The “Sexy-Bod” Equation…

March 26, 2008

I’m a “numbers chick”, math-errific to the power of 10.

Did you really expect that from a giggling, hair-twirling, horny single gal?

Maybe not, in which case the lesson is loud and clear:  don’t judge a book by its sultry velvet cover…

…So yeah, I’ve always liked the math, and even though my days of emasculating oily-faced-boys with my calculus skills are long in the past, math remains an important part of my everyday life.

In recent times, math has been used for selfish dilemmas, namely:

-relationship issues, and self-image quandaries.

I’ll share with you my latest mathematical headache (and it’s a doozy).  I haven’t figured out the solution, so feel free to sharpen your pencils and play along:


-Exercising and eating healthier has made me a little bit slimmer, compared to my Nov./Dec. “chub-days” (please place emphasis on “a little bit” slimmer…dammit).  At the same time, my boobies are seriously shrinking.  This is nothing new, since smaller bodies are synonymous with smaller cans (just ask Lucky’s grandma). 

But check it out: my rate of “boob-loss” in recent weeks is far out-pacing the “slim-effect” (uh-oh….).  And given that I’m already struggling with psychological “boob-stuff”, I’m very concerned. 

Which leaves me to solve a colossal puzzle:

-Find the balance of body-weight and boob-size that will yield the optimal “Romi-Self-Worth”

Here are my chalkboard-brainstorms thus far (I like chalkboards ’cause they make me feel prodigious, like that Matt Damon guy in Good Will Hunting…).


 What’s a girl to do?

It’s a tough one to figure out, but “math-head” that I am, I firmly believe that every problem comes pre-equipped with a reasonable solution.

In the meantime, don’t hesitate to shoot me any alternate equations… 



  1. Oh, man. There has to be something better. Like, salads for lunch all week, working out 3 times a week and having um, child-bearingly sexy hips and boobs?

  2. I think your boobie to weight ratio thingy is just fine, Romi. You’re a slim gal with small-ish boobies. Where’s the problemo?

  3. There ain’t nothing better than boobies. And until you hit like, 200 [pimds (haha dude, I tried to type pounds there, i’m so hammered), don’t worry about it.
    I’m not happy tha ti’ve gained weight, but….I do LOVE my boobies.
    Eat as many donuts as you want, you live in the world of Tim Horton’s for fucks sake. Boobies ahoy!

  4. You should totally start binging and purging. When you start purging make sure you collect your “purge” in a plastic bag. Keep these bags in your closet, when you’ve collected enough you can begin nailing them to your closet walls so that you will always be reminded of your awesome skills.

    Also, right before you purge make sure you get some plastic wrap and put it over you teeth. This way your teeth won’t rot away from all the stomach acid.

    You can do that or keep on a diet and exercise so that you get results though they may take awhile.

  5. pizza + bike rides + donuts + chocolate cake + TV + wealthy blind man =🙂

  6. Romi ~ Don’t fret, I am sure my son will love you just the way you are.😀

    I am left in the same quandry. If I exercise like I should and lose the extra poundage, I will also lose the twins. How about we eat to our hearts content, keep endulging the twins and just lipo the unwanted baggage.

    Hard plastic boobies are not sexy according to the resident boobies expert.

  7. As an admirer of all things booby related, I have one thing to say:
    Don’t worry about whats not, just rock what you got.

  8. A) Thanks for the shout-out! Grandma would be proud of her internet fame.

    B) I have been a D since I was 14 and much like my ass, they have only gotten bigger. I am thinking about Weight Watchers, so I will let you know if they go down.

    C) Having large cans is great…most of the time. Shopping can be difficult. It’s easier to get a great shirt and wear a push-up bra than fight with a too-small-in-the-boobage-area shirt. You get those funky wrinkles in the boob area b/c the shirt it stretched out or if it’s a button-up, you get the Pac-Man effect. They pull apart and hang open like Pac-Man’s mouth. It’s a total whippin’ …so love your boobs and get padded/push-up bras if you feel the need to pump them up.😉

  9. Nothing wrong with small boobies. Big or small, I love ’em all!


  10. I’m in a vaguely analogous position at the moment, actually, hence my blog from today.

    My wife will tell you (gladly, and at great length, especially at the end of the day) that big boobs are not always fun. She says she’d love to just put them aside for all but a few hours a day.

    Personally, I’d vote for option #3.

  11. Small boobs + quick dabble in solo amateur porn + killer work out routine = a fabulous ass! I’m not sure how the amateur porn element plays, but once you get lots of fan mail regarding your solo website, your confidence levels will sky rocket! May your small boobs not succeed in lowering your velvety mood, girl.

