lame)


  27. i seriously hate small talk. why cant people just sit in silence together??? i don’t get it.


  28. [...] I NEVER again share my hate on things like Crocs, psycho latte-boys, or shameful pigs on the [...]



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