Kitchen Sex-capadesMay 4, 2008
I have this recurring “kitchen fantasy” in my head, and because I’ve seen it in movies, I know I can make it happen.
It’s a classic scene from an everyday romantic comedy; it’s the one where the guy and the girl are baking together in the kitchen. They’ve only been friends up ’til now, but they’re up to their ears in sexual tension. As the girl is busy kneading the dough for the cookies, the guy starts to get “excited” (naturally). Feeling that a “move” is in order, he grabs a handful of flour and tosses it at the girl (*gasp!*). She responds with an assault of Hershey’s chocolate chips. The next thing you know, they’re pouring buttermilk all over each other’s bits, and having sex on the kitchen counter (oh wait, I think that’s a different kind of movie…).
Okay so maybe I need to calm down a little, but I still want my “kitchen moment” in the sun. I’m not even sure why the “kitchen fantasy” stands out against the rest. Maybe it’s because it’s super-sexy when a guy helps out in the kitchen. And then when you add “ingredient fights” to the mix, all bets are off.
The closest I ever came to a “kitchen sex-capade” was in 2004. It was my last year of university, and I was totally in love with this dude in my Marketing class. One afternoon we decided to have a “cutesy” date at his house (and yes I was skipping class, but whatever, I earned my degree so it’s all good). Not a lot was happening between us “action wise”, so we started to make some popcorn, and that’s when things heated up . It was the kind of popcorn that comes with a packet of “cheese sauce”. Well you all know the best way to stir in the cheese sauce don’t you?
You mix it in with your hands, your bare freakin’ hands!
And so, we mixed, together.
What can I say? It was hot, and no I’m not talking about the sauce.
Just when it seemed that some “kitchen-love” was on the menu, in walked his roommate with a rude disposition and a craving for popcorn.
And just like that, our kitchen romp was tossed to the curb like yesterday’s trash…
…Well that was then, but today I face a challenge of a different sort. The truth is, there’s no one who I’ve been seeing/crushing on, and believe me it’s hard to just kidnap a random fella and force him to bake some bread.
Which means my home-base kitchen is out…but what about the kitchen at work?
Well I know we have a microwave in the office-kitchen, so that’s a start. I even think there’s a decrepit oven that hasn’t been opened since 1996 (and possibly has an emaciated “oven troll” living inside it).
So I’ve got the setting, but what should I cook? Well considering I’ll be at work, it’ll be really weird if I start to whip up a batch of cookies. I need something a lot more sensible…like a lunch-food item.
Whatever it is, it better be sexy, ’cause my goal is the following:
-Get a male co-worker to stop in his tracks, observe my sexy cooking, offer to help me out, and after a couple of minutes of inappropriate touching, carry me away to an abandoned office.
So what’s a good “sexy cooking food?”…
…Well when I was a kid, I always remember how my mom would huddle over the kitchen sink, and skin the raw chicken that would later become the meat in her delectable curry sauce. And no I’m not saying I was “turned on” by my mom, but as I picture the texture of the chicken and the motion of the skinning, I realize just how sexy it is.
Just think: you’re a worker-dude and you stroll by the office kitchen, only to find a cool-looking chick skinning juicy hunks of slimy meat, and occasionally wiping the sweat from her brow…pretty hot right?
Yeah I know.
And if anyone questions me for hijacking the kitchen to cook myself some meat, I’ll bust out a doctor’s note, the one that describes my dangerously “low iron” (the sheer uncomfortableness of discussing medical issues will prevent anyone from asking me why I don’t cook the chicken at home…HA!).
Ahhh…another perfect “Romi Approved” plan.
Well anyway tomorrow’s Monday and I’m fresh out of raw chicken, so I better make my way to the grocery store…