  12. Umm excuse me.. science to the rescue.. silicon implants are out and the latest development is removing fat from other parts of your body and injecting it into your boobs.. and the best part is you can have it done in your lunch break… why do I know this?

    Because I am a guy..😀


    The only question is.. can you risk to have fat removed from one part of your body and injected into another?

    Careful you don’t get too slim there Romi.

  13. Wow, Romi, I have enough boobage that I’d love to give some away, and I’d be more than willing to share with my blog-sistas. Then I read Paul B’s post and see that it actually is possible. Alas, I’m sure you’re safer with your own ass fat (if you have any, that is)than my boob fat. Gah!

  14. Get yourself some false advertising! One of those super heavy bras that is packed with stuff to make your boobs look giant and clevage-ish.

  15. I don’t know but if you go with the Dr. Juan equation let me know how it turns out. I have been thinking of letting my beard grow out and getting some implants. Then I will join a circus freakshow and be the bearded woman. I figure if I throw in a topless dance show, I will be rolling in bucks in no time at all.


  17. I like your boobs just the way they are. If anything, add more pinata candy.😛 A couple of treats served with sweets. Boobs + Candy = Dandy.:mrgreen:

  18. Miss Romi a couple of things:

    1. Still diggin’ your bod in the flannel PJ’s. Don’t mess with a bod that’s already kickin’

    2. (I’ve used this before)…I believe it was the sage philospher Sir Mix A Lot who summed up your dilemna thusly:

    Cosmo says your fat? Well I ain’t down with that…:

  19. Well Romi, while I can certainly empathize with your plight, big boobies are not all that. I used to have a gynormous rack and then lost a lot of weight so I do know the impact that slimming has on the “girls”. I no longer have boobies – I have tube socks with nipples. So…If you do decide to go balls to the wall with donuts and couch lounging, make sure you can keep up the weight or you’ll be sporting a pair boobies that just hang there staring at your feet all day – which is not all bad if you want men to notice you are wearing cute shoes.
    PS – I think you look gorgeous just as you are – get one of those gel bras and enjoy your beautiful self.

  20. Oh, losing weight is so much fun. I’ve been on the wrong side of weight loss for awhile now … My god, who cares about boob-loss with all of the kick-ass bras out there today!!!

  21. boobs = not important at all. B’s or C’s are best.

    (if i knew what Abby had i would of course say that was ideal)

    the ass is much more important.

  22. teeni: I like me some child-bearing hips and boobies, but I’ll have to find a way to enjoy salad more than I currently do😉

    Red: “small-ish” boobies, you said it right there! I think in the end a person’s perception is their reality…like what’s fine to some still looks distorted through my self-created “fun house mirror”, if that makes any sense😉

    talea: do you know how much you crack me up when you’re a crazy drunk bitch? From now on you should only be allowed to comment on blogs when you’re drunk; like your comments will automatically wind up in the spam bin if there aren’t spelling errors and if they don’t smell like homeless men…🙂

    I’m not a very patient person, but uhh…plastic bags full of “purge” hanging in the closet like trophies??? WOW….

    PS: but that plastic-wrap-no-acid-on-teeth tip is killer, thanks man😉

    moonbeam: clearly you were also one of those awesome math-heads in school😉

    betme: hahaha, I can’t believe your son is gonna marry me and he doesn’t even know it yet!!!😉

    PS: if you are the resident boobies-expert, then I believe you, because you haven’t steered me wrong yet😉

    Glassowater: yeah, I guess I could “rock” what I’ve got, as long people are okay with small-time performers and such….

    Lucky Me:

    A: I already told you that I think you and your grandma should have a sit-com, so hopefully someone will see this and help her get an agent😉

    B: you were NOT a D at age 14…really? I was like…gosh, I think I was maybe even a “minus A” when I was 14 (whatever, I had a sunken-in torso in my teen years…)

    C: LMAO at the pac-man effect! I’ve seen that on chicks!! (not that I look..but anyhoo…)

    twps: I appreciate the absence of discrimination in your “boob love”😉

    Taoist Biker: your post on your ’94 vs. ’08 version of yourself really made me think…I mean in the end I stuck to my conclusions, but I still had original thoughts for like a minute!😉

  23. duffboy: you always make me feel like I can take on the world! I mean if anything my small boobs should inflate my mood and carry me to the stars! (with my fit-from-amateur-porno-ass following close behind…lol..)..Thanks man🙂

    Paul: holy crap, I loved the part where they described like the “”turbo-charged mixture” being injected into the tissue”…in fact that part kind of turned me on, you know? (*drool*…). Overall it was a steamy article…oh wait…what were we even talking about again? I don’t remember, but whatever, keep those “hot links” comin’🙂

