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Kitchen Sex-capades

May 4, 2008

Sexy Couple in the KitchenI have this recurring “kitchen fantasy” in my head, and because I’ve seen it in movies, I know I can make it happen.

It’s a classic scene from an everyday romantic comedy; it’s the one where the guy and the girl are baking together in the kitchen. They’ve only been friends up ’til now, but they’re up to their ears in sexual tension. As the girl is busy kneading the dough for the cookies, the guy starts to get “excited” (naturally). Feeling that a “move” is in order, he grabs a handful of flour and tosses it at the girl (*gasp!*). She responds with an assault of Hershey’s chocolate chips. The next thing you know, they’re pouring buttermilk all over each other’s bits, and having sex on the kitchen counter (oh wait, I think that’s a different kind of movie…).

Okay so maybe I need to calm down a little, but I still want my “kitchen moment” in the sun. I’m not even sure why the “kitchen fantasy” stands out against the rest. Maybe it’s because it’s super-sexy when a guy helps out in the kitchen. And then when you add “ingredient fights” to the mix, all bets are off.

The closest I ever came to a “kitchen sex-capade” was in 2004.  It was my last year of university, and I wasCheddar Cheese Popcorn totally in love with this dude in my Marketing class. One afternoon we decided to have a “cutesy” date at his house (and yes I was skipping class, but whatever, I earned my degree so it’s all good).  Not a lot was happening between us “action wise”, so we started to make some popcorn, and that’s when things heated up . It was the kind of popcorn that comes with a packet of “cheese sauce”.  Well you all know the best way to stir in the cheese sauce don’t you?

You mix it in with your hands, your bare freakin’ hands!

And so, we mixed, together.

OH…MY…GOD.

What can I say? It was hot, and no I’m not talking about the sauce.

Just when it seemed that some “kitchen-love” was on the menu, in walked his roommate with a rude disposition and a craving for popcorn.

And just like that, our kitchen romp was tossed to the curb like yesterday’s trash…

…Well that was then, but today I face a challenge of a different sort. The truth is, there’s no one who I’ve been seeing/crushing on, and believe me it’s hard to just kidnap a random fella and force him to bake some bread.

Which means my home-base kitchen is out…but what about the kitchen at work?

Well I know we have a microwave in the office-kitchen, so that’s a start. I even think there’s a decrepit oven that hasn’t been opened since 1996 (and possibly has an emaciated “oven troll” living inside it).

So I’ve got the setting, but what should I cook? Well considering I’ll be at work, it’ll be really weird if I start to whip up a batch of cookies. I need something a lot more sensible…like a lunch-food item.

Whatever it is, it better be sexy, ’cause my goal is the following:

-Get a male co-worker to stop in his tracks, observe my sexy cooking, offer to help me out, and after a couple of minutes of inappropriate touching, carry me away to an abandoned office.

So what’s a good “sexy cooking food?”…

Raw Juicy Drumsticks…Well when I was a kid, I always remember how my mom would huddle over the kitchen sink, and skin the raw chicken that would later become the meat in her delectable curry sauce. And no I’m not saying I was “turned on” by my mom, but as I picture the texture of the chicken and the motion of the skinning, I realize just how sexy it is.

Just think: you’re a worker-dude and you stroll by the office kitchen, only to find a cool-looking chick skinning juicy hunks of slimy meat, and occasionally wiping the sweat from her brow…pretty hot right?

Yeah I know.

And if anyone questions me for hijacking the kitchen to cook myself some meat, I’ll bust out a doctor’s note, the one that describes my dangerously “low iron” (the sheer uncomfortableness of discussing medical issues will prevent anyone from asking me why I don’t cook the chicken at home…HA!).

Ahhh…another perfect “Romi Approved” plan.

Well anyway tomorrow’s Monday and I’m fresh out of raw chicken, so I better make my way to the grocery store…

38 comments

  1. Might I suggest steak instead of chicken? Nothing says sexy like a thick, juicy steak. All chicken says is “would you like salmonella with that?”. :?


