Attack of the Slutty Sandals!May 11, 2008
Despite my displeasure for the five-toed demons, I live in a world of seasons, so I can’t always hide in layers of poorly-stitched animal skin (faux animal skin, of course…I’m not even sure if that matters, since I feast on slaughtered animals from time to time, but anyhoo, another discussion for another day…). And in case you were wondering, yes, those would be my quarantined feet in the pictures, circa February/March 2008.
My extreme aversion to all things “feet” begs the obvious question:
-What’s the deal chickadee? Are you rockin’ some hideous feet?
In my humble opinion, yes, they are definitely hideous (so much so that I won’t dare to post them here), but relatively speaking…who knows? I mean I don’t have any fungus (at least not on my feet), but with my long droopy toes and “size 9” measurements, perhaps my feet are…borderline “mannish”?
And then there’s the pesky “stink factor”. As far as that’s concerned…well let’s just say that after a long day’s work, my feet don’t exactly drip the elixir of a thousand roses, okay?
In my defense though, the foot-stink is a hell of a lot less pungent than ten years prior. Like I can still remember the nacho-stench that characterized my teenage “foot years” (by the way, did everyone experience uncharted levels of stinkiness in their teenage years (both in feet and body), or was it only me?).
So here I am, with my slightly mannish, circumstantially smelly feet, faced with another Summer of having to submit to (kill me now, kill me now) “sandals”.
Sandals and flip-flops pretty much piss me off. I just can’t see how it’s socially acceptable to air out your feet like that. Back to my fungus-reference, our feet could be crawling with numerous diseases, and yet it’s okay to release our hazardous foot-bacteria in the atmosphere? If I were President or Tyrant or Czar, I would demand that everyone’s feet be wrapped up in reinforced rubber, from mid-calf to toe.
As it is, world domination eludes me, so maybe I should buy some frickin’ sandals (I could always keep up with the boots all summer, but my wavery self-esteem would prefer to be “socially acceptable”).
I’ve already made a couple of attempts to “sandal browse”, and on both occasions I left the store short-of-breath/searching for a giant donut.
The source of my anxiety is directly related to the wide assortment of this year’s “‘Ho-bag” sandals (note: all of these images are pulled from 2008 collections). Now maybe I’m not in the fashion “loop”, but were sandals always so slutty? ‘Cause last year I remember that sensible-flats were the talk of the town, making it a whole lot easier to remain inconspicuous. But now, the complicated straps, the gaudy sheen, the mammoth heels…it all seems very uncomfortable (and at 5’ 7″, I’ve never felt the need for “heightening”).
And so we arrive at my Catch-22:
-Am I more concerned with comfort, or looking sexy?
Well for someone who’s desperate to find herself a man, perhaps I should be erring on the side of “sexy”. In the end it’s even more than just looking sexy, since several men openly admit to a drooly foot-fetish (to the extent of feverishly humping well-adorned feet in public (seriously it happens, I’ve seen it with my own tainted eyes…)).
Well “attention whore” that I am, it is not enough to quietly observe as the “Foot-Feeding Frenzy” ensues, so maybe it’s time for my first pair of strappy sandals.
If I do indeed partake in this inevitable discomfort, I only ask one thing of my future boyfriend: please don’t ever, ever EVER wear man-sandals (or any foot-exposing shoes, up to and including Crocs (ugh…)). I mean I know that guys get sweaty and like to release their feet on those humid days, but the gross-out factor is far too much for me to handle.
Seriously, what’s grosser than hairy man-feet? A baboon’s reddish ass? An elephant’s wrinkly balls? Perhaps, but not a lot else…