    2lazydogs: I suppose it would be more appropriate to “keep it in the family” with my OWN ass-tissue, but at the same time, maybe some variety “fat-tissue-wise” will further the results….I don’t know, send me a container of your boob-fat, and we’ll go from there…


    leafprobably: those super-heavy bras with all the stuff going on make me as uncomfortable as trying to build a treadmill out of a box..I just don’t know where anything goes, and I get really apprehensive if my “boob junk” ends up in the wrong compartment of the magic-bra…maybe I can take a class on it to get better…

    purefnevyl: wow, that’s such a wonderful path to riches you’ve laid out for yourself! Make sure your boobs don’t look too male or rigid though; you gotta get that rounded shit…LOL…

    kaylee2: Thank you! And hey, I’ve been fine, but more importantly I hope you’re feeling better!🙂

    Peter Parkour: hahaha, oh right, I forgot about the pinata-candy incident…and hey I’m all about whoring out my gals, so if plastering candy all over them is what it takes, then maybe I should give it a whirl😉

    Nigel: Thanks, and I CAN’T BELIEVE you sent me the “I like big butts” video, hahaha…I like the part when he’s dancing around on the monstrous but glorious ass-replica…

    karmental: welcome to my world, and WOW, tube socks with nipples, that is a stunning description I won’t soon forget😉

    PS: thank you, and indeed, maybe it’s time to cross over into that gel-filled attire (do you think there’s a male equivalent to gel-lined clothing? LOL…)

    thegirlfromtheghetto: yeah, so I’m getting the sense that I should go bra-shopping for some really cool ones, but my only worry is that inevitable moment when the curtain gets pulled back, revealing that tiny wizard with “little-man’s syndrome”…!!!

    Island Boy:
    once again I find myself wondering if this Island Boy speaks in earnest, or with heavy sarcasm…I’m gonna say you’re the real-deal, and at the same time quietly keep my fingers crossed for you and Abby, haha…..

  24. I say do like those weighty thingees at the gym that keep your nice n firm up top and remember “anything more than a hanful is just a waste”
    just get padded bras
    or push up bras
    and vneck tops

    “if you got tit flaunt it”

  25. I am romi Thank you🙂

  26. At this point, I feel that any valid input I might provide would be way over-covered and thus useless. If I may suggest: 1 weekend at Hedonism to get rid of your…um…desire for a while. Which I also believe might make you so disgusted with men for a while that you’d get off the kick for a bit. Or at least long enough to do what’s best for your bod and your mind, and not necessarily what the fellas want.

  27. I somehow missed this post in my month long flood dilemma and humor week postings, hmm. Well anyway. I don’t sweat the small stuff, get it? I agree with Glass-O-Water whole heartedly on this, but I love the math thing. I suck at math and still count on my fingers so I was totally flummoxed. Also I had mine reduced so I can’t actually relate to your dilemma, but I feel your pain. I think you look perfect the way you!🙂

  28. As a math nerd, I applaud your use of risk/reward and optimization!

    Now if only someone would optimize the geek/jock scenario, things would be complete for me.

  29. Do you remember when Jan got a boob job on the office? I think Michael took her back based solely upon the new highly cuppable ta-tas.

    I would have absolutely expected you to be a numbers girl. Your brilliance is readily apparent in everything you write.

  30. X + X(x) = Buying bras in the tween section…

    A problem that has stumped mathematicians since the age of Plato. What is thy to do?

  31. Yes. 9th grade was an awkward year for me. I was one of about FOUR who had huge boobs.

  32. Dont mention it girl, you totally rock, any man would be luck to be married to you, arranged or by free will, you name it.

  33. Romi you overlook the obvious! Just start smoking and get a boob job! And you’ll need more $$ for makeup if you keep up with required pack every 2 days. Newports or Parliaments. You can still eat the cake too!

    Real advice: It’s so sad when want our things to be bigger (or smaller). Don’t let your boobs weigh you down! Nobody cares about them as much as you do. And you’ve got better stuff to worry about. Funny post😀

  34. i need you to use this equation: det(A – λI)=0 using λ=-3 and the fact that big ta-tas are overrated, where A = -2x+4y and a little meat is MORE than acceptable and x=7π, y=you being at the right look; the differential equation is then equal to, don’t change a damn thing! there’s my equation for you to follow!

  35. Don’t get implants, to support boobs that big, you’ll have to work in a bra factory; we don’t want that for you dear heart!

    “More than a handful is a waste” *that’s what my husband told me to make me feel good BEFORE I got big and lumpy🙂 So, I’ll pass that little morsel of goodness on to you!

  36. what u need is a professional balloon blower. u know what im talking about!