  2. And the image of you sucking the marrow out of the chicken bone. Now that’s Sexy!!!


  3. HAQHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH


  4. Oooh – hooray for kitchen fantasies. I’ve got one of those of my own!

    Maybe your chicken one could work – how about letting sexy coworker guy catch you while you are massaging some delicious mix of spices and herbs as a rub onto those birds? ;)


  5. Miss Romi…

    Methinks you are in the need for The Aunt Jemima Treatment

    Allow me:


  6. Okaaay…. good luck with that Romi! I’ve had a few kitchen escapades in my time, including a lesbian fondle over a batch of cookies in a university house… but that’s another story!
    Love ya work hon!


  7. Yes! Kitchen fantasies are the best. What goes better than sex and food? I mean really, if you could somehow include martial arts movies with explosions, and maybe whip in some alcohol, it would be perfect. Here’s the cue to seducing men in the kitchen: an apron. Aprons are wickedly hot, and everyone knows it. Now I wouldn’t go with chicken for this one, mostly because raw chicken kind of stinks. I would go with something sweet that won’t sting if it gets in any orifices. Ice cream is a triple threat because it’s cold, (erect nipples anyone?) you can drizzle chocolate syrup, (anywhere you want) and there’s a cherry on top. Even the gayest of gay men will need quick fuckin at the sight of a woman slowly licking/eating a cherry. If you can do that little stem trick with your tongue, then more power to you, but it’s not necessary. In fact, you really ought to just get ten or twenty jars of maraschinos and walk around your office eating them in front of the fellas. If you can’t get some action after that … nevermind. There is no possible way you could not get action after that. My plan is airtight, fool proof, fucking genius! Even your big city metro-boys ought to remember where their dicks are at once you start cherry binging.


  8. Romi, skip the chicken and make some bacon. It’s sure fire. If you make the bacon, they will come! Men, can smell bacon from miles. And the bacon grease, don’t throw that away, grease up your breastesses, you’ll thank me. That’s how I landed my man ;)


  9. Lovin’ the new layout, BTW.

    Umm .. get you a banana. And down that baby.


  10. Nice Post. Though, I would think sexcapeds need to “happen” and cannot be manufactured…


  11. Romi, you rule!


  12. You can facilitate a kitchen sex-capade simply by wearing a thin, open robe with no clothes underneath, an apron (as suggested) with no clothes underneath….or just start cooking with no clothes on in the first place. Quite simple to catch the man’s visual (T & A) to go along with his olfactory (bacon) and auditory (frying and crackling) senses. The carnal desire will get the best of you both!


  13. Try eating asparagus! The most phallic of all foods and damn delicious! A woman slowly eating asparagus and licking the butter off before every bite could induce sexual convulsions in any man.


  14. I second the “steak instead of chicken” proposition. As for what’s sexy – anything that requires a lot of activity, but not so much that if you let it slide for 30 seconds if he, say, comes up behind you and turns your face over your shoulder to kiss him and you drop the spoon and reach back over your head to grab a handful of his hair and OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT FUCKING FIRE!!

    Maybe something like Pad Thai. Mmm, Pad Thai.


  15. My kitchen sex-capade doesn’t involve cooking, but it’s the dishwashing scenario that gets me going. You know what I’m talking about: soapy hands, running water, wet skin… ok, I’m turned on ;)


  16. you should oh-so-totally make chicken skewers and nibble at them starting from the bottom up. kind of like that chick in the posters for the latest grand theft auto, licking the lollipop. except with real food, which is much sexier. then you have to complain that you just haven’t been able to get any meat at home. cause, you know, broken stove and all and you can’t just eat it raw. it’s just that you don’t know anyone who can fix ovens. oh you can mr. sexypants? well then, geewhiz, i sure do wish i had someone like you in my apartment. what’s that? you’d like to come over and fix it? well i don’t know, we hardly know each other, maybe we should meet up for coffee somewhere first? you’re in! :D


  17. @ le boyfriend, btw: i’ll get the apron, don’t worry! :D


  18. Hotness!


  19. Peter: but doesn’t steak say “would you like “mad cow” with that?”…maybe I should err on the side of tofu…

    purefnevyl: you are a dirty sir, but that’s why I love you

    kaylee2: I guess that means you were amused??? Okay then

    teeni: with your amazing cooking and awesome ingredients, you have huge potential for making kitchen fantasies come true! :-)

    PS: OMG, what’s sexier than a bird with a rub on?