  37. This blog makes me wish I was better at math!

  38. You know, Romi, I used to suck at math. I could never get the whole deal with pi and circumferences and shit. Then I had a breakthrough. By drawing nipples on all of the circles in my textbook, I was finally able to understand how it all works. To find the circumference of the boob, one must simply multiply pi by the distance from the nipple to the edge of the boob squared. I used to practice on the softcore porn magazines that I found in the school dumpster.

    My point is, if boobs can help me with my math, then math can help you with your boobs. I suggest that you start by stuffing your bra with papers ripped from an old geometry textbook.

    Just remember, no matter what size boob you are calculating, dividing the circumference of it by its diameter will always yield the same number. Vis-a-vis, all boobs are mathematically the same. Don’t wet your pants over it.

  39. queenbitch: I recently fell in love with a push-up bra that I had written off for some reason…needless to say it made an awesome comeback🙂

    kaylee2: I hope you had an okay weekend!

    dobeman: and you thought you couldn’t add anything to the mix…that was original and helpful, and….I’ll think about it!😉

    dontdatethatdude: you’re such a dear, and I’m gonna try my very best to believe you, that is a promise! (hahaha…😉 )

    hroman: risk/reward and optimization was kind of my forte back in the day…like I frickin’ loved microeconomics as well, hahaha…and yo: of course I KNOW that you’re a math nerd, considering you’re my blog-brown-brother and all…😉

    PS: I’ll get to work on your equation next🙂

    Allison: First of all, YES I remember that episode, and I don’t know if she REALLY got a boob job or if it was just part of the scene, but they made her boobs look GREAT in that episode🙂 …and secondly, thanks for the fine compliment, but because of the mathematical possibility that I am in fact just crazy and not brilliant, I can only partly accept your kind words😉

    bronsonfive: toss “thy” into any sentence and there is a 100% chance that I’m turned on…🙂

    Lucky: don’t call it an awkward year, call it a year of self-discovery and womanly excitement…(I don’t know dude, I’m just trying to adorn you with the positive spin approach…😉 )

    Duffboy: thanks for saying that, ’cause I would totally want my arranged-dude to like me…lol..😉

    David: I know, isn’t it totally sad? And yet…looking in the mirror and pushing them to and fro seems like perfectly acceptable before-bed-behaviour (WHAT!?!??!?!…..🙂 )

    Briz: woah…all that math-jargon is totally hot…who said math-nerds can’t outdo the average jock? WHO!?!?!?…

    Lumpy: ewww…a bra factory? Hell-frickin’-no! And I love that handful-comment…now I just need to find a guy with tiny-woman-hands…LOL…😉

    aniche: dude, I know exactly what you’re talking about!!!🙂

    Matt: I offer re-medial math-training courses on Self-Image-Algebra at the Toronto Community Center twice a week and on Sunday afternoons…no correspondence-courses available at this time. Sorry.

    thedesktop: I have never felt more thunderstruck by logic than I did after reading your comment. The parts that got to me the most were A: the use of Pi; B: the geo-papers increasing bust-size and C: that it’s all equilibrium in the end….

    Genius stuff man…awesome🙂

  40. […] the stars! (with my fit-from-amateur-porno-ass following close behind…lol..)..Thanks man ” (Romi, A Chick for All […]

  41. Here’s the deal Romi, you’re crazy. It doesn’t matter really. You know how I feel about thick women. (me likey) And you know how I feel about boobies. (I don’t really care) As long as they match each other, it’s all good. (ie: not fat and flat, or thin and busty like Dolly freakin Parton, well, that’s not so bad) Here’s what I’d do, but take it with a grain of salt, cause not every guy feels like I do about womens bodies, eat whatever you want, but work out too so you’re not weak, and don’t worry about being chubby or small chested. Just be yourself. And if it bothers you that much, go buy some new tits. They aren’t that expensive. My stripper friend got hers for four grand.

  42. Wow. This is a good one. I love “swollen face” and “masculine jawline.” Hi-larious. But I know what you mean, no matter how many crunches I do, I’m not losing my cankles; instead, I’m losing fat out of my precious ass, and no one’s ok with that. Let me know what the right equation is.

  43. BFF i wish i could help you on this one. But seeing as i barely passed algebra in high school, and am currently still holding onto my winter chub, any advice i give may be futile.

    I love you though!!😀

  44. Josh: oh my gosh, fat and flat would be horrible eh? Is that even physically possible I wonder?? Hmmm…And yo: I can move some money around and produce four grand…something to consider…🙂

    Andrea: it is SO rude of exercising when it takes fat out of our precious asses!!! I will try to find an equation that preserves your ass and kicks your cankles into next week….

    BFF: You don’t always have to give advice, your love alone is enough!!🙂

  45. […] well a while back, with my committed workouts and fear of getting (gasp!) “too skinny” (lest my already small and sand-baggish boobs disappear), but these days I’m not quite as fearful of boob-loss via […]

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