    Nigel: holy crap, Bill Murray is awesome but I can honestly say I’d never seen that clip before….and I SOOO wanna be that human pancake!!!

    Simonne: “including a lesbian fondle over a batch of cookies in a university house”…ummm…I think everyone on this thread is gonna need more details on that one, haha …and I’m glad you’re enjoying what I put out there, thanks :-)

    Josh: if I could simultaneously cook and (in the words of your awesomeness) “kung fu chop a bitch” (LOL), would that not be the pinnacle of sexy?

    PS: I pathetically admit that I don’t have an apron, but I’ll be buying one STAT, and as for a jar full of those cherries at the office…wow, that would put me in a whole other league…it’s definitely sounding foolproof… :-)

    javaqueen: once you mentioned the idea of bacon grease all over my boobies, I thought to myself, “damn, this chick really gets me”

    Red: I’m glad you like it, I just had the urge to crank up the chick-factor :-)

    PS: that is inappropriate!!!

    Raman: hello and welcome to my blog…I appreciate your logical perspective, but what you must understand is that I am a dreamer…I believe it’s possible to manufacture any scenario I dream up, so I’ll see how it goes and let you know

    Greg: No, YOU rule!!! lol… :-)

    RJ: hey thanks for visiting :-) . Clothing or no clothing, I think the “crackling” of the bacon goes a long way…and wow, a long thin open robe eh? I think that would get the message across

    librarygoon: welcome, and holy crap: I didn’t know all that sexy stuff about asparagus…the butter-licking effect puts it over the top…(and also: isn’t asparagus the one that makes your pee smell? but anyhoo… :-) )

    Taoist Biker: dude, you should direct romantic movies or something, ’cause I was ALL over the head/arm movements in that make-out scene, hahaha :-) …and ya, a fire would be bad for everyone involved…

    duffboy: I’m so glad you were able to drop by my blog and turn yourself on in a matter of 3 lines…it’s magical isn’t it?

    greenie: OH MY GOD I see that slut-whore-Grand-Theft-Auto-Video-Game chick on the subway advertisements EVERY DAY as we zip through the Yonge Line…hahaha…she’s got skillz! And ya, the chicken-skewer thing would fly a lot better in the office vs. the lollipop-trick, haha…

    PS: “dude come over to my house and fix my stove because I can’t cook meat”-PLAN is awesome!!! :-)

    omegaradium: I’m gonna take your comment to mean that you strongly approve of my raw-chicken-skinning-to-attract-male-attention-PLAN…thank you :-)


  20. Gag. Skinning raw chicken.

    When I think of kitchen sex-capades I think of honey, chocolate syrup…anything that’s ooey and gooey. Although, that would be a bit messy at work.


  21. You know I’ve always thought spag bol would be a good one for hot and heavy kitchen moments – a-la Lady and the Tramp….


  22. The only thing I’d be eating is what’s for dinner. I honestly cant remember the last time I got my face that close to a vag. like um 6 years MAYBE? just not my thing.

    wait is this TMI? I hope so. If not I can continue.


  23. Much like Shower Sex, I’ve found that, generally speaking, sex anywhere NOT on a conveniently comfortable spot is a HUGE letdown. Of course, you could throw down a buch of paper towels on the floor or something, but then you’d lose traction.
    Traction is important.


  24. This may be cliche, but anything with a banana or cucumber, or an ice cream cone. Sometimes just eating will work, if you do it in a sex-u-liscious sort of way!


  25. Sexy food suggestions: Bananas (duh), Cucumbers (again you just got to know how to work it), Carrots (are you catching my theme?), Kielbalsas, hotdogs, sausages, popsicles…. It is all in how you manipulate the chosen foods. ;)

    Go forth and multiply.


  26. If you have a tile floor, it’s best to skip this one. Tile is cold and hard. Sorry, but I speak from experience. LOL :)

    Thomas :)


  27. Chicken… hmmm…

    Cold, clammy, pale flesh, dimpled from its recent plucking.

    Nope… sorry… this is doing nothing for me. But maybe it’s just me.


  28. They say the smell of cinnamon buns turns a man on the most. When I was young and married we didn’t have a kitchen table to have kitchen sex on, just the hardwood floor which wasn’t really appealing to me because at the time I didn’t sweep it all that often. We had no counter space so the kitchen was definitely out of bounds. We did use the shower a lot but that was awkward, standing and all.
    So mostly it was the bedroom. Maybe that’s why we got divorced, no kitchen table.


  29. That Marketing guy’s roommate totally “pop-blocked.” To think what you could have done with that cheese sauce lube.


  30. 2lazydogs: you’re right, the ooey-gooey factor makes it hard to pull off at work, but at the same time I don’t think there are “food item” codes similar to the office dress-code, so I doubt that my honey-licious ways could be scorned… ;-)

    leafprobably: oh I have always believed in the romantic properties of the tramp-food ;-)

    Andy: HAHAHAHA…too TMI for ME? No, no, but for the rest of the world perhaps…but it’s okay, this is your “safe place”!! ;-)

    dobeman: you’re right, and those friggin’ Bounty extra-quilted paper towels (though cushiony), would totally destroy the traction…

    dontdatethatdude: you’re a dirty bird! Hahaha…I guess I thought I should COOK something sexy-looking, but hey if I can just stand in a corner and eat and get attention, then less work for me! ;-)

    betme: hahaha, wow you and “dontdatethatdude” have a sexy one-track-mind….and there are so many options aren’t there? ;-)

    twps: once again I appreciate that you are able to bring forth details from your life to weigh in, hahaha ;-)

    Adam: don’t be afraid to be turned on by something new and different…lol.. ;-)

    joanharvest: oooh…I LOVE the smell of cinnamon buns :-) …maybe I can just bring fresh ones to work and pretend that I’m baking them, and no a hardwood floor doesn’t sound like the best place….

    abarclay: that pop-blocking son of a bitch!!!

    PS: “cheese sauce lube?”…WOW..talk about multi-purpose sauce…LOL….


  31. Cookies are totally appropriate for the workplace. Or what about bread? Something that needs to be kneaded by hand?


  32. I just remembered that old saying, and it made me think of you ;) : “Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.”


  33. Gives a whole new meaning to an “EASY bake oven.” If sex on a plane means joining the mile high club, it sounds like you want to join the Boil & Fry Club.


  34. Bacon is for sure the best bet! Bacon has lead to kitchen sex in my house on more than one occasion. However, the combo of bacon and a thin robe might not be such a great idea.


  35. Allison: I would LOVE to make bread at work, but I wonder if all the prep-time would negatively affect my office work-ethic (stellar as it is right now ;-) )

    Adam: HAHAHA…you SO just made me totally perverted!! Add this to the fact that someone just googled “having sex with raw chicken” to find this post, and I’m laughing my ass off ;-)

    Matt: LMAO….you had me at “EASY Bake Oven”, but the “Boil and Fry Club” sounds like something where I’d want a lifetime membership ;-)

    May: oooh, look at you, you frickin’ saucy chick! I’m lovin’ this sneak-peek into your own kitchen sex-capades ;-)


  36. BFF!!

    I had sex on a kitchen counter once. it was hot, everyone should have at least one kitchen sexcapade.


  37. BFF!!!: you’re gonna have to send me an email with some juicy details on your kitchen sex-capade…is it creepy to ask you for that????


  38. I’m sorry, but I find that absolutely repulsive! Not just having sex with a woman in a kitchen (as in “Basic Instinct”)–that’s alright. But when she’s got raw-chicken grease on her hands? Hell no! Even though I eat as much meat as most other men in the U.S. (though I prefer seafood over steak, and only eat beef that is well-done), I hate the look and smell of raw meat! (Almost needless to say, I never cook–just eat Lean Cuisines, dairy products, and restaurant-meals!) But to each his own